American Humour.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 21 May 1913, Page 7

American Humour.

Keen Cut.— -"Would you marry him if you were me?" "I'd marry any one that asked me, if I were you." ".",_.

'-•»■■ ♦ .:*■•■ • # -. ♦. - • Up-to-date.— -."Are you interested m contemporary history ?" "Not much. I am more interested

in what is g.oihg on now."

The Hero—First Critic: "I unde*. stand you saw Scribbler's new comedy last night/ Who played the hero?" Second Critic: "I did. I sat thrtragfr the whole thing." ' * * ' # •• • Free.—A negro preacher, alluding t« the stoiy of Daniel in the lion's den, said: "There "he sat all night long, looking at the show, and it didn't coat him a cent." _. * * ' ♦, * • Time Enough.—Voice (over pKone): "Oh, doctor, our baT>y has swallowed a coffee-spoon. Come quickly." M.D.: "Don't worry. He will Hv» until I get there." * * * # >• Success Assured—Chicago has a school for brides. If it. guarantees every graduate a position, it is bound to become the most popular institution of learning- in the country. *****

Solicitous.—Elderly Lady: "My dear, I have just put you down in my will for £5000."

Her Neice: "Oh, auntie, what can I say to thank you? How are you feeling to-day P' * * ♦ * * She Knew —"Jack and I have parted forever." "Good gracious! What does that mean ?" "Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour." ***** Unappreciative.— She: "I have made a water colour drawing and hung it up in your study to hide the stain in the wallpaper." ; He: "But, darling, I never complained about that stain." * * * # * Exactly. —Hoax: "I thought you said he was a settlement worker.'. Joax: " He is." Hoax: "Why, he 'fills me he's i bill collector." Joax: "Weir?" *■* * * m Another Dog.— Griggs: 'Lost money in that stock deal, did you? Say, let me give you a pointer." . Briggs: "No, you don't. No more pointers for me. What I'm looking for. now is a retriever." •■♦ * ♦ * In Luck.— "The codfish," said the professor. "biys moro than a million eggs'." "It is mighty lucky for the codfish that she doesn't have to cackle over every egg," said a student who came from a farm. A Tear SpiHer.— "WhaV"3 0 you do when you forget your.lines?" "I just repeat the multiplication table in a muffled voice," said the emotional actress. "I had the house in tears the other night over nine time s nine are eighty-one.". * * i * *- * Hard on Wagner.—"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox.

"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. "Yes."

. "Then I guess its one of them.". * * * # * Ablaze.—"l'm fired with such love for her that -it seems to consume me. There is such an ardent flame within me that I would die for her. I burn with a fervour so profound " . "Great heavens, man! You'll make her think she's taking stock in a crematory!"1 » • # * * . Our System.—-"What is meant by graft?" said the inqui ing foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologise constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain how'they got it."

Against the Law.—Tins hit at the lawyer comes from Ohio—

"Did youse git anything?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal emerged from the window.

"Naw, de bloke wot live s here is a lawyer," replied the other in disgust.

"Dats bad luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"

Smart Boy.—-"You are an honest boy," said the lady/ as she opened the roll of five one-dollar b-'lls. "but the money I lost was a five-dollar bill. Didn't you see that in the advertisement?"

"Yessim," replied the boy. was a five-dollar bill that I found, but I had it changed so that you could pay me a reward."

Bringing 'Em Up-to-date.—A Washington photographer had given more than usual attention to the case of a young woman in that town, and he thought that he had turned out an exceptionally good lot of photos of her. To his great surprise, therefore, h* received a call from her some ten days later, when' she returned the pictures.

The,, phot.ographer wag in despair. ''"What!" he: exclaimed. "Bringing them all ,back?"

The young woman smilfed sweetly. "Oh, they're perfectly satisfactory,* 1 she explained, c'a s pictures. < Indeed, they're most successful. I only -want you to touch out the ring. I've got a n«w young man.'* . 173