THE SKETCHER.

Saturday Advertiser, Issue 52, 8 July 1876, Page 5

THE SKETCHER.

UTOPIA UNYEIRED.

ACT I. Scene I.

Great Temperance Carnival held on the occasion of the withdrawal of all wholesale and retail licenses in Neio Zealand. Chief Good Templar addressing audience. This day the triumph of our glorious cause Has been completed ; and we now rejoice, That from our favoured Isles, the strictest laws Have banished alcohol. Despite the voice Of bloated publicans, and those who held (Trade scarce less vile) a licensed bottle shop. Brewers and merchants, who with purses swelled By the accursed traflic, tried to stop The consummation of this glorious day. No more at midnight, from the vile hotels, Shall rise the noisy Bacchanalian lay ; No more at even shall our fast young swells For drinks at yankee grab, or euchre play. Along our streets, no drunkards now reel Beneath the pale beams of the morning stars, Nor “ Justices” who guard the public weal,

Stand “ nobblerising” at the public bars.

Even as at morn, the sun doth chase away The exhalations of the grizzly night ; So sin and wretchedness, in grim array, Shall disappear before the glorious light Which shone from Heaven 'mid myriad angels’ smiles,

When the Day King, arising in his might, With genial ray, did greet Zealandia’s Isles, From which the curse of drink, this day, is banished quite.

But for enjoyment are we met to-day, So, truce to talking, let the music play ; And roll the hours right joyously along, With festive dance, and jovial Templar song. Song :

Come fill me a flagon of brisk lemonade, And as the foambells in it rise, I will drink to the health of my own Templar maid, In liquor as bright as her eyes. When the brilliance of raspberry mantles

the bowl, As red as my darling’s own lips, Such tranquil enjoyment is shed o’er the soul, It seems to be nectar one sips..

Seltzer-water, or soda, some others may choose, Whilst many prefer gingerbeer, But in any such liquid, I’ll ever refuse To drink to the health of my dear. So fill me a flagon of bright lemonade, And a good dash of raspberry too, And I'll drink to the health of my own Templar maid— So loving, and tender, and true.

Scene II. — High Street. Two City Magnates Meeting. Ist C. M. —“Tis one o’clock, and gone the mail is, Let’s have a nip ; come into Paley’s. 2nd C. M. What ! tea or coffee ? soda ? ginger-pop ? For nothing stronger's going in the shop. lstf C. M. —Tush ! I forgot that Rabid Templar crew Had stopped our forenoon beer, and biscuit too— No matter; we shan’t drink their teas or coffees, I’ll have a good supply sent to the office. You do the same, and ’twill be hard I think, If any of our friends shall lack a forenoon drink. 2nd C. M. —A happy thought; but lam far, far wrong If these restrictive measures can last long. Folk have no need in search of drink to roam, Who keep a cellar or a jar at home. And those who have not, soon shall make a trial To get some at the chemist’s, in a phial Marked “poison” (as, I think, the law permits) To cure, for instance, intermittent fits; And o’er the town, sly grog shops shall be found, And crime and wretchedness still more abound.

Ist C. M. — That would be sad, but fitting termination To abstinence enforced by legislation. 2nd C. M. Confound Teetotallers ! come round to-night, And drink an extra tumbler just for spite.

Scene lll.— Smoking-room in the Dryberion Hotel. flew Chum and Old Identity over Coffee. N.C. —There is no land upon this side of time, ' Where sin and sanctity, and cant and crime Are so commingled past all extrication, As, in this offshoot of our glorious nation, A whited sepulchre it is, that scarce conceals within, The hideous hypocrisy, and foul and festering sin. *

O. I. —ln mercy hold ! I cannot bear to hear Such language of the land I hold so dear ; Of fairest land within the Southern Seas, Tis sad to hear such bitter words as these, But sadder far for me their truth to own, Who, on Zealandia’s shores my happiest days have known. N. C. —But what astonishes the stranger most, Is to find Freedom, every Briton’s boast ; Prone in the dust, and trampled on each day, By small minority that holds the sway, And issues edicts thus Thou shalt not drink Of wine, beer, spirits.” Sad it i 3 to think That true bom Englishmen should e’er consent To eat and drink by Act of Parliament! O. I.— Tis not for long. Even Temperance men have found That the Drink demon won’t by laws be bound; But, when impeded on its onward course, Breaks out afresh with still augmented force. Witness our prisons, fuller than of old, When at each corner, drink was daily sold* Witness again these vestibules of Hell— The sly grog shops, where fiends incarnate SeU Their brain-destroying poison to the crowd Who flock there nightly, being disallowed To purchase alcohol from purer source, By that new patent liquor law Maine force. N C. —Of some such den I’d like to get a sight. O. I. —So be it, then, we’ll visit one to-night And just for once obtain a truthful view Of what well-meaning fanatics have brought our country to.

