Rhymes and Rakings

Southland Times, Issue 10996, 27 July 1907, Page 3 (Supplement)

Rhymes and Rakings

(By a Stray Person.') “ O tempera, O Mores/' anti very nearly' it was missed. But Mit is fame none the less—fame witli a real, dug-out-of-thc-clictionarv piece ol hackneyed latin jammed in capitals in the middle of it. Let mu tell you of the manner of finding it. Through default of the family butcher it became necessary for a “Stray person’’ one day this week to mount his bike and gather in some succulent sausago at great speed. And as he raced homeward there glared out at him from the wrapper of his purchase- jt wer words ; “ Stray Person/’ They stood in the midst of thirty' lines of curious grammatical construction ; they were,, topped by ja black heading, " Jockinl wi decliculty/’ and underneath was the pen name “ Argus.’’ Who “ Jocked wi dcclkully 7” Ask ArguS; he knows. The “dceiiculty ’’ with which he saw the “ Jock ’’ was amazing. In tho beginning he ‘ was surprised—surprised at the self-for-getfulness .of Councillor Martin when ho called Ihe Times “the Morning Pag.’’ At that time such usage of decadent platitudes was "anything but crediitable.” Since then, however (and here’s the pithpof it), since then the scene has changed. And small wonder : Argus, the sleepless, the watchful, the hundred-eyed, Argus, the typo of nil observance has * suffered the unspeakable indignity of

having his “ attention -drawn ” to what appeared in last week’s Rhymes* and Bakings about the Bain of the Council. Ills iimnediale conclusion was that “ there was a screw loose somewhere.Rather I would suggest that when Argus takes ito drowsing every rivet in his harness needs attention. But, pardon this digression. He goes on ; "My first thoughts were that the ~‘'slilay ” person had ‘strayed’—lost a ‘shingle’— or that, some kiddies had ‘strayed’ into the ‘sanctum’ during his temporary absence and had played '.skittles’ with the type. It is the most erratic production and mess of (ype I ever beheld, and they seem to glory in the great and unintelligible mystery of its being unanswerable. "O tempora, O mores.’ But on second thoughts, they might place the mantle of ignorance on my shoulders.” To that last sentence, with all my heart 1 say, “Amen.” Need I say more ? On second thoughts, yes. You, old Argus, were e'er best at looking on, and obviously your skill with the pen is such that you will gain no distinction by Inking part in the game. However, if you must, y-ou must ; but let me remind you that there nve little points of etiquette, little courtesies that you have overlooked : These pages are always open to you. If you had, for instance, beun a member of the staff of the paper to which you wrote you would have known these things. You are a classic scholar, Argus ? Non wrote O tempora, t) mores,” I give you then for keeps : ‘" O si tacuisses. philosophus mansisses.” »»*•** .*

“ Oi see,” said Mr Dooley, ” putting down his evening paper, ” that they re taikiu tiv a reeMval av tli noble ar-rt av .sih’-deiiuee, an’ a splashin’ rutin' puD.uyg-.byrics about, the Br-rilislier’s love av lair . play an’ courage an’ all lit’ rest av ui.” “ Ay, ihruo," said Mr lienuebsy, •• an’ phwat’s wrong wid that ? A.'.t i ret - P-'-jtisher (which means one i .-uay good for loivo furriguers some as in lh’ days av owid •• Hinnessy,” replied Mr Dooley, “be not desayved, me bhoy ; Jet lh’ scales fall fr’m yer oyes, an’ dyvest yorself av .the cloggin’ mantle av sell-esteem an’ unjust holed national inflation. Sluice it’s mcsclf as is al'thec seciu’ all ilium bhouts av pugilloslics at th’ muni-cipp-at theaytiv, Chucsday an’ Winsdy noights, an’ it’s all vanity, Hinnessy, vanity an’ vexashun av spirit. There was wan Aytheopian fr'm Afric’s dusky strand, Hiimessy, an' wan h'.yeialian fr’m the laud av gr-raud operas au’ mukyroni, au’ the rest av thini was Englishmen, Oirishmin, Scotchmen an’ other Christians. Now which av cm. Hiimessy, was ul that was payualised f’r foul duyiin ? .V Britisher. Au’ whin that Aytheopian sint that Eyelalian t’ shleep wid a stuuuiu’ punch on the jaw so as he was co,anted out an’ helped off tho lh’ boai-rds, did that Eyetalian draw ids stiiiePlo au’ cur-rvo up that Aytheopian fr’iu behoind, like yer egieation led you t’ believe ho would, him bein’ an Eyetalian V No, ilinnossy, ho did not. Wid his oyes swelled an’ bulgin’ loike raisins iu n shtew, am’ him shakin’ loike a iai'e, ho just smoilcd lh’ wauest ghost av a snioilc an’ owned himseif beat fair by superior giueralship. An’ which av ’em was su-per-rlativcly a ginlleman in th’ ring ? The Aytheopian, Ilinuessy. An’ whin that dusky son av Ham who was only twelve stone an’ a pound or two, was matched agin two hundred and noiuo pounds av determined-lookin' Oirishman, did ho flinch or turn pale V No. ho did not, Ilinuessy, Ho Just swum iu at him loike a retreever afLiter a d.uk, an’ wid his eyes broight buit no malice in 'em, he pasted patterns on to tho face av our counthryman, Hiimessy, an’ come out av th’ ring heavy-weight champion av Southland, an’ ns fresh as black paint. There's a lot av’ talk, Hiimessy, about a Whoite New Zealand an’ the sappreshun av the alien. But what did the crowd do whin the judges give their decision in favor av tho black agin the whoite ? They howled, Hinnessy, howled their deloight, an’ clapped cm’ stamped an’ want into byatatics an’ paroxations av joy. An’ thin, ELinnessy, there’s this question av pngr nasties ns a popular sphoctacle. It laches self-control, they say, t’ th’ combattant, an’ love av fair play et cetera t’ th’ onlooker. Rats ! Iliunessy, I say, rats ! It’s affection for raw* meat that it learns ’em, Hinnessy, the appetite f’r blood an’ I brutality is what at fosters, ’an' if ye’d have seen the look on tho faces av some av thim contestin’ par-iTies, an’ henr-rd the audible disgust av the bystanders whin the gore-tnpa was tur-rued aft, ye’d have known it, Hinnessy. I seen an infant fightin’ agin a long slip av a Mcthody-apos-tlo-lookin’ chap, Hinnessy, an’ rashin' him an’ gettiu’ punched in th’ epighastrium. An’ whin that infant wint back to his corner, Hinnessy, he vomittod into a bucket. Was that an ennoblin’ spectacle f’r the public, Hinnessy ? An’ thin Oi seen a man goin’ out at gong-sound wid a streamer av" coaggylated lolfe’s-blood danglin' fr’m his countenance ; an’ one av his seconds grabbed f’r it an’ captured iit in a towel. Was ‘ that upliftin’ ? No, Hinnessy ; me natural inclination an’ admiration is f’r co-operative an’ mutual head-break-in’ whin there’s just an’ raysonable excuse such as wakes, fairs an’ th’ loike; but we’re livin’ in a day av onloightenment nn’ grace, Hinnessy, we’re civilised beyant the. practice av' man-atin’ ; eevolution has robbed ns av our one-time attitude f’r effective fisticulturo an’ th’ less we give way

