WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 22, 19 March 1918, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE .

ANOTHER VICTIM. “Ah, good morning, Jenkins,” sai l the aged professor as an old friend walked into the laboratory. “I was just hoping you'd drop in. I want your help.” “Oh, certainly, professor. What can I do.” “This is what’s bothering me,” said the old man, producing a sheet of brown paper covered with a quantity of white powder. “My taste has become so vitiated through continually tasting things that I can’t trust it any longer. Would you mind putting a little of this on your tongue and telling me what it tastes like ?” “By all means !” said the other, and placed the powder on his tongue. “Note any effects ?” “No, professor.” “Does it bite the tonga* 7” “No.*” “Is it unpleasant ?” “No ; it’s rather bitter, though.” “Ah, I thought so.” "What is it exactly, professor ?” “I don't quite know. That’s wnat I’m trying to find out. Someone in this district has been poisoning horses with it !”

HALF-TIME I He had shouted himself hoarse all the afternoon at the football match, and in the evening he endeavoured to cure his sore throat at the Red Lion. At two o’clock in the morning he was asleep on the pavement, and discovered there by an astute police officer. “Now then, there ! Wake up ! You can’t sleep here !” The sporting enthusiast roused him* self, rubbed his eyes, and glared straight at the bull’s eye. “Hang it 1” he exclaimed. “ Just our luck ! Our side’s playing against the sun l v

WILL HE ? Little Gertrude had been sent early to bed, but, like most Gertrudes, she was unwilling to go. Just as mother was retiring with the light, a small voice spoke : “Mummy !” "Yea, dear." "Don’t go away yet. I’m not very sleepy.” "Oh, but you must go to sleep. It's quite past the time for little girls to go to sleep.” "No, don’t want to. Sit down and tell me a fairy-tale;’ mummy." , "No, dear, I can’t now. I’ve got several things to do. But II you wait till daddy comes home, I expect he’ll tell us both one.”

NOT HIS FAULT. ■ Some years ago there appeared In a certain town an organ-grinder carrying a placard announcing that, besides having a large family to support, he Jjad “but six months to live.” He reaped a plentiful harvest, and finally disappeared, soon to die of his incurable disease, everyone supposed. ! Four years later one of the native ruisisters met him in a distant city, carrying the same organ and legend. “I saw you with that notice four years ago !” he said sternly. , “Well, it ain’t my fault, is it,” whined the immortal one, "if doctors make mistakes !”

A LARGE CORPORATION. , An old lady, travelling for the first time in a large city, saw a glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, “The Smith Manufacturing Company.” As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew, “Lawsy mercys, Will. I’ve heard tell of Smiths all my life, bnt I: never knew before where they made ’em.’*’ | MIXED. >, Smith had evidently been imbibing freely, for when the commissionaire had called his taxi for him, he was unable to enter. However, the commissionaire helped matters (and Smith) by a hefty push ; but someone had carelessly left open the other door of the taxi, and Smith landed in the road. Rising uncertainly to his feet, he put hie hand in his pocket, drew out some money, and'demanded, “How much ?”

WAS HE DOWNHEARTED. ■ She meant well, the dear duchess, and as she toured the accident ward of the big children’s hospital, she handed out kind words and cheery philosophy to the suSerers. Most of them responded, but one badly battered lad of fourteen listened in silence without even a smile of acknowledgment. “Come, come,” she said, “you mustn’t be so miserable, or you’ll never get well. Look how bright some of the others are. You must cheer up, cheer up !" “No bloomin’ fear !” came the response at last. “I’m jolly well dona with cheering up ! It’s through cheering up that I’m here.” “Nonsense ! Nonsense ! 'A young lad like you mustn’t talk in that dismal way. What on earth do you mean by saying that you’re here through cheering up ?”

“Just what I say. I cheered the wrong football team last Saturday!”