AS YOU LIKE IT.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 22, Issue 66, 25 August 1911, Page 8

AS YOU LIKE IT.

Dim’r always judge by external appear xnces. Af, unpaid wash bill will make one’* pocket bulge out as much as a £IOO note. Ticket Collector (tovery seedy-looking ndividnal just getting into first-class carriage: " First-class, sir?” Seedy passenger [gaily): " Yes, thanks. How’s yoursei: /” Georg r:; " How is your suit with Miss lie I’ink pro ■"■■mg Jack: " Finely. When I r:.li now her dog wags its tail.” Before election the candidate finds your button-hole almost as useful a thing to hang on as he afterwards finds the pigeon-hole into which he stows your requests. " Hypnotism is a great thing. _ I can hypnotise anyone, and what I desire the subject to do he does." " Look here, professor," said a little tailor in the audience, ” I’ll give yon 10 per cent on all tlie money you can hypnotize out Or my customers." Salve — Sweet creature : " Have you anything nice you can recommend me to pa! on my lips ?"—Smart store salesman (repeating) ; " Lips madam ?" [But it sounded so like an answer that she blushed ]

*• Father Denis : " Mrs. Mulroony. I hear very serious accounts of the new epidemic; I 1111st your son has not taken it." —Mrs Mulroony : " Not he, sir! He wouldn't take anything that didn't belong to him. An bonester boy never broke bread."

Almost Incredible Simplicitv— London :ousin; "I'll tell you what!—we will go shopping.’’—Country cousin: "But I don't want (o buy anything!"—London cousin: "My dear! how ridiculous, that’s just where the pleasure comes in! "

Distressed young mother, travelling with weeping infant: " Dear, dear, I don’t know ,vhal to do with thisbaby.” Kind and thoughtful bachelor in next seat: " Madam, shall I open the window for you ?" Young Lady : ”Is this seat engaged, sir?"

Freshy: " No, miss ;it is like myself, disengaged ” Young Lady : " Oh. then, it should be sat

" Should women make love ?" In the name of Dan Cupid, Why should not the dears, if they like, any day ? Is there one spot'on earth where a man,

the •* great stupid ! ” Is able to make it as sweetly as they ?

No Horse Sense.—Nellie (sympathelirally) : " You poor dear—what a narrow escape 1 And what startled the horse ?" Gussie (indignantly): "Well, you know, Will was-just helping me out of the trap, and the stupid horse could not tell the difference between a good-night kiss and a signal to start, and he just started. Some horses have so little sense." tied these two rockets to his handkerchief, and filled his pockets with squibs and crackers and things.” [Applies match*and retires.] — Pater : “ Nonsense, Maria I Hooray 1 the guy will soon be burned to smithereens! Do you know, dear, there's something contagious in the gaiety of children. I feel quite elevated I’’ [Finishes sentence in mid-air. Alarms, excursions.]

“ Your father refuses to consent to our union ?”

“ He does, Harold." “ Nothing seems to be left for us, then, except elopement 1 Do you think, Myrtle," said the young man, swallowing a sob, " that you could leave this luxurious home, forfeit all the enjoyments of wealth, banish yourself for ever from your parents’ hearts, and with a poor young man enter a home ol life-long poverty ?" " I think I could, Harold." “Then you are not the practical girl I have always taken you to be," said Harold, with deep dejection, 'as he rose up wearily and reached for his hat.

War Averted.— " If you jab that umbrella in my eye again, as you have done twice already,” said the man in the brown overcoat fiercely, "you’ll get a broken nead 1”

"It’s as much your fault as mine," retorted the man in the grey ulster. "If you want to kick up any fuss about it just begin. I’m insured for £5 a week in the Self-Pro-tective Mutual Association, and I’m aching for a broken head.” The man in the brown overcoat looked fixedly at the other. Evidences of a severe mental conflict were visible in his face. At last he spoke. “ You’re safe," he said, “ I’m an agent fot chat company.