Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19395, 8 November 1924, Page 11 (Supplement)

Shaun’s Patch.

Little Nonsense Now and Then.’*—Hudibras.

THE MEMORIAL. I will not live in names Engraven on a stone, I will be cherished in the mind, And in the mind alone. Who knows me not may read; But, ’spite his purest aim, Respect and honour he would pay Will be but for a name. And those who knew me best, Who know me best al way, Who cherish me for what I was—■ What need for names have they? You can lead an elector to the polling booth but you cannot make him think. The is one place where the Naked Truth must have a tough time: Among the Eskimos. It was some olden day philosopher who declared that the great part of wisdom is “to have and to hold and in time let go.” This applies particularly to mining shares, hot irons, restive horses and a mortgage over land. Advice to Bridge Playere: A singleton is often lead by a simpleton. AN UNTIDY TRIOLETEER. O when you came this way! Your high heels clicking Made music for my lay: “0 when you came this way* But, clothed in disarray, Myself I fell to kicking— O when you came this way Your high heels clicking So Ma Ferguson is the first woman Governor in the United States! What nonsense—think of all the married women? Have you noticed that when the drill instructors says: “Eyes right,” there is never a recruit with sufficient courage to suggest he might not be «*«»<* These Cause Me Pain; Old jokes. Dentists. Mappers. Heavy pastry. Seasoned politicians. People who tell the plot of the book I’m reading. Hawaiian guitars. •■» » • • I suppose the wife of the newspaper man should wear print dresses. • * • • • But the spouse of the gardener is entitled to lawn just as the dog-fancier’s missus wants muslin. ♦ ♦ • • • There are occasions when an English magazines publishes a good one. That is the excuse for this: A bright little girl, aged four, and her brother, aged six, were spending the night with their aunt. When bedtime came the aunt asked them how they said their prayers. The little girl answered: “Sometimes I say them on muddy’s knees and sometimes to the side of the bed.” “And how about you, little boy?” asked the aunt. “Oh, I don’t need to pray. I sleep with daddy.” When you read the cables you realise that the Prince of Wales is a young man entirely surrounded by people. JUST BEFORE THE DAWN. At some unearthly hour Before the dawn has come I leave my sleepy bow’r Awakened by a rumBle moving in the street And smashing through my halls, Its unremitting beat Breaks past my solid waffs. I wake and start in dread, And then in language terse I full the darkened bedRoom with a soulful curse As vigorous as deep; For to my nodding dome This knowledge quick doth leap! The Pie-cart goeth home. There was a man in an office who was never happy, he was always grumbling. Very often he arrived late and as often he left the place before closing time. He took a day off for his own amusement, smoked during working hours and he never worried about taking those correspondence courses which prepare a man for Opportunity when it knocks. It was known that he kept late hours and that he would sooner tell stories than work. Did that man get promotion? He did not—he owned the business. THE DIFFERENCE. What the Office Boy does: Arrives late. Wastes an hour in talk. • Smiles at the pretty typist. Wastes an hour in talk. Reads the paper and gasses about football. Beats the dock to lunch. Returns late. Growls about the Boss. Counts the flies on the windows. Wastes an hour in talk. Smiles at the pretty typist. Goes home. What the Boss does: Arrives late. Smiles at the pretty typist. Wastes an hour in talk. Reads the paper and gasses about golf. Beats the clock to lunch. Returns late. Growls about the Office Boy. Counts the flies on the window. Smiles at the pretty typist. Goes to the club.

MINE OWN PEPYS. November I—Up betimes and to my gwtv den to spend the morning in the staking of my pease with bundles of manukas, praying that these may increase the yield from my plantings and so repay this vast expenditure of mine energy, and then to weeding my parsnips and carrots which, an it please the Fates, will grow as well as doth the chick weed, a mighty tenacious stuff and to cause me great concern that there be so much of it. To note with a joyfulness I may not conceal that my pease be flowering in abundance and my beans buzzing with bees making a music that doth gladden my heart. And my French Canadian Wonders growing again after the nipping from the frost, which I pray will not return this season. In the evening to Charley Grey’s and much good music and a supper to boot with a nut loaf better than I have tasted these many days, and so to bed with content. November 3—To the city early and there to learn from one who hath experience in these matters that there was a strange happening on Saturday in that many knowing ones who hath heard of a sure thing at some races do deplete their accompts at the bankers and raise vast sums that they may wager a certain horse shall win and this news getting abroad many join in the scheme so the wiser men who wager against the horses become afeared and decline to accept any further offerings, but when the certainty rolleth home as an also started there be a great dole, on the one side that hard earnings be forever gone and on the other that fear hath reduced the profits. Truly a wonderful thing is this and one on which I speak with Mrs Shaun who straightway to warn me that an I go betting I am more of a stupid ass than she hath suspicioned and likely to go broke, I not knowing the difference between a live horse and one that be dead. I to retort that I wager it will be where there can be no loss, such that Josiah will mention Democracy when next he may speak, but Mrs Shaun to declare it to be bad sportsmanship to wager on a certainty.

November 4 —Lay late reading a romantique tale concerning Flaming Youth which be enough to take the chill from the air so that I am comfortable, but to resolve that ’twere better to keep it in my cool store and to frown ’upon it when Mrs Shaun would ask of me concerning it. An astonishing tale and one to make me wonder where the world be going to. Up at last and to hear that my daughter hath discovered my gum pot and be sticking to it, so that my spouse will declare she will be a journalist, a hard thing to say of the offspring and she so young. Thence to my garden and to listen to the bees among the beans, noting that they have a decided Highland accent which is evidence that the manure I have from the Mackintosh be having an effect on them. Mrs Shaun to say that she hopeth this sound be not made by the drones and I must perforce laugh at the woman’s sally, though twould have been better an I had thought of it, since she will now be high-holding her head and hard to manage.

November s—Up5—Up early that I may not be disturbed by the Guy Fawkes parties, but in bitter disappointment that I see none and am denied the opportunity to continue my research to find what these blackamoor boys do sing about. To the city and to hear that the wife of a man of mine office did go last night to select a vegetable from her outside shed and on rising did raise a might hulloa at a man threatening her with outstretched arms, and then to be the butt of her family’s laughter in that she hath been put in a flutter by a Guy. A great rejoicing this day that Master Calvin Coolidge be elected the King of the Americans and my raspberry canes be giving promise of a big crop.

November 6—This day on my going to the city there did come to me one who hath a great story of a rout by the young ladies who give us the wrong numbers when one of them is retiring. He to tell me that a fancy dress ball being held one who invariably findeth the number I most desire engaged, did attend as a blackamoor making a great sensation but on my making inquiry concerning the costume she wore he to say he may not tell, but that there were beads. To learn that the Smith hath returned from his travels, but he to say nothing in the newsprints concerning his fishing exploits spoken of by my physician nor of any more cups he hath bought from the silversmiths across the seas.

November 7 —Wakened by a man coming to say with a great rejoicing that the All Blacks have beat Ulster by 28 points to six and he being from the South to be gladdened by this trouncing which showeth that the Dublin players be better in that the All Blacks did win by only six points there. On my rising to meet with another Irishman from the South and he with a great anger to complain that there be an injustice done in that the All Blacks did score more pienteously against Ulster than in Dublin thus showing the North more of their might than was so in the Free State. A strange business concerning the which I may say nothing- From the mail a letter from my physician partly in French and writ from Paris where he mourneth for the breath of one Highlander in a place where the liquors have foreign names and his accent unsafe. A sad tidings but a warning to me for when I go atra veiling that I learn these names. And so to bed in gnef for him.