AS YOU LIKE IT.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 23, Issue 8, 30 January 1912, Page 8

AS YOU LIKE IT.

Taa avenge editor wears no diameadt fas'.c is good enough for him. Why is a man roused oat of his sleep like * silk hat in $ atom ?—Because his nap is . disturbed. The best wav to improve a woman’s lot , is to build a house on it, and-put a good * man in the hpose. ; Rural HosPiTAUTy.-fic" Do take some - more vegetahkn, Mr Jones, for they go tc the pigs anyhow.” Housekeeper : •* 1 regret to say, sir, that . your son and the*cook have eloped.” Rich [ eld party ; " Thunderation. Then we shan't I nave any dinner.” , " John, you are not listening to a word 1 , am saying!” •• Why, my dear Angelina, 1 am all ears !” “ I know you are, and that . makes it all the, more provoking." Irish Driver. —" Share, that is the Cus tom-House, sorr. But it's only the rare av It you’ll be seeing this side. sorr. The , front’s behind.” Sunday-school Teacher (to the bright , , Doy of the class) —” Johnny, how did Elijah die ?” Johnny—'• He didn’t die. He was translated from the original Hebrew.” An unsuccessful vocalist went to the poorhouse, and delighted the inmates with his singing. He said it was a natural thing for him to do, as he’d been singing to pool bouses ever since he began his career. A minister’s son once said to his father --“Pa, St. Paul was a Yankee.” “How to, my son?” "Why, in Romans, Bth chapter, and ißth verse, he says, 'For 1 reckon,' and none but Yankees ever reckon.” " Look here, Pete,” said a darkey to his companion, “don’t staa’ on de railroad.” “Why, Joe?” “ Kase if de cars see dat mouf of youm dey will tink it am de station, in’ run right in.’] Httw to do it. —Some men must have* a quarter of a column to express a well-defined idea when writing for a newspaper, but it is astonishing how Concise they can make an advertisement that costs a shilling a line. Tommy : “ I bought this dog to make money out of him.” Sister’s beau ; "How is ’hat?” Tommy :”I’expect that you will jive me a dime for tying hint' up every rime you come to see my sister. He's awful lavage.” Doctor; “Your blood is deficient in quality, Mr. Jones. What you need is more irog in the system.” Mr. Jones: “That can’t be doctor. I have stepped on at least twenty-two tacks with my bare feet since house-cleaning began.” Wasted Energies. —lt is rot good policy always to take things for granted. After spending an hour at drilling at a safe door in Newark, a burglar was frightened away . The men who frightened him off discovered £ that the safe door had not been locked at all. Cheap Experience. —“ Experience'may be a dear teacher," remarked a minister as 'he contribution-box was returning to hire empty, " but the members of this particulai flock who have experienced religion have | Accomplished it at a trifling cost.” Not Fair.— Mrs. Potts; “Just to think of talking to me in such a style. You. whe used to swear I was an angel.” Mr. Potts. ’’ Look here, my dear, that isn’t fair ; you know it isn’t. What is the use of twitting a man about the lies he told fifteen years ago?" / Inconsistent. —" Will,” said Mrs. Drury ■ to her husband, after his return from a fi§h- 1 ingtrip, “you ought to spend an hour oi * two with the fisherman and get some hints about the different kinds of fish." “ Er—what for ?” demanded Will. ”It looks inconsistent, that’s all, to bring home mackerel when you’ve been fishing up the river.” Tis True, and Pity’tis ’tis True.— , Here is a graphic description of a fishing excursion:—“ Went off Saturday noon foi a half-day of fishing. Returned late at night having walked thirteen miles, lost a /if • watch, sprained my thumb; spoiled a thirty--1 shilling pair of trousers by sitting down on my luncheon, and caught a one-ounce trout.” Consideration for the Cloth. —A circular has been sent to very many America? clergymen by a New York wine-firm, setting forth the merits of its wines and liquors with prices by the case, &c. The end oj the circular reads—” N.B.—To avoid susj. picion, every case sent you will be marked, I ’ Canned peaches.’" * • • ! ' Pals.— On President Lincoln’s first visit to a house of correction, an old criminal, looking through the bars ofhis cell, remarked —“Well, Mr Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons; we’ve seen all there ire in the country. ’ *• Why, this isthe first ne I ever visited,” said Mr Lincoln; to which he criminal promptly responded—" But I’ve een in all the rest!” New at the Business. —A married ■ouple were promenading in the suburbs. Presently the wife said—" Think, Albert, ii the brigands should come now, and take me rom you !” ” Im^ssible! ray dear.” " But -opposing they did come and carry me iway, what would you say?" “I should *ay," 'replied the husband, "that the in; ands were new at the business. That’s dl.” , Rather Warm.— First Lady (behind a all hat at the theatre): “Rather out ol ■tyle, isn’t it ?” Second Lady (in a loud vhisper): " Yes, they were wearing haOi ike that in Paris when I was there twe .ears ago.” "YfeS, I thought it was about hat old. What flimsy material it is made ,)l.” " Horribly cheap. I saw that in a window of a second-hand store marked ’ Lady in front (to companion): “ It’s so A lead fully warm here I shall have to take df my hat.” A New Way of Excruciating a Hus and. — A lady whose husband had a very small foot, of which he was extremely oroud, encouraged his vanity, so that every time lie bought tighter and tighter shoes. ! f was excruciating to him to go about it; hem, but he would not confess it. How n er, when he reached home in the evening tis slippers were such a welcome relief that t was a difficult matter to get him to go out ■flier dinner, From a great club man hf became noted for his domestic habits. Hie vife smiled, but said nothing. Coleridge and the Jew.-— Coleridge ■ ays;—Once I sat in a coach opposite a Jew, symbol of old clothes-bags, an Isaiah cl lofy-well St. He would close the window . d opened it. He closed it again, upon which, : a very solemn tene, I said to him—” Sor ■f Abraham, thou smellest! Son of Isaac, liou art offensive ! Son of Jacob, thou unkest foully ! See the man in the moon ! e is holding his nose at that distance, lost thou think that I, sitting here, can entire it any longer?" My Jew was asonished, opened the window forthwith uimself, and said he was sorry that he did ot know before I was so great a gentleman A StrangeDisease. —A short time since a amber of amateur musicians in a country nvn made an effort to organisean orchestra i hey were successful in procuring all the 'crfonners they desired except an ophicleirie flayer. One of the number finally voluneered to take up the instrument and try to learn it. He had no ophicleide, but, hearing .hat he could probably borrow one from a )oimg man in the place who was thought to one, he met him in the street one day md accosted him with, “ How are yon. Drown ? I heard you had an ophicleide.” Brown looked at him in utter amazement, having probably never heard of such an nstrumenl before, and stammered mu, ■Well, I- -I--was ill about two weeks ago, ■ii 1 don t think I bad that I’*