NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 29, Issue 40, 25 May 1917, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

VERBATIM. The local reporters of a certaic provincial town, having been found fault with for their method of reporting the speeches at 1 the council t meetings, retaliated by giving tin speech of one of the members exactly as it was spoken. When the Councillor looked for his speech next morn ing it read as follows : “The reporters—ought not to—th* reporters ought not to be the onc« to judge of what is important —not to say what should be left out —bui —the members can only judge’of whal is important. As I —as my speechesas the reports—as what I say is reported sometimes, no one —nobodj can understand from the reports—what it is—what I mean. So—il strikes me—it has struck me certain matters—things that appear of no importance—are sometimes left outomitted. The reporters—the papers - points are reported I mean—to mak« a brief statement what the papei thinks of interest is reported.” HAPPY DAY. Bylesby : “I wish you joy, my dear sir. As an old friend' of your father’s, permit me to say that you will always look back on this day as the happiest in your life.” Lamson : “Thank you ; but it is to-morrow I am to be married.” Bylesby : “I quite understand that.’ THE BITER BIT. A Scottish farmer was selling wool one day to a carrier, and after weighing it he went into the house to make out an invoice. When he came back he missed a cheese ( that had been standing on a shell behind the outer door. Glancing at the bag of wool, he observed that it had suddenly increased in size, "Man,” he said to the carrier, ”1 hae clean forgot the weight o’.thai bag. Let’s pit it on the scales anci mair.” The carrier could not well refuse The bag was, of course, found to b< heavier by the weight of the cheoa< inside. A new invoice was made ou( and the crestfallen carrier went off. The farmer’s wife at once missed the cheese, and rushing to the yard, told her husband that some thief had stolen it. “Na, na, Meg,” replied the farmer quietly. "I hae just selt the cheeß< for two shillin’e the pund.”

APPREHENSIVE

Sad-looking stranger, leaning uj against a lamp post at the corner oi the street, to policeman ; “It ifl strange how some days are unlucky y 1

Policeman : “ ’Tie curious. Anything bad happened to you to-day ?’* “Well, it started with finding my watch stopped ; then my razor slipped, and my chin looked like a damaged tomato. Then at breakfast Bobby spilt his milk down my sleeve, and I felt like a rice-pudding. Then as I was rushing up the steps of the station a fellow trod on my umbrella and broke the bottom oS, and I lost my train talking to him ; and then ” but here a watering-cart came quickly round the corner and drenched the dismal stranger from knee downwards. He gazed with a sickly smile, and remarked : “There, what did I tell you ?”. “Better go home and dry yourself,’ remarked the sympathetic policeman. “So I had ; but, mind you, I don't care a ha’p’orth what’s occurred up to now. What makes me all on the shake is what the dickens is going to happen next !” NARROW ESCAPE. An aged negro was crossing-tendei at a spot where an express trail! made quick work of a buggy and its occupants. Naturally he was the chief witness, and the entire cas( hinged upon the energy with which he had displayed his warning signal. A gruelling cross-examination left Rustus unshaken in his story : The night was dark, and he had waved his lantern frantically, but the drivei of the carriage paid no attention to it.

Later the division superintendent called the flagman to his office to compliment him on the steadfastness with which ha stuck to his story.

“You did wonderfully, Rustus," he said. “I was afraid at first you might waver in your testimony/’ “Nosslr, nossir !’’ Rustue exclaimed, “but I done fpared ev’ry minute that ’ere durn lawyer was agwine ter ask me if mah lantern was lit."

General Robert B. Lee, the famous American commander, had a vein of quaint humour. When hostilities in the Civil War wore about to begin an official in great despondency reported to the general that it would require some time for the old flintlock “shooting-irons" of his company to he changed into percussion locks. He was in a dilemma.

"Well,” said the general, at last, "all I can suggest is to -telegraph to Mr. Lincoln to have the war put off for three weeks."

The Heiress ; "One can bo very happy in this world with health and

money.” Her Penniless Wooer : "Then let’s be made one. I have the health and you have the money.”

Mollie : “What do they call a man who goes up in airships ?“ i Arthur : “An aviator, of course.” Mollie : “And what do they call the place where they keep the airships ?” Arthur: "An aviary, of course, silly !”

Neighbour : “I see you advertised for a cook yesterday. Did you get one ?”

Mrs. Wiseman : “I don’t know yet, I can tell better after dinner,”