NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 23, 22 March 1918, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

BATH NIGHT !

“When I was workin’ at that big ’onsc,” said the bricklayer, jerking liis thumb sideways, "I saw a round, shallow sort o’ basin on top of a short post, and I have been wondering ever since what it was.” “Where was it?” the carpenter asked. “Right out in the middle of th« lawn.” “And don’t you know what that was ?” “Well, I’ll tell you. It was a bird bath.” “Garn !•” "It’s the truth.” “I don’t believe it.” “Why?” “Because I don’t believe th-Te is r bird on earth that can tell Saturday night from any other time.” A DIFFICULTY SOLVED. The old professor was deeply worried, and at last confided in an old friend. "My iFife and I can’t agree about the name of our little daughter. 1 should like to give her a scientific name, as I’ve made my mark in that direction. I wanted to call her Radio Tellurium, but the wife won’t hear of it.” “Rather a mouthful that,” said the friend. “You can give her a scientific name, and one that will he pretty, too. Why not call her Violet Ray ’

NOT THERE. MY CHILD !

Tommy had begged bard to come downstairs for a little while nftoi dinner, and at last his mother had consented. ‘‘But remember,, dear,” she said, “you must be a good little hoy, and not say anything about poor Mr. Roadhog’s nose. Ho was in a hac motor accident, and hurt his face. Tommy waited impatiently till his mother sent for him to go to the diningroom. Then he walked in and instantly fixed curious eyes upon Mr, Roadhog’s face. "Mummy, ’’ he said in a very audible whisper, “how could I say anything about his nose ? He hasn’t got one !” Little Gertrude had been' ver? naughty, r.n'l had been severely slapped, first by nurse and then by mother, with a promise of. another dose from father when ho came homo. She oat on the floor, her eyes filled with angry tears. Suddenly she rose with a determined look upon her face and seized her Lat.: “Where are you going ?” asked her mother. “Gut to tell all the family secrets to the neighbours,’’ said the child firmly.

SIGNBOARD COMICALITIES. A clergyman recently gave a lecture on “Fools.” The .tickets of admission were inscribed, “Lecture on Fools. Admit one.” There was a large audience. The following is the notice over e hairdresser’s window in Sunderland “Haircutting and shaving done here while you wait.” An ironmonger’s shop In Sheffield boasts this signboard : “Quart measures, all shapes and all sizes sold here.” Across the window of a Bristol provision merchant’s shop ran the following legend in enamelled letters : “Our prime bacon cannot he beaten.” Unfortunately, one day a letter fell off. Before the dealer had discovered the loss some hundreds of passers-bj had read : “Our prime bacon canuol be eaten.”

EXPLAINING THE QUOTATION,

“Man wants but little here below.’

He wants fj-is meals cooked just right, and composed of the particv.lai things he likes to eat. He wants his clothes kept in perfect order, and tht buttons sewed on. He wants to get up when he gets ready, and h( wants to swear because he misses hie usual morning train to the city. He wants to be cross when he comet home and not have it mentioned. He wants to leave his coat and hat and shoes' just where he happens to take them off when he comes in. He wants his slippers right in a certain place where he can find them without effort. He wants to put the ashes from his cigar in the most convenient place while he smokes. He wants to yawn and go to bed when his wife wants him to go out with her and make a call. He wants everything just as he wants it, and he wants no talk about it.

QUEER PROPOSITION. One miserably inclement night recently a two-wheeled cart that had been taken over locally from a French peasant for Army transport got stuck in the mud, and, as it contained come odds and ends of Government stores, a sentry was detailed to stand guard over it until morning. As it happened, the man selected for the job was a rich (Stockbroker in civil life, and as he stood there shivering in the wet darkness he thought and said many things. Presently, however, he heard "visiting rounds” approaching, and a happy thought struck him. "Sir,” he said to the orderly officer, “how much is this cart and its contents worth ?” "Oh, I don’t know,” was the careless reply, "About a hundred pounds, I should think.” "Good!” cried the sentry. "I’ll come back with you and write out a cheque for a couple of hundred. Then I’ll turn in. I'wouldn’t catch my death of cold for twice that amount.” Visitor (noticing empty cage): "Did your canary die a natural death?” Child : “Ycs’m ; the cat qte him,”