VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 3340, 15 December 1883, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A contemporary speaks of_ a wellknown militia general that “his sword was drawn but once—and then in a raffle.”

“Do you love me _ still, John?” whisoered a sensitive wife to her husband! “Of course, Ido ; the stiller the better,’ answered the stupid husband. Clergyman : “ I’m afraid you’r lipsey, Lanchie.” Lauchie : “Ye needna bo feerd—yer quite reecht. Clergyman . “ I’m sorry for it.” Lauchie : “So am I, for I got fou far ower soon. The whusky was gran’ !” It was an Irish pilot, who, being asked if he knew the rocks in the harbor, replied with confidence —‘ I do, yer honor, ivery wan av thim. That’s wan,’ he added calmly, as the ship struck it, filled, and sank. Professor to child (angry at inattention) —“Another minute, Miss, and I shall go and speak to your mamma.’ Pupil : “Well, take care pa don’t catch you at it, that’s all ; he’s awfully jealous.” “ Is your mistress in ?” said a caller to the domestic. “ She is, sir." “Is she engaged ?” asked the caller. “ Faith, she is more than that,” was Bridget’s prompt response. “ She’s married.” Bridget—“ Och! Dennis, me darlin’, what is’fc ve’re a-thrying of ?” Dennis—- “ Whist "me hearty! I was ounly pourin’ boilin’ water down the hen’s throat, so that she’d be afther layin’ boiled eggs!”

“ I haf only one brice for my goots,’’ said one of our clothing merchants to a customer the other day, and then an aside to hia clerk he added, with a wink, “ and dot was to brice he vas rilling to gif-” Five thousand broom-handles q day are made in a certain township “ out West,” remarks an American paper, and the married males never stay out at night later than nine o’clock

A voter, deficient in personal beauty once said to Sheridan, “ I moan to withdraw my countenance from you.” “ Many thanks for the favor replied the candidate,“ for it is certainly the ugliest that ever I saw.”

“ Master at home ?” “ No, sir, he is out.” “Mistress at home?” “No, sir, she’s out.” “Then I’ll step in and sit by the fire.” “ That’s out too, sir,”

An old man entering a saloon early one morning, called for an “eye-opener.” A young man of very tough appearance, standing by the stove, kept looking at him very intently. “What are you looking at?” asked the old man. “ Nothing,” answered the young fellow. “ Well,” replied the old man, “ I am no looking-glass.” The Matrimonial Market. —A vigorous old fellow of Maine who had lately buried his fourth wife was accosted by an acquaintance, who, unaware of his bereavement, asked, “ How is your wife Uap’n Plowjogger?” To which he replied, with a perfectly grave face, “ Well, to tell ye the trewth, I am kinder out of wives just naow.”

There was a miner in the village of Neudorf in Germany, who, when he was ill, was accustomed to send his son to the captain of the mine to give his compliments, and say he was sorry he would not be able to go to work that day. One night the father died suddenly, and the boy, thinking it only right to let the captain know, wrote the news to him in the following words“ My father sends his compliments, and says he is sorry he can’t can’t come to work any more, as he died at half-past two o’clock this morning.” When the late Judge Howell of Rhode Island, was at the bar, Mr Burgess, to play a joke, wrote on the lining of his hat, vacuum caput (empty head). The hat circulated about, exciting a smile on every countenance except that of the owner, who deliberately took it up and repeated the words, and well-knowing the author, addressed the court as follows :—“ May it please the Court, I ask your Honor’s protection ” (holdingup his hat) ; “for,” said he, “ I find that brother Burgess has written his name in my hat, and I have reason to believe he intends to make off with it.”