Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19658, 7 October 1922, Page 9 (Supplement)

Shaun’s Patch.

“A Little Nonsense Now and Then:’—Hudihras

Je must be hard for the newspaper reporters to keep track of things in Portugal: they have a revolution there before you can turn round. Corn must be older than any of the products of the soil. The ancient Man must have grown corns before he stopped hunting Io take up agriculture. A SWEET HAND If I could hold that hand again That once I pressed in mine. I would not care what others asked Or held—l'd not repine. How sweet it was! How sweet and soft, The softest ever seen: Bill held four deuces, dealt him pat, And I? A roy’l routine! I often wonder why the Chief Secretary of the Department of Home Affairs doesn't advise young men who have trousers baggy at the knees to induce the parents of their fiancees to buy some more chairs. Sitting on knees, y'know The other day I saw this in an American paper: It’s never too late to mend Says the adage. It’s never too late to spend Says the ad. page. If the Government had any chance of winning a seat in Christchurch it has fled since ( the automatic telephones were put in. The lunacy figures have gone so high since thp new system went in that the Booze advocates are scared they will be used to combat the statistics they quote as the truth about dry areas. # * * « • Talking about dry areas reminds me that one of the stories going the rounds is that there is a town in Virginia so dry that they have to pin the postage stamps on to letters. To this I am compelled to counter on behalf of the Trade that there is a town somewhere el«e so wet that even company promoters drown. There was a young lady called Grace Who said that she'd never tight lace. The reason is clear: She always did fear To feel herself so out of place. * • * ♦ . Lord Jacky Fisher hail a quick, if rough wit. Sir Guy Fleetwood Wilson tells that on one occasion when Fisher was writing to the Press and using a lot of bad language, he wrote to the fiery admiral and jestingly suggested that the Sea Lord should strengthen his style., adding: “Cannot you find some more suitable words than damn, of which everyone is getting weary?” In reply, he received a telegram from Fisher containing the single word: “Assouan.” It took Wilson some time to realise that Assouan was the biggest dam in the world. According to the people who are going to save the liberties of the nation, the way to make people drink is to pul prohibition on them. It follows then that we need only pass a law to prohibit people from going to church and we can save everybody. I wonder the churches haven’t thought of this long ago. SONG FOR A WOMAN 1 wish I were a flapper With hair cut in a bob, Just looking like a Cedar mop Perched on a henna’d nob. I wish I were a flapper And looking awfully quaint With cheeks a deathly, chalky white And lips like wet red paint. I wish 1 were a flapper Loud and over-bold, Flaunting high her skinny youth For I am growing old. I wish I were a flapper I'll wish it till I die, For she can look a perfect fright And no one asks her why. 1 wish I were a flapper I'm feeling so depressed For I am just a woman Respectably dressed. There is a good story being told in Europe as an example of the way the busting of a currency interferes with morals. Oh, no; it is not a spicy story; it is merely a dabbling in economics and other things. The story tells us that a successful trades man in Vienna died late in the war and left his twin sons a respectable sum, a million kronen to be accurate. Thus each inherited about £20,000. One was a Virtuous Son and he was thrifty; the other was a Vicious Son and he was thirsty. The Virtuous Son put his money in a bank and lived respectable on the income, but the Vicious Son spent his in satisfying his and others’ thirsts. Then came the collapse and the Virtuous Son found that his capital was cut down to £.3 and the interest to half-a-crown per annum. But the Vicious Son who spent his 500,000 kronen on liquor kept the bottles and sold them for 8 millions. The moral of this story is demoralising; but there it is.

An African monarch imperial Go bankrupt, he always doth fear hr will So he saves in his harem With his wives—that don’t scar’em Their dresses are quite immaterial Punctuality: The thief of time. * » • « • JUapunctuabty: The sign of a busy w • • • • Tom. Tom,. the piper’s son Grabbed bis father’s pipes fnr fun; Blew ’em full, them squashed them flat And folks said; "What fine tunc is that?* I suppose when the Tower Board cm gineer reads about the objections of certain ratepayers he must hum lo hunfielU “There is a Greenhill far away.” GREAT EVENTS. When Napoleon crossed the Alps And swiped the Auslros hip and thigK Folks hailed it as a mighty deed, Fit for bards to glorify. When bold Leonidas stood firm And with his Spartans held the past Against the Medes, the world as one Regarded him as A.l. class. And Shakespeare come from Stratford town Regaled the world with wond’rous So that all men since, then agree In handing to Old Bill the bays. While Amundsen with dogs and dash Was first to reach the southern Pole The world at large with loud acclaim Put him abreast the topmost hole. But all these (leeds of mighty men Have been eclipsed, put quite away! My daughter Judith, not twelve monthi Waved “Ta-Ta” when I left , It is not so long ago that a Boston aa« nouncement rca<jr as follows: SPECIAL SALE OF STUDENTS’ SUPPLIES. 10 Per Cent. Discount to All Bonified Students. Why the thin ones should get the "fat” l like this will remain a mystery to me for years and years. I notice that Mr Massey has promised to abolish the Amusements Tax. This witt be the first amusing thing the Prime Minister has said about the tax. , After a long and educative course o! moving pictures I have come to the conclusion that when the modern flapper ia preparing some poor male for a proposal she “Vamps till ready.” 1 am still wondering whether the local Labour Representation Committee or Mr Farrant will be the first to learn that able speech beginning: “To repudiate, or not repudiate! That is the question.” THE ADVENTURES OF PHILEMON An Off Day. How lucky you! who don’t need to be ruing The dismal fact that there is nothing Who can, when work is done, be at you< ? ease, And wander off to do just what you please! Just think of me! No leisure may I serie Till I’ve had my adventure for the week. Which means, when things arc slow or I am tired, Tis hard for any flea to be inspired. The world is full of things by mankind wrought Which when examined show themselves as nought, Such as a scheme to fill the dearest wish) Of those who would provide us with cheap fish, Or notions bringing Heaven to our reac.lj Such as we find in pobtician’s speech. The creditors, who rush in far too late To get a piece of someone's bust estate, They very often find when down they pin it That there is really nothing worth while in it. Take Power Board discussion of the minute. Drawn out a» long as eloquence can spin ill And, thoiipli ih« iiicinber.s talkJ The true summation of their wisdom’s zero. Great schemes for making football teanu efficient Rise up and fail because they arc deficient In something practical. They crack yotf dumb With words but turn out only vacuum. There arc inquiries to cause much trouble Which ha\c as much of substance as a bubble. While though Dame Rumours rife and getting rifer The real result is not more than a cipher. The poet with vers libre men would rank But when he’s done his verse is very blank, And orators who yearn just to be heard When they have si>okcn, haven't said a word. In fact you’ll find this world goes on the jag With things substantial as an empty bag. And why I write this junk's not hard to seek— With nothing I’ve adventured, sirs, this week.