AS YOU LIKE IT.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 23, Issue 7, 26 January 1912, Page 8

AS YOU LIKE IT.

Tali aveiage editor weans so diamond* fasts is good enough for him. Why is a man roused out of his sleep like i silk hat in @ jsprm ?—Because his nap is disturbed. The best wny to improve a woman’s lot Is to build a aonse on it, and put a goodman in the boose. Rural Hospitality.— Do take some more vegetables, Mr Jones, for they go tc tbe pigs; anyhow." Housekeeper : *• I regret to say, sir, that your son and the cook have eloped.” Rich aid party : " Thunderation. Then we shan't nave any dinner." " John, you are not listening to a word 1 am saying!", "Why, mp dear Angelina, I .am all cars 1” " I know you arc, and that makes it all the more provoking." Irish Driver.—" Shure, that is the Cus tom-House, sorr. But it's only the rare av it you'll be seeing this side. sorr. The front’s behind." I Sunday-school Teacher (to the bright Doy of the class) —" Johnny; how did ( Elijah die ?" Johnny —"He didn’t die. |He was translated from the original Hebrew." I An unsuccessful vocalist went to the poor- ■ house, and delighted the inmates with his tinging. He said it was a natural thing for him to do, as he’d been singing topooi houses ever since he began his career. A minister’s son once said to his father —•‘Pa, St. Paul was a Yankee." " How <o, my son?” “Why, in Romans, 8 th' chapter, and xßth verse, he says, 'For 1 reckon;’ and none but Yankees ever reckon." " Look here, Pete,” said a darkey to his companion, "don’t staa’ onde railroad," "Why, Joe?” "Kase if de cars seedat mouf of yourn dey will tinkit am de station, an’ run right in.” t How to do it. —Some men must have a quarter of a column to express a well-defined Idea when, writing for a newspaper, but it is astonishing how concise they can make an advertisement that costs a shilling a line. Tommy : ” I bought this dog to make money out of him." Sister's beau: " How is ’hat?" Tommy: "I expect that you will sivc me a dime for tying him up every time you come to see my sister. He’s awful lavage/' Doctor: "Your bleed is deficient in quality, Mr. Jones, What you need is more" iron in the system.” Mr. Jones; ”Thaican't be doctor. I have stepped on at least twenty-two tacks with my bare feet since house-cleaning began." Wasted Energies.— lt is notgood policy always to take things for granted. Aftei (pending an hour at drilling at a safe doot in Newark, a burglar was frightened away The men who frightened him off discovered that the safe door had not been locked at all. Cheap Experience.— " Experience may be a dear teacher," remarked a minister as'be contribution-box was returning to him ■ cn|pty , " but the members of this particnlat fleck who have experienced religion have accomplished it at a trifling cost.” f Not Fair. —Mrs. Potts: "Just to. think of talking to me in such a style. You; whe used to swear I wasWi angel.” Mr. Potts. “Look here, my dear, that isn’t fair ; yon know it isn’t. What is the use of twitting a man about tbe lies he told fifteen yean ago?” Inconsistent. —” Will,” said Mrs. Drurj to her husband, after hie return from a fishing trip, “ you ought to spend an hour- oi two with the fisherman and get some hint: about the different kinds offish.” ”Er—what for ?” demanded Will. It looks inconsistent, that’sall, to bring home mackerel, when-you’ve been fishing up the river.” Tis True, and Pity’tis ’tis True.— Here is a graphic description of a fishing excursion : —" Went off Saturday noon foi a half-day of fishing. Returned late at night having walked thirteen miles, lost a- * watch, sprained my thumb, spoiled a thirtyshilling pair of trousers by sitting down on my luncheon, and caught a one-ounce trout.” Consideration for the Cloth. — A circular has been sent to very many Americas clergymen by a New York wine-firm, setting forth the merits of its wines and liquors with prices by the case, &c. The end oi the circular reads—" N.B.—To avoid suspicion, every case sent you will be marked, 1 Canned peaches.’ ” Pals. —On President Lincoln’s first visit to a house of correction, an old criminal, looking through the bars of his cell, remarked 1 —"Well, Mr Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons: we’ve seen all there ire in the country. - * *• Why, this is'the first pel ever visited,” said Mr Lincoln; to which he criminal promptly responded—“ But I’ve een in all the rest 1” New at the Business.