NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 19, 8 March 1918, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

SUPER CARGO. An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic, and being a favourite with the ladies, had been liberally supplied with ■ good things to eat. Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near a stream with a woebegone expression on his face and Eis hands clasped over his bosom.

"Why, what’s the matter, Willie?” she kindly asked, "Haven’t you had enough to eat ?” "Oh, yes’m,” said the boy. I’ve had enough. I feci as though I don’t want all I’ve got.” A GRATEFUL MOMORY. A traveller going to the Pacific Islands was asked by a friend if ho would inquire, while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend’s grandfather, Jeremiah Thompson. "Certainly," said the traveller, and wherever he went he asked for news of the ancestor, but -without avail. One day ho was introduced to a fine old chief (Of advancad ago. "Did you ever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson ?” ho asked. A smile passed over the chief’s face. "Meet him ?” he repeated. “Why, 1 ate him !’’

A PAYING SPECULATION. A shabby old cottage on the outskirts of the village was suddenly transformed by paint and paper into an attractive little house, and a summer resident of the pome, who knew the occupants to be a widow and her ns’er-do-well son, was curious about the change. He inquired about it at the gate.

“Yes,'sir,” replied the old lady, smilingly, “my don’s in work now. Makes good money, ’e does, too. All ’e has to do is to go twice to the circus every day, and put ’is head in the lion’s mouth. The rest of the time ’e ’as to ’eself.”

GRATITUDE. The mild business man was calmly reading his paper in the crowded tram car. In front of him stood a lettle woman hanging by a strap. Her arm was being slowly torn out of her body, her eyes were flashing at him ; but • she constrained herself to silence. Finally, after he had endured it for twenty minutes, he touched her arm and said—“ Madam, you are standing on my foot.” “Oh, ami!” she savagely retorted. “I thought it was a portmanteau.”

HE KEPT THE “LETTER.” A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter — “Have yez any whale ?” “No.” “Have yez any shark ?” “No.” “Have yez any swordfish ?” “No.” “Have yez any jellyfish ?” “No.”

“All right,” said the Irishman. “Then bring me ham and eggs and a beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish.” A BITTER SWEET. A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was very much in evidence

"Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is ! It suggests nothing but checker-berry candy.” “Yes,” replied the bystander, “the kind of candy that has made everybody sick who ever tried to lick it.”

To test the safety of the church steeple a country vicar climbed it with a scaling ladder —a feat requiring no small amount of nerve. He was proud of his achievement, and at a meeting of his parishioners described with a wealth of detail his feelings while aloft. “When I reached the top and saw the huge golden weathercock gleaming in the sunlight, what do you think I did ?” he asked.

An old farmer, who looked the picture of boredom, hazarded, a guess. “You cheated the weathercock,’’ he said.

“What do you mean, sir?” sharply demanded the vicar.

“Why, you did it out of the job of crowing,” the farmer replied.

A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer.

"You affirm that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain on this point, because it ia a very important one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home to.” “You would like to know what meal it was ?”

“Yes, sir ; I should like to know,” replied the counsel, sternly and impressively. “Be sure you tell the truth.”

“Weel, then, it was just oatmeal !”