MR. SPOOPENDYKE BRINGS A FRIEND HOME TO DINNER.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 15, Issue 28, 8 April 1904, Page 2

MR. SPOOPENDYKE BRINGS A FRIEND HOME TO DINNER.

“ Say, my dear,” whispered Mr. Spoopendyke,closing the door carefully and approaching his wife with a broad grin on his visage. “ Say, my dear, Specklewnttle’s downstairs in the parlour. He has come to take dinner with us."

“ Great gracious !” exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, dropping her work and bustlin up to to the glass to arrange her hair. “ What did he come to-day for 7 Don’t he know it's wash day ?’’ ~

“Ho" came for dinnerf” retorted Mr. Spoopendyke, turning pale about the lips. "What d’ye s'pose he oame for ? To' bo washed 7 What’s wash day got to do with it 7 Think the man can be soaked in a tub and hung over the clothes line with a measly wooden pin astride the small of his back 7 Well, he didn’t; he came for grub, and you want to bustle around and get it pretty lively for him, or I’ll begin to serve up things myself before long I" “ But,”my dear,” remonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke. “ There’s" nothing in.the house! The clothes ” Then serve up the clothes,” roared Mr. Spoopendyke, who had utterly forgotten the day of the week when be invited his friend, and now wanted his wife to get him out of the scrape somehow, and at the seme time not let him down with Specklewottle. " Just put the clothes on a platter, and set ’em afore him! You can explain to him that we only eat three times a week, like a dog in hot weather 1 That’ll satisfy him, sc long as he has the clothes to eat!’’

“ You don’t imagine ha would want to eat the clothes, do yon 7” asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, innocently.

"Just trythrm!” yelled Mr. Spoopendyke,enraged at the idea of being taken literally. “ Just try him, and sling in some of/ the natuial grace you always put on at the table I ‘ Mr. Specklewottle hare some of this fricasseed petticoat 7’ " and Mr. Spoopendyke held out the legs of bis trousers as a woman holds hor skirts and waltzed round the room, “ * Mr, Speeklewettle, have a little' of this poached nightshirt? Now,Mr. Specklewottle, do try one of these fried socks and a slice of the pillow case! Dear Mr. Sprecklewottl©, pray.let mo help you to a piece of this shirt collar and a pair of stuffed cuffs! I made them myself,and though they are not so good as-—that’s the. way to do it!” continued Mr. Spoopendyke, suddenly concluding his remarks with a war whoop, and presenting himself before his wife all out of bieath. “ Think you’ve got that bill of fart all right? ; Sea your way clear to a successful dinner early