— A married ■onple were promenading in the suburbs. °rcsently the wife said—“ Think, Albert, i) :he brigands should come now, and take me •rom you 1” " Impossible 1 my dear.” " But opposing they did come and carry me i\vay, what would you say ?” " I should •ay,” replied the husband, “that the .iru ands were new at the business. That’s Rather Warm.- —First Lady (behind a all hat at - the theatre) ; “Rather out otyle, isn’t it?” Second Lady (in aloud 'hisper); “ Yes, they were wearing hats ke that in Pane when I was there twi ears ago.” " Yts, 1 thought it was about hat old. - What flimsy material it is made jf.” "Horribly cheap. I saw - that in a window of a second-hand store marked " Lady in front (to companion): "It’s sodtcacl r ully warm here I shall have to take iff my hat." • A New Way of Excruciating a Hus ■ and.—A lady whose husband had a very i-mall foot, of which he was extremely proud, encouraged his vanity, so that every time he bought tighter and tighter shoes. r t was excruciating to him to go about.in .hem, but he would not confess it. How ;ver, when he reached home in the evening iis slippers were such a welcome relief tha! t was a difficult matter to get him to go out her dinner. From a great club man hr ecame noted for his domestic’habits. Hi: ■rife. smiled, but said nothing. Coleridge and the Jew. —Coleridge ays;—Once I sat in a coach opposite a jew . symbol of old clothes-bags, an Isaiah c; loly-well St. He would close the windowopened it. He closed it again, upon which, a a- very solemn tene, I said to him—"So: ■f Abraham,• thou smellest! . Son of Isaac, hou art offensive 1 Son of Jacob, thou tinkest foully 1 See the man in the moon! e is holding his nose at that distance, 'ost thou thipk that I, sitting here, can entire it any longer?" My Jew was, As-, onished, opened the window forthwith limself, and said he was sorry that he did A know before I was sogreat a gentleman. . A Strange Disease. —A short time since a amber of amateur musicians in a country >wn made an effort to organise an orchestra , hey were successful in procuring all ihe ■erformers they desired except an ophicleide layer. One of the number finally volunr ;ered to take up the instrument and try to ’earn it. He had no ophicleide, but, hearing hat lie could probably borrow one from a ,-oung man in the place who was thought hi, wn one, he met him in the street one dav .nd accosted him with, " How are you Urown ? I heard you had an ophicleide" ■frown looked at him in utter amazement, •aving probably never heard of such an •strument before, and stammered out, •Well, f- -I—was ill about two weeks ago. <t (don’t think \ had that I" •*«««>"

AN UNEXPECTED ANSWER A ll was silence and attention In the dim and crowded court. And the magistrate, the bench oOs Waited for the long report. The policeman, tall and surly, With a pair of monstrous feat. Told of awful hurly-burly That had happened on his bent. How the prisoner it a passion, Mad with rum, had blocked the way. Filled the tide of wealth and fashion With a measureless dismay. And the prisoner, still dirt-haunted, Worn and torn, and dark with grime, Heard with aspect all undaunted, Heard the story of his crime. Then, bis grimy bands upraising, , In a passion wild and free, Thus he cried, '* Oh, talk amazing I Powers of truth, can such things be i " Oh, h ym tong shall Ibe harried By th* wicked of the land ? By the troubled waters carried. Coldly thrust from hand to hand? Oh, how long ?" and through the quiet Of the police-court’s darkened maze. Came the stern judicial fiat— Came the answer, " Thirty days I FACTS. The Czar of Russia has issued an edict .orbidding applause in Russian theatres. It is stated that no other country in Europe has so many bathing places on tho .ea-coast as England. The largest grape vine in the world is said .o be growing at Oys, Portugal, and haa been bearing since 1802. It is said that nearly two-thirds of the crime in London is perpetrated between % p.m. on Saturdays and 9 a.m. on Mondays. An express going from London to Liver pool, a distance of 210} miles, will throw out 213,048 puffs before arriving at its destination. The locomotive of an express train from London to Edinburgh will give 123,456 puffs; / At a gymnasium in Paris it is no uncommon circumstance to see elderly ladies in gymnastic costume exercising on the parallel bars; swings, mechanical horses, etc. Physicians recommend these exercises as a cure for indigestion, and even rheumatism. In some parts of the island of Samos men’s names are