Irish Colloquial Wit and Humour

Southland Times, Issue 12007, 30 March 1892, Page 4

Irish Colloquial Wit and Humour

I muet («aya Richard Asbe King, in Balgravia) admit that Irish wit v often of fie most mordant aDd even sardonic kind. Wai th«re ever a more Bdidonic stroke of description inarj that O'Connell gave of Peel's bloodieesneea ? Hie smile was like tbe sliver plate on a coffin.' Of another and lower quality, but good of itri kind, is the following fish wife's sarcasm: — A friend of mine was waiting bis torn to be served in a fi*h shop, while a little weasened old gentleman priced every fish io the sbop. 'How much is tbia — ami this — and this — aad this?' &c, &c, till tie ex sperattd ■hop woco'in exi:ia:ui<rd, ' Ati ! Go an ou ; ot thit wid yo! It isn't fiih jo want, but information !' A jourualiet tol-.i mo that he ooc- overheard this passaijti of arms l>< iwe^n n cosch;uaa ani i» beggar tutiU ouikioe the Foar Courts, Djbiirj. A* t:>e beu'X" r wliH wbining tor aims at the carriatj< j do^r, the C ■'Chruan tum-d ro'in-i ;o c<y eLarpiy to him, '(Jouie, my man, iak^ yonr r-.g» o»; of tint!' T/»t i.eag'i.r, with a witheruij,' gla ace at the coac:huiKQ'a i^rsy, ret^ri- .-H, * ale r-igs ! Tn y're m- 1 O'.vu, me :uu; !' Ooce mere, about a d z v )\-»rn ii.;o ;m Eagiieh t'e! : u.-. -tr »vt11.;., wi.:i •<■' «. vi I •••. ad re Timing fr m D.ib iv t> Br.»U'or.J, » .id t:i me, 'Be Ly t!ioi9 In*ti fel ov» ri<« i> qu. er lot! la AloiHH,-n'rf flot< ■!, <vl-,eri- I w:s staying, there \kho a poo> wa:t< r so nl sli-i* he couM hardiy criwi iibnir, an<i 1 t-md < f him (at he stood oo the step* to *c* in if}) to tht carmaD, 'That poor fellow 0 k.shockingly ill !' 'O^h ! Ii! I Sur< . hb'« dead these two mjnh«, oa'y he's \o-> I z ; to close his eyes 1' Mra Laverty, ao Irish lady, who lived thirty miles from the American Richmond, wa« ia the provident habit of laying io a store of groceries to last an eotire quarter, Bioce the could net repair to RicrmiDi oftener than four times a year. Go one of these provisioning expedition*) cho l»id in a atore of matches — a disastrous in vestim nt fciuce cot a match would s'.rike. Wild w;iß her fury, wi.ich was kept alight and aglow ! y her recurring daily trouole to get hvr fire alight and aglow wi;hout a match. Ht-r wrath, tbu« kept at boiling piiut for three monttis, gave the store- keeper a hot qnnrtf-r Ot ao hour when she burst at het ioto his store and thundered down the parcel of match boxes upon tbo counter. Having waited with deferential putience till the Btorm had ept-nt iißelf, Ije said suavely, 'Al ; ow me, madame.' Tokicg it match-box from ttie parcel and a match ilri'iij the box, be struck it, after the manner of men, upon his trousers. 'See, madame !' he exclaimed in emug triump, hoi iing up the kindled match, 'The divil fly away wid ye !' shrieked Mrs Laveriy. 'Do yo think tbat ivery time T .'ve a fira to light I'll thravel thirty miles to ethnke a malch on the sate of yt're b eeches ?' A frieait of my father's bad a servant called Jerry Doharty, a handy man, who was of invulcuble fcervi.jo to him — uutil poor Jerry took to linuSc. Hir* imstt.-i' as much in his own interests ac in Jcrry'« ? wua coolinrally trying to reform him ; and to this end he would read out to J-iry from the newspapers every story of crime or of troobte traceable to drink, which he could find iajtherjD. At laet he cam" upon s fctory which might have reformed Baniolpb. I*, was a thrilling ta c of a druLkuri wo Wis 80 avlarak-d with whisky tt.at his brent Li carlgrjt tire as be was blowing out a caodle, set his inside abUze as it would have set any o.ner whiiky (ask, and rurned him to aabe» iv five minutes, 'No w Jerry, now Jerry,' urged his mutter, with tbe solemnity of an adjuration, 'let this bo a warning to you !' 'Oh, begor, it will so, air !' groined tbo hor ified Jerry. 'I'll never blow a candlj out again tha lonee&rn day I live !' A famous Burgeon told me tbat he we-ut once to see a looatic in a private asylum, and tbat, in passing tbrongh a corridor, he was thuß accosted by one of the patients : 'Take off your hat, «ir.' ' Why should I?' asked my fritnd. 'Because lam the son of the Emperor of the French.' 'Oh, I beg yonr Royal Highness's pardon,' apologised my friend, taking hiß hat off. On revisiting tbe asylum a mcnlki or so later, he was •gain accosted io the same corridor by the BOD of the Emperor of the French, and in the some words: 'Take off your hat, sir.' 'Why ?' again a»k dmy friend. ' Became I urn the eon of th- Emperor 01 Germ my.' 'Of th* Enop ror of Germany? Surely, when last I bud the honour to see your Rvyal Highneee, you were the Bon of the Eoape/or of toe French ? 'A'i, well— yes,' he eUnimerrd. Bat recovering at once from hie embarrassment. he added brightly, 'That was by another mother.'