ACT 11. Scene I.— A Sly Grog Shanty. Old Woman Singing. Song: I’m old Mother Gum, and I keep a store For the sale of whiskey, gin, and rum, Where swell and loafer, and cad and—more, All drink success to Old Mother Gum. The Templars thought, when, they passed, their Bill, That the real teetotal time had come ; But it only helps to fill the till, And empty the casks of Old Mother Gum* For even when Pubs, in days gone by, Sold wines and spirits, and beer and rum, There still were those who came on the sly, And took their nips from Old Mother Gum. And folks in this hypocritical age, Who look on licensed grocers as scum, Come sneaking in their thirst to assuage, At the private bar of Old Mother Gum. And those who never sel foot in a bar, But whose beer from the grocer was wont to come, Drop quietly in with a jug or a jar, To get filled from the store of Old MotherGum.

So drink a health to the Templars bold, In brandy, whiskey, or gin, or rum, For doubling th’ amount of liquor sold, And making the fortune of Old Mother Gum. {Enter New Chum and Old Identity]. , Slangy Barmaid. —Good evenin’ gents ; sit down, here are some chairs. But p’raps you’d rather try the bar upstairs ? No 1 O, beg pardon, then, do take a chair. I thought perhaps you knew the ladies there. I’ve not seen either here before, I think, But each night now new friends drop in to drink. And if you’re strangers I won’t be to blame. Well, what’s your weakness ? Come, give it a name. O. I. —Two coffees please, and put no milk in one.

S. B. —Coffee ! and milk ! I see you’re on for fun ; And I can be as witty as you please. Coffee indeed ! You surely meant two teas. There, that’s not bad. But what’s to be the liquor ? I can’t stay here all night; please do be quicker. 0.1. —We want two coffees, as I said before. S. B. —Oh, draw it mild; that goes beyond the score.

Folks don’t come here for coffee or for tea. jCome on, no nonsense ! Whiskey 1 Gin 1

Q' £ Jn ordering coffee, I meant what I said; But if you’ve none, bring lemonade instead. g m B.— Well, that licks me ! The like I’ve

never seen; You’re either precious deep, or jolly green. I serve Good Templars here each blessed But then they come on quite another lay. We don’t go in for lemonade or pop, Soda’s the only sort we keep in this ’ere

shop, And seldom sell’t without a dash of brandy. y. C. —Then bring two sodas neat, if you can find them handy. O. I. —That painted hussy’s left us now, I think ; So let us watch the crowd she serves with

drink. See these poor servant girls with jugs for beer, What would their mothers think to see them here 1 And watch these rakes that wait to stand them treat. And after “ shouting” see them down the street. And see that tradesman, who ne’er thinking m, Came in some time ago his flask to fill With Port wine ordered for his ailing child. Look at him now, by thirsty mates beguil’d With “just one nobbier” —now to many grown. God help the waiting wife, by that sick bed alone ! Hark to the rattle of the dice o’erhead, And clink of coin that should buy children’s

bread. List to the fierce dispute, the ribald song, And loathsome blasphemy, one hideous throng. See these —hear these—and say, if ’tis not clear That dissipation’s every phase is focussed plainly here 1 _2\r C. —lt is in truth a training school for hell, And its success must please the devil well. Who can depict with what Satanic leer He thinks —Well-meaning men drive my best pupils here !

Scene 11. ( Indignation Meeting of Citizens to pi'otest against th e continuance of the Thnnlc Abolition Bill, and to petition Parliament for a Ulodi/ication of the old Licensing Act.) Chairman.— But a few weeks since, in this very hall, We met before, to celebrate the fall Of Drunkenness, and pseans sing in praise Of Total Abstinence and peaceful days, From which were banished to the end of time, All sin and misery, and want and crime. To-night—sad end to this Good Templar’s dream — We now condemn this most Utopian scheme. The stream of evil from this planet s birth, Throughout all nations hath o’erflowed the earth. From human nature’s darkest depths it rose, And, fed from that same source, still onward flows. The wisest men in each successive age Against this stream have never ceased to wage The sternest warfare ; and their laws have planned To hold the rushing torrent in command, Whilst others have essayed a nobler part, And sought to stem the well-springs of the heart. But in these latter days, with righteous zest, A band of zealots rose, who thought it best No more to guide with laws the river’s course, But dam it up, opposing force with force. With what result this has been tried, my friends, We see too late, but still would make . amends For our short-sightedness. ’Tis sad to find That where the law’s once powerful arm confined The torrent in the course it best should flow, And said, “ Than this thou shalt no further go.” It rages now with unimpeded force, The law all powei’less to restrain its course. Its floodgates burst, its barriers broken

down, The noisome current permeates the town ; And, where fair gardens did their flowers

unfold, Its poisonous wave now rushes uncon-

trolled. Friends, we must free our country from

this curse ; For daily, hourly, matters still get worse, The Liquor Trade again must run its

course. But let the strictest penalties enforce A due obedience to Licensing Laws, Which must, if possible, contain no flaws; But supervise alike with equal zeal,. The subject’s freedom, and the public weal. All honour be to those devoted few

Who drink no wine or spirits, with the

view Of good example, or who really think That it is wrong even moderately to drink.

But wliat of those.who do in judgment sit, And lay down laws as if from Holy Writ 1 Who shudder if in church they chance to

see A grocer, who sells wine as well as tea ? Who think the pastor must be far astray, In whose church brewers are allowed to

pray. Those who with vile intemperate tongues

abuse Our worthiest citizens, whose very shoes They are not worthy to untie ; and who Brand all those who drink, or sell, or brew, As “heathen men and publicans.” Yes,

what Of them ? They are a narrow-minded lot Of well-intentioned fanatics, who think

The Scripture should have said, Thou shalt

not drink, And who have made it their peculiar mis-

sion To try and rectify the sad omission ; And by a sudden freak of legislation, Have forced their views on this unhappy

nation ; With what results we see, alas, to-day,

And for our folly now must dearly pay. But having seen both the effect and cause, Would now return to our old Liquor Laws. None but some bigots the new code defend, And with one voice we now would seek its

end. Are you unanimous, my friends, in this

opinion 1 (Cries of “ All, all,” and great cheering) Then these restrictive laws shall have but short dominion.

Scene 111. — New Chum and Old Identity. O. I. —Once more has common sense resumed its sway, And each hotel keeps open bar to-day. Again, the grocer issues wine and beer To those who ne’er in public-house appear. But ’twill be long before we see effaced The dire results that can be plainly traced To these reformers, who, like fools, did try To stop demand by cutting off supply. JSf. C. —There is one point I fain would understand : How came those fanatics to rule the land ? O. I. —A curious fact, there cannot be a doubt; But this, I think, is how it came about : All must admit, even publicans and such, That from the day when Noah took too much, Down to the present moment of our time, Much of the misery, disease, and crime, Which stain our world, have been the dire effect Of the abuse of alcohol. In this respect All are agreed. And when some years ago Teetotallers tried at first to overthrow Our drinking customs, good men wished them well; For at that time they were content to tell Their doctrines mildly. Bidding those refrain That drank but little, that they might obtain An influence over those who were inclined To drink too much. Their efforts, then confined To good example and to moral force, Commanded great respect, and were the source Of much improvement, which became so clear That even those who liked their drop of beer, Supported, passively, the Temperance cause. And now when this new school would alter laws, And rule by force, instead of moral suasion, The public failed to rise to the occasion. For moderate drinkers soon got used to smile When rabid Templars would their class revile. Anri let them rail; all reason being vain

To penetrate these skulls with water on the

brain. _ZVI C. —Whatever caused this apathy, ’tis plain These Hydrocephalists will not again Have any chance to lay down liquor laws, This late fiasco having swamped their cause. For now ’tis preached by each denomina-

tion, “ The greatest virtue lies in moderation.” O. J. —Last night I heard a song, or, rather, rhyme, Which, in its “ doggerel,” shows the spirit of the time.

Song: In our Fathers’ time, it was no sign Of moral degradation, To keep in the house a bottle of wine For use on a state occasion. Or if they kept a cask of beer, For drinking to their dinners, Good folks in that saw nothing queer, Nor looked on them as sinners. And in these days, when friends dropped in A social hour to pass, They never thought it was a sin To take a parting glass. And even when the Parson came, He took his glass of sherry, For honest man, he thought no shame To be both wise and merry. But in this hypocritical time, Each man who drink’s a sinner ; And being drunk an equal crime To taking a “ beer” at dinner.

And when the clergy don’t incline To join this blatant band, As “ tippling parsons” they malign The noblest in the land. But when the Templars got their way, And made laws for the nation, The people rued the fatal day In grief and indignation. In doing good, be bold and brave, Whate’er our age or station, But steadfast let our banner wave : “ All things in moderation.” Paul Ward.