t’ unintelligent 1 cant about Hi’ noble ar-rt 0 I silf-delmco” th’ hotter fr all concerned. Au’ now get y’r drink into ye. HiiV* nessy, an’ be off home t’ y’r woife loike a: da cent malm. * « jt » W #? An old bug has bitten Oriel ’ L dn a new place. Wherefore iliisj and conV gratulations thereupon : The sesquipedalian piece of dictation set for candidates for clerkships in the Sydney Waten-atrd Sewerage Board moved members to exclaim aloud at the idiosyncrasies of English as she is spelt. The discussion was as follows : A Member of the Board—The English spelling is most damnable. Alderman Meagher.—The literature of the English language is one of the most glorious in the world. Alderman Griffin.—Why should wo have two ‘‘ c’s ” and two ‘‘ m’s "■ in the word accommodation ? Alderman Meagher.—Why should there be two " f’s ” in Griffin ? Alderman Griffin. —Well, if you had your own name spelt Mar ” it would lie very* much shorter than it is. ■(Laughter.j The language of Shakespeare diffuses Its eloquent glories afeaglicr, Though maybe Us smelling amuses T hose newspaper crlties who ea-'her Alive to its many abuses When writing q luminous poagheri

Though It he Mr Deakin’s psofesslon To sliine like a sCintilhml "steagher, With phrases and turns cf expression. His verbiage will nut debengher The thought, just by way of digression. What wearisome worries words eagliet” Our spelling Hath rules autocratic, More binding than those of the Czeagher Its way; and its works are erratic, • They jingle and jangle and jeagher ; They reia’ler a trouble emphatic. Our venemous vernaeuleagher. ’Twill continue until wo lie stiff in Our panoplied funeral eoagher ; And it will not itbtonisli ns, if In Some new and remote nvatooghcr, Wo hear astral queries from ClrifTm, And nebulous comments by Meagher.

He was only a man, and he had a man’s limitations. He married her, put a roof over her head, ate. what she cooked for him, bought his own matches, learned to wipe his boots on the mat and refrained from smoking in his sleep. She brought her mother to stay with them, nnd hu didn’t chop the piano down, with tho axe. She callously appropriated several presents that ho had given her and brazenly called them hers. Ho was uncomplaining.. Then she con-li-caiied his three white shirts and his singlet. That broke his hoai’t, and ho wont To see a magistrate. His was a grief that lay too deep for prose, and so ho lodged his complaint ns follows :

I’m u peaceful sort of person wholi my dander isn't riz, And as gentle as a butterfly at play ; But my natural docility is apt to vanish, whiz ! When the missus brings her mother homo to stay.. When we sidled to tho altar, heads 'awhirl and chocks aflame, With my stripy pants a-brushing of her skirt, How was I to know she’d tnrn to' klcpt'o kleptc—what's his name, And rOo mo of nrr singlet and my shirt ? Oh, my heart-strings' twang and twlttfir (o the fingering of grief. Ami my bosom throbs nnd palpitates with puin, flrim remorse has carved Its emblem 03 my soul lit bass-relief, ■And the wheels of anguish grind within my brain.; M i I ' l.oVe ami lentils, smiles aiul bafid, kisSOS, caramels and ted,- , Cherished interludes of Spooning iu the dark— All (ho joys of old arc swallowed up In sorrow’s angry 'seir., Since she bobbed mo of my singlet nnd my 'oarlf;

There are things to bo forgiven and perhaps to he forgot—- “ Give and take ” has been my motto ns a spouse— Though a wife’s tho sorest' trial that a married man has got, She's a handy thing to have about tlio house. I’d have gone On uncomplaining thi’ougli her smiles and tears and scorn, But for this unpatchablo anti gaping rift, Which, with .bfiiso ingratitude, Iti my affections she has torn', By embezzling my singlet and my shirt.