Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19099, 17 November 1923, Page 9 (Supplement)

Shaun’s Patch.

“A Little Nonsense Now and Then.”—Hudibras.

Nobody in the Old Country has suggested yet that the elections will be Up with Baldwin! Now that Mr Massey has been called the Father of the Conference it won’t be long before he enters the Grand Old Man class. One American newspaper has boiled some important definitions into small compass: “If he dodges motor cars, he is a pedestrian; if he dodges taxes, he is a financier; if he dodges responsibilities, he is a politician.” *j* * * * THE ZOOLOGICAL ALPHABET. S was . a terribly stubborn Stork Who said he’d feed on nought but pork, But all the pigs with enterprise Did in a union organise And left the bird with an empty fork. One of the commonest of the telephone’s virtues and yet one that is rarely mentioned is its readiness as an excuse. You can always say I tried to get you on the ’phone and failed, or I left a message with you by telephone. This instrument leaves no trace. • • * • • In all this world can there be found A torment worked by God a man To equal that which ev’ry annUm' comes here with the merry-go-round ? The miners seem to want the Government to step in and stop the fight. Somebody must be getting hurt. The next thing we will have a dignified protest against the importation of coal. MINE OWN PEPYS. November 10—Abroad betimes to the buzzing of the blowflies and chirrup pf the songsters of the Heavens, also with my nose severely tweaked by my daughter. To my garden under a withering sun, which did sadly reduce my bulk as 1 did move hurriedly to escape the onslaught of certain pesky flies knowjn to the cognoscenti as sand flies, though I did frequently call them by a different name, at which Mrs Shaun did chide me. At night to the rooms of Charlie Gray where we did have music and discussion on various matters of interest. Then to bed content with a day’s work of which a man of my weight in the community might well be proud. November 12—Up with much leisure, being awaery with doings in the public interest on the Lord’s Day. I did inform Mrs Shaun that despite injunctions that I should not walk I had in a bursting out of enthusiasm foreign to my nature elected to walk through certain places known to the geographers as Sandy Domain with a Forester yclept Smith, a sturdy fellow and a tiresome walker, who did show me by personal contact vast stretches of domain and vaster of sand, so that I did trudge for nigh on six hours in company with a dentist fellow who verily I do believe was in this deep conspiration. In the recital of my doings Mrs Shaun did manifest much interest and did say twould be of greater service than dieting on which I had ; had some discussion of late. I fear ; that Mrs Shaun is growing callous, I perhaps the result of the Great War when human fife was held niore cheaply than ’tis now. This day my dentist doth cancel my appmt. with him, whereat I do rejoice privily I that he be hoist with his own 1 petard. November 13 —Abroad early and to th© tennis courts where I did show moderate form with my new racquet, but did not win, so that when Mrs Shaun doth propose a game of the golfs I did accept after showing a proper and seasonable reluctance, a posture which I did manage with I some grace. This day I did hear thht j in certain championships in hoi weather it be the custom of mighty players to carry teapots with them that the sand on the tees may be dampened. I did remark to Mrs ■ Shaun that this is taking tea to | the tee, where she with a humour I rare in woman saith it be a custom | that suit to a T. November 14 —This day we did go to golf and I did begin with skill, but on crashing at the second hole I did impress on my opponent that we be playing hole play, so that I did thus emerge with a drawn game, to my pleasure. In this game Mrs Shaun I did take part but I did hold mine own with her and thus maintained my status in mine home. To the city and on my return I did find her convulsed with laughter over the strange anticks of a certain man of science who play the jester and reduce them to merriment by saying he had gone too far. All of which I did hear with grave demeanour that there thus a rival to me and that the wife of my bosom doth laugh at the quips of others. A mighty disturbing business. November 15—To the city where I did meet the Chief looking mighty gay and a buttoniere—this maketh me proud of my achievements in the language of the Gauls—of heather. He did explain that it be a gift from the Weekly Scotsman people of Edinburgh who do remember him annually. Halving the bouquet he to decorate mine lapel complimenting me on the manner of my disposal of the truculent Rufus, who he affirmeth be now a wearer of habiliments of sack. He did mention too that for St. Andrew’s Day they do have as orator one Thomson an M.P. who with no mincing words will do justice to the Nation and her I Saint. I do promise that D.V. I shall attending and that I shall wear my heather till come that day, whereat he to rejoice after the manner of his race. A mighty strange people, but very hospitable. In the evening to a worthy dinner in honour of our fellow townsman Lillicrap, who did twit me on my golfing, but I did dispose of his challenge right worthily by the ignoring of it. Thereat I did hear a right witty speech by a Scot who hath skill with horses and is a man of pawky humour. I did find the cigars excellent but of the age of the lamb I was not assured. November 16—A warm day on which I did work lustily and did perspire not: a little, so that I did make but small entry in my diary.

