AS YOU LIKE IT.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 18, Issue 41, 21 May 1907, Page 3

AS YOU LIKE IT.

Thx average editor wears ao diamonds Paste is good enough for him. Why is a man roused out of his sleep like t silk hat in a storm ?—Because his nap if disturbed. The best way to Improve a woman's lot is to build a house on it, and put a good man in the house. Rural Hospitality,—" Do take some more vegetables, Mr Jones, for they go to the pigs anyhow." Housekeeper : " I regret to say, sir, that your son and the cook have eloped." Rid" old party : " Thunderation. Then we shan't have any dinner." " John, you are not listening to a word I am saying 1" » Why, my dear Angelina, I am all ears!" "I know you are, and thai makes it all the more provoking." Irish Driver.—" Shure, that is the Cus tom-House, sorr. But it's only the rare av it you'll be seeing ifeis side, sorr. The front's behind." Sunday-school Teachw (to the bright boy of the class)—» Johttay, how dk' Elijah die?" Johnny—"He didn't die. He was translated from th» original Hebrew." An unsuccessful vocalist went to Hie poorhouse, and delighted the inmates with his singing. He said it was a natural thing for him to do, as he'd been singing to poor houses ever since he began his career. A minister's son once said to his father —"Pa, St. Paul was a Yankee." "How so, my son?" "Why, in Romans, Bth chapter, and 18th verse, he says, 'For 1 reckon,' and none but Yankees ever reckon." "Look here, Pete," said a darkey to his companion, "don't stan' on de railroad." " Why, Joe ?" " Kase if de cars see dat mouf of yourn dey will tinlt it am de station, an' run right in." How to no it.—Some men must have a quarter of a column to express a well-defined idea when writing for a newspaper, but it is astonishing how concise they can make an advertisement that costs a shilling a line. Tommy : " I bought this dog to make money out of him." Sister's beau: "How is that?" Tommy: "I expect that you will give me a dime for tying him up every time you come to see my sister. He's awful savage." Doctor: "Your blood is deficient in quality, Mr. Jones. What you need is more iron in the system." Mr. Jones: "That can't be doctor. I have stepped on at least twenty-two tacks with my bare feet since house-cleaning began." Wasted Energies.—lt is not good policy always to take things for granted. After spending an hour at drilling at a safe door in Newark, a burglar was frightened away. The men who frightened him off discovered that the safe door had not been locked at all. Cheap Experience.—" Experience may be a dear teacher," remarked a minister as the contribution-box was returning to him empty, " but the members of this particular flock who have experienced religion have accomplished it at a trifling cost." Not Fair.—Mrs. Potts: "Just to think of talking to me in such a style. You, who used to swear I was an angel." Mr. Potts: " Look here, my dear, that isn't fair; you know it isn't. What is the use of twitting a man about the lies he told fifteen years ago?"

Inconsistent.—" Will," said Mrs. Drury to her husband, after his return from a fishing trip, " you ought to spend an hour or two with the fisherman and get some hints about the different kinds of fish." " Er—what for ?" demanded Will. "It looks inconsistent, that's all, to bring home mackerel, when you've been fishing up the river." Tis True, and Pity 'tis 'tis True.—■ Here is a graphic description of a fishing excursion :— *' Went off Saturday noon for a half-day of fishing. Returned late at night, having walked thirteen miles, lost a £ls watch, sprained my thumb, spoiled a thirtyshilling pair of trousers by sitting down on my luncheon, and caught a one-ounce trout." Consideration for the Cloth.—A circular has been sent to very many American clergymen by a New York wine-firm, setting forth the merits of its wines and liquors, with prices by the case, &c. The end of the circular reads—" N.B.—To avoid suspicion, every case sent you will be marked, ' Canned peaches,'"

Pals.—On President Lincoln's first visit to a house of correction, an old criminal, looking through the bars of his cell, remarked —" Well, Mr Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons; we've seen all there are in the country." " Why, this isthe first one I ever visited," said Mr Lincoln; to which the criminal promptly responded—" But I've been in all the rest!" New at the Business.—A married couple were promenading in the suburbs. Presently the wife said—" Think, Albert, if the brigands should come now, and take ma from you !" " Impossible! my dear." " But supposing they did come and carry me away, what would you say ?" "I should say," replied the husband, "that the origands were new at the business. That's all." Rather Warm.—First Lady (behind a tall hat at the theatre) : " Rather out of style, isn't it ?" Second Lady (in a loud whisper): " Yes, they were wearing hats like that in Paris when I was there two years ago." "Yes, I thought it was about that old, What flimsy material it is made of." " Horribly cheap. I saw that in a window of a second-hand store marked--—'• Lady in front (to companion): " It's so dreadfully warm here I shall have to take off my hat." A New Way ok Excruciating a Hus* band.—A lady whose husband had a very small foot, of which he was extremely proud, encouraged his vanity, so that every time he bought tighter and tighter shoes. It was excruciating to him to go about in Shem, but he would not confess it. How* ever, when he reached home in the evening his slippers were such a welcome relief that it was a difficult matter to get him to go out after dinner. From a great club man he became noted for his domestic habits. His wife smiled, but said nothing. Coleridge and the Jew.—Coleridge says:—Once I sat in a coach opposite a Tew, a symbol of old clothes-bags, an Isaiah of Holy-well St. He would close the window; I opened it. He closed it again, upon which, in a very solemn tcne, I said to him—" Son of Abraham, thou smellest! Son of Isaac, thou aat offensive ! Son of Jacob, thou stinkest foully ! See the man in the moon! h.e is holding his nose at that distance. Dost thou think that I, sitting here, can endure it any longer?" My Jew was astonished, opened the window forthwith himself, and said he was sorry that he did not know before I was so great a gentleman, A Strange Disease.- -A short time sincea number of amateur musicians in a country town made an effort to organise an orchestra. They were successful in procuring all the performers they desired except an ophicleide player. One of the number finally volunteered to take up the instrument and try to learn it. He had no ophicleide, but, hearing ftat he could probably borrow one from a young man in the place who was thought to own one, he met him in the street one day and accosted him with, " How are you, Brown? I heard you had an ophicleide." Brown looked at him in utter ama'tement, having probably never heard of Such an instrument before, and stammered out, " Well, I—l—was ill about two weekn ago, , but I don't think I had that]" ~~ "