common amongst the women, for, if a baby girl is bom immediately after the death of a brother, it is supposed that the spirit had simply been trans ferred from one child to the other, and the newcomer is condemned to lake the same baptismal name. , In one mile of single-line permanent way on a first class English railway, such as’the Great Northern, there are the following quantities of materials 3,520 yards of steel rails, 2,112 fir sleepers, 352 cast-iron joint chairs, 3,872 intermediate chairs, 704 steel fish-plates, 1,408 bolts, nuts, and washers; 3,872 compressed fir keys, 8,448 wroughtiron cup-headed spikes'six inches long. ALL SORTS. AND CONDITIONS OF MEN AND WOMEN. The Queen of Saxony maintains three physicians, whose sole duty is to attend the ailments of the suffering poor. A second Rosa Bonheur is Mdlle. Louisa Abbema, one of the best-known French lady artists of the day. Not that Mdlle. Abemma has as, yet reached the eminence of Rosa .ionheur, or even given proof of, the genius requisite to attain that position She resemblesj > however, 1 Rosa Bonheur in that she dresses in masculine attin, smokes when at her easel, and covets tluf honour of the Red Ribbon already possessed by her famous rival. Mrs. Fenwick Miller, a journalist and ecturer. was lately asked 1 by a eorrasponlent whether she really thought that women :ould, if they liked, do all that men can do. she replied as follows:-'-" Speaking for myself, 1 there is at least one thing that many men have done, and now do, which I know I should never have the courage to' do. I have studied medicine, contebtad elections, written political leaders—all like a man; bnt though 1 have never yet in my life worn on my headatressof hair which had not grown there, I am sure I never, never should have the courage to go about with a bald head." Mr. Gladstone’s post-bag is an interesting receptacle in the ordinary course of every day, even when the political season is as dull as ditch-water. There is generally a fair share of letters of abuse, threatening letters, fierce objurgations, and insane proposals. But there are also out-pourings of the hero-worshipper in every form known to book, letter, and parcel post. One sendsan axe of his own make, another a fiddle; here is a rhapsodical poem on a quire of foolscap, there a political address illuminated on vellum. Editors write for " copy,” authors for puffs, pachyderms for autographs, and dozens of other people simply because a great name to them is like a candleflame to the moth—they must dash their silly wings nto it somehow. Women write to him a ;reat deal, and when he was in office there was seldom a day passed in which he did aot receive letters from unfortunate girls idling pitiful stories and appealing to him for issistance. Altogether, it is perhaps the siost incongruous medley of the important ind frivolous that has overcome together in he correspondence of a single man. BREVITIES FOR THE WISE. The cheek speaks quicker than the tongue. Three may keep a secret if two of them wo dead. Hedges have no eyes, but they have ears, i A talkative fellow is like a drum, which beats a wise man out of his wits. Do you wish men to speak well of you? Commend not then yourself. The less men think, the more they talk: Think much, say little, write less. He who says what he likes; must hear what he does not like. An angry man opens bis mouth and shuts up his eyes. Too much scratching smarts, too much talking harms. Drop the jest when H Ca most amusing He who sows thorns shoulPnot go barefoot. What yon dislike in anohier take care to correct in yourself. If you nave no arrows 1* your quiver, do not go with archers. . Nothing can come out ot 4 sack bat what Is in it. He who knows the road can nde full trot. At a dangerous passage yield precedence. In a calm sea every m( a is a pilot. Tired folks are quarrelsome. " Wait "Isa hard word to tho hungry. An empty purse fills thefacewith wrinkles, A greedy mill grinds all kinds of corn. The devil is not always at one door. He thsi swells in prosperity will be sure Va shrink in adversity. Behaviouris a mirror In which every one shows his image. Fortune tarns faster than a mill wheel. They at the top to-day may be at the bottom to-morrow. In diving to the bottom for pleasures we bring np more gravel than pearls. Pleasure can Be supported by illusion, but happiness rests upon truth. The reputation of a man Is like Ms shadow —gigantic when it precedes, and pigmy in ts proportions when it follows.