In an American newspaper recently « read “The Village Blacksmith Dead." but at least the poem about him has become a spreading chestnut. • • ♦ • • When Poincare starts to demand the body of Little Willie there will be a brand new set of crises for Europe, particularly as the right to demand him is set out in the precious Versailles Treaty. It is singularly appropriate of course that it should be because we have all regarded Willie aa an article. • • • • • I love my garden in the Spring When veggies grow like anything, I love it, too, at even time When shadows fall and widely climb, But when at noon time I must weed I curse the garden, plant and seed. When we are all converted to Spiritualism we will put R.S.VP. instead of R.I.P. on our tombstones. Both marks and Marx are low in publia estimation to-day. * ♦ * ♦ • The reason I like going to a beach is that on the sand even the most insignificant of us can make an impression. * * * • • “No drink in all this lovely land! I 'Twill lead Is all to dry rot!” Thus spoke the Soak in U.S.A. And asked: “If no wine, why not?* “Be calm, good sir,” the Prohib said, ‘Think of the gain and cry not. The tons and tons of grand new jokes, So then if no wine, whine not.” « • • • • When my neighbours moved away mj? wife who liked them so much was affected. It was a moving sight, any* way. The Bridge of Sighs: When you’s partner is a dud. ♦ • • • • FICKLE ERMENTRUDE. Whfen Algy Brown was very poor He loved sweet Ermentrude Who said that she would be engaged Although his style was crude. He could not dance or even jazz, His manners gave her pain, And Ermy very soon was quite fed up With her bucolic swain. She danced once with another boy And Algy got annoyed, He chided her in angry tones And rough words did employ. Said she; “If you are feeling peeved Just get another gal. And thus you can get rid of me And I’ll be pleased, I shall.” “That suits me right,” said Algeron, “I’m thinking of it now, Release me fickle one, for I Have sold my farm for twenty thou.* “Release you,” shouted Ermentrude, “To whom I said I would be wife? A sale’s so diff’rent from a lease! Release ? Not on your life.” Now that .the Italians have at last succeeded in arriving at a decision to connect Venice with the mainland by motorroad we will probably see a “d” put into the Doge’s Palace. ♦ * • • • There is a good story revealed in tho American newspapers. It seems that Stephane Otto de Denny, a Belgian blood, is fond of practical joking. One day ho appeared before General Allen, Comman-der-in-Chief of the American Army of Occupation at Coblenz, and informed him that the King of the Belgians had sent him to Allen with a decoration. The American troops were paraded and passed in review before de Denny, who then pinned a medal on Allen’s bosom before the whole force. Later Allen discovered the hoax, and came through an awkward time by taking it in a sporting spirit, not at all an easy thing to do. • * * • * Complaints about the fees charred to motorists under new local by-laws suggest? that they may lead to locomotor ataxy* among people who ■iiave their own cars. • • • * • On July 7 it was announced that Henry* Ford’s first grand-daughter had been bom in Detroit. You’re right, there ia family* discussion as to whether or not Elizabethi shall be her name. « * * # • I wonder if the Crown Prince entered! Prussia humming to himself to the ac-» companiment of the motor of the. re*( car: “Pappa’s Pants Will Soon Fit Willie* L’Amour est mort, Vive I’amour. Farewell, dear maid. Our love is dead! Our sweet romance away is laid, Ah me! The last endearing words are said. Ah, do not grieve, Have ne regret That thus you are compelled to leave. Ah me! We will depart, we will forget. O brief, brief joy! O loves that die! You say you’ve found another boy!. Ah me! Another girt has caught my eye. FABLES IN SOUTHLAND. Of The Silent Man Who Spoke A Piece. Once upon a Time, in a Burg between the Hokonuis and a Stretch of Water called the Oreti, there Moved and Had his Being a Solid sort of Cove who made a Hobby of running Public Bodies. It was Hui Method to cling like the Ivy or the Ancient Maid backing a Last Chance to the quietude the Sages have dubbed Golden. Thus he Acquired a reputation for Vast Knowledge and a Sure Touch in Wangling whatever he said was Good for the People. In their wisdom theßurgesses did elect him to the Robe and Chair of the Chief Magistracy and he did sit in the Seats of the Mighty. There he did Run across a Griirf Old Boy who had added to the Gaiety of Nations ard was the Watchdog of thd people’s purse and thereby did Hold Up# many schemes. One day the Silent Guy did make Contact with the Grim One and by Manoeuvring the Standing Orders did sit on him with a Few Brief Words, so that there was Peace in the councils and progress in the Work. The Moral: When Silent Men turn to the Silver the Loquacious must Mind His Step.