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Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 22, Issue 29, 14 April 1911, Page 2

‘"Dominie,” said a long-suffering elder one day, “I wish you: would preach shorter sermons.” “Shorter sermons ?” was the reply. “Why, I am commanded to give the people the sincere milk of the Word.” “That’s all right,” said the elder, “but these are the days of condensed; milk,” ’ ; A distinguished foreigner visiting Epsom Downs in Thackeray’s company noticed many men dressed as sailors who were not, to native and experienced eyes, the real article. “Ah,” said the visitor, “these are, 1 . I suppose, what you call the British tars ?” “Oh, no,” replied Thackeray. ‘"Only Epsom salts.” A student given to highfalutin phrases wrote an essay and handed it to his teacher. When he had examined it the teacher called the pupil to him. “If you would only pluck a few feathers from the wings of your imagination,” he told him, “and stick them into the . tail of your gudgment you would wjjite a good deal better !” At a certain General Post Office, amongst contractions in general use were “Aux.” and “Asst.,” for auxiliary and assistant postmen respectively. A rural postmaster, in' submitting his regular report to the head office, wrote as follows “Dear Sir,—l beg to report that the ox has returned to duty, a nd the ass has now gone on leave.” “I want to look at some canes, and I’m in a deuce of a hurry,” said the young swell to the shopkeeper. ‘‘Certainly, sir ; one moment, please. James, are you serving ?” “No, sir,” responded the assistant thus called to. “Then show this gentleman some hurricanes,”