SOME IRISH BULLS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 20, Issue 70, 3 September 1909, Page 5

SOME IRISH BULLS.

Sir Richard Steele, that famous Irish knight of cleverness and wit, once invited an English nobleman to visit him by saying, “If, sir. you ever come within, a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there !” ! It was this same Sir Richard that, on being asked why his countrymen made so many bulls, replied, “I can- ( not tell if it is not the effect of the climate. I fancy if an Englishman was born in Ireland, he would | make as many,” An Irishman who married at nineteen repented of his choice and swore that he would not get married so young again if he lived to be as old as Methuselah, “Oh. don’t be unaisy, sir,” cried the Irish assistant. “Sure 1 must have taken it out to open the hogshead !” “Whiniver anyone’s asked me what counthry I loike best, I’ve always toild him Oirland,” said a sturdy labourer. “But,” he added, “no one’s iver asked me yit.” MACE TAY WITH IT. The Irish porter ofVa Dublin grocer was accused of stealing chocolate. In court his master charged him with selling it, thus wounding his pride. “Indade, sir,” he said, “do you think I’d have sold it ?” “Then what did you do with it ?” was asked. “Since you must know, I took it home, and me an’ my ould ’oman made tay of it.” A salesman in the old country recommended a certain rich material by saying, “Madam, it will wear for ever and make a petticoat afterwards.” Two members of the Bar, Doyle and Yelverton. quarrelled and came to blows. Doyle knocked Yelverton down twice and esclajmed, “You scoundrel, I’ll make yo behave yourself like "a gentleman !" At this the other rose, screaming, “No, sir, never ! I defy you, I defy you ! You could not do it !” HER WOODEN-HEADED SON.

A proud maternal heart declared that there was never such another as her son Bill, who had made two chairs and a fiddle out of his own head and had wood enough left to make one more. “I will never spake to you more !’’ declared a lover, furiously. " Kape your spake to yourself then !'•’ retorted the girl. “I am sure i cau live without either it or your company.” ‘‘l am sure so can 1, then !" came the surprising answer. An Irish carpenter sent in a bill for “hanging two barndoors and himself, seven hours, ten and six." A young woman admitted that she liked her lover very much, but said she was the darling of a‘ widowed mother whose kindness could not be equalled. "Marry me,’’ begged .the enthusiastic lover, “and see it I don't beat your mother !’’ "As I was going over the bridge the other day,’’ said a s®n of Erin, “I met Michael Connolly. “ ‘ Connolly,' says 1, ’ how are yon ?’ “ ’Pretty well, thank you, Keefe,’ says he. “ ‘*Kee!e ! ’ says I, ‘ that's not my name !' “ ’ Faith,’ says he, ‘ and mine's not Connolly !' ” With that we looked again at aich other, and sure enough it was nayther of us." TWO FOR THE DOCTORS. Physicians in the old country sometimes administered fearlul doses of medicines. Witness the effect on the Irishman that said he took so many drugs that he was sick a long time ! after he got well. I An Irish peasant was floundering through a bog on a small ragged pony. In its efforts to push on, the animal got one of its feet entangled in the stirrup. “Arrah, my boy !" exclaimed the rider. “If you are going to get up, it’s time for me to get down." A left-handed maid servant, with the habit of her peculiarity, reversed the order of the knives and forks on the dinner table. Her master, observing the mistake, reproved her. “Ah, true, indeed, sir," said she, “and now would you he pleased to help me turn the table ?" “Oyez ! Oyez !” exclaimed a bellringer in Cork. “Lost somewhere between twelve o'clock and McKinney’s store on Market Street, a lai'ge 1 brass key. I’ll not hA after tellin' yez what it is ; but it’s the key of the hank, sure." One of Dryden’s plays was condemned by the severity of the Duke of Buckingham's witticism on the line, “My wound is great because it is so small," to Which the Duke drily replied, “Then 't would he greater were it none at all.” Kelly, a stage manager in Sheridan's time at Drury Lane, once fell through a trap door and broke his leg. When picked up, he remarked that it was well he had not been killed ; tor Sheridan would then have had to keep him for life. An Englishman was writing a let-, ter ip a coffee house, and perceiving that an Irishman, stationed behind him, was reading over his shoulder, saw tit to reprove the Hibernian. He concluded writing his letter • in these words. "I would say more ; but a damned tall Irishman is reading over my' shoulder every word I write." "But I wasn’t reading !’’ said the self-convicted Hibernian. I A medical student, who was asked | what progress he had made in his , profession, replied. "1 hope soon to j bo qualified to he a physician ; for 1 j think 1 am now able to cure a child." ) NOT WIND ENOUGH FOR BOTH. | A miller, who found that a rival in trade was about to set up a windmill beside, his, tried to dissuade him by the remark. "You see. there -

is not wind enougn to move on* windmill, let alone two.” It was Sir Boyle Roche, famed for his frequent use of bulls, who once declared, “Mr. Speaker, I do not see why we should put ourselves out of the way for posterity. What has posterity* done for us ?” On another occasion, he said, '* I am willing to give up not a part, hut the whole, of the Constitution, to preserve the remainder.” A ridiculous reply was made by the young man who realised the embarrassment of meeting a girl by appointment. “Suppose, my dear Madam,” he said to the one that performed the part of go-between for the young couple, “you could manage it so as to let- us meet at your house without either of us being aware that the other was present.” An Irishman, having challenged a man to fight a duel, who somehow forgot to keep the appointment, met his antagonist the same day and said, “Well, sir, I met you this morning ; but you did not come. However, I am determined to meet you to-morrow morning whether you coma or not !” MAKING EARLY BREAKS. The autobiography of a celebrated Irishman contains the surprising astion that he “ran away early in life from his, father, on discovering he was only his uncle.” An Irish lad, complaining of the harsh behaviour of hie father, declared that he treated him “as if he 1 was his son by another father and mother.” An apprentice sailor boy fell frorp the round top to the deck, stunuedi but little hurt. The Captain exclaimed in surprise, “Why, when did you come from?” -"From thf north of Ireland, yer honour,” was the prompt reply, as the poor fellow gathered himself up.