AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 23 June 1915, Page 7

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Proof .-?-" And are,, the <li.-r>. ~ laws so very liberal in y-pnr sect en?" .. "Liberal j- Say f -They ar< -o liberal that nobody ever heard or ■„ wonim crying at a wedding out tWe " :.■'.• ■ • ■ • Not That Kind.—"How -. , 3 - it that you didn't name your baby Woodrow Wilson when yon told me that was your intention?" "We named it Mary Jane."

Vain, liml«ml.—Hostess: "I gometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anything vainer than . you authors about the things you write." Highbrow: "There is, madam; our efforts to sell them.'*

• • » • * Twe Faults.—« The only trouble with my speech," said the remorseful man, "is that I didn't know when to stop." "It's worse than that," replied Mr Growcher. "The trouble is you didn't know when not to begin."

*wful Threat.—Parson Johnson: "De contribution dis morning will be fo> de purpose ob making up de deficit in your pastor's salary! De choir will now sing, and will continue to sing, unti) de full amount am collected 1"

Appreciation.—The Governor's wife «as telling Bridget about her husband. "My husband, Bridget," she said, proudly, "i s a t the head of the State militia.5'

''Oi fought as much, ma'am," said Bridget, cheerfully. . "Ain't he got ta' foine malicious look?"

His Preference.—"How will you have your eggs cooked?1' asked the waiter. "Make any difference in the cost of 'em?" inquired the cautious customer with the brimless hat^nd the ragged beard.

"No."

Then cook them on the top of a slice of ham." * • > ■ _ _

No Precedent far That "Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah," said the colored minister. ;

"Yaas,, Ab wuz."

"Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout • turnin' de odder cheek?"

"Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got one."

No Overhead Charges.—"So you wish to marry my daughter, do you, Mr. Squiggles?" said Colonel Hinksley. "Yes," said Squiggles, "I do/"

"Can you meet the obligations of married life?" demanded the cautious

parent,

"Why, yes—l think so, Colonel,* said Squiggles. "Maude tells me sli hasn't any relatives anywhere."

Betrayed.—Peals of laughter cam© from the president's room as the secretary stepped out.

"Mr, Green is too busy to see yon at present," said the secretary, *po-

"I'm sorry,"-said the man who called on business. "Will you go back and tell Mr. Green that I've got two stories just as good as the one he's heard, if he'll let me in to tell them?"

At That, She Was Right.—Jenkins, the proprietor of the store, was sorely perplexed, as business for some time past had been very poor. what he longed for most was a, well-to-do purchaser, who would expend enough money in his place to tide the business over until the spring rush commenced. His heart was gladdened at the sight of a richly-dressed old woman entering liis store, and he hastened forward to greet her.

"I would like to make many purchases," said the old lady, as Jenkins made his most profound bow and put forth his grandest manner. "I have many gifts to make, and as I have plenty of money and am getting along in years, I want to remember some of my friends with things that they most need. I shall take up a great deal of your time, but I think it will be worth your while."

"I am most happy to serre you," beamed Jenkins, abnost overcome by the prospect of large purchases.

The old lady was hard to please, but Jenkins put in the next few hours to the best advantage, and succeeded in disposing of a number of otherwise unsaleable articles, and the goodly sum to which the sales amounted fully repaiii him for his efforts. The old lady remarked that she wan well satisfied with the service, and would return at a later date and give him a larger order.- After giving him minute instructions as to the delivery of the various articles purchased, she asked:

"What is my bill? If you will gi* me a blank cheque, I will settle wick you now.".

Jenkins hastened to total the amount of sales. "Fifteen hundred and sixtythree dollars," he beamed.

"Even?" asked tho old !auy, as sh^ proceeded to write tfi's? cheque.

Jenkins's attention was attracted af this moment to two-uniformed figure' who were cautiously peering into thd store window. One of the men wore a black cap, on which was marked in red letters T'Guard." The other was dressed in the uniform of the city's police force The two stepped quietly into the store, and the guard, pointing at the erstwhile pleased customer, nodded to his companion, and, approaching the old lady, said, kindly enough:

"Now, auntie, that you have finished your shopping, we've come to take you home."

"All right," answered the old lady, cheerily, as she accompanied the men.

Jenkins, looked at the cheque he held is his hand. It read, "Fifteen hundred and sixty-three dollars and no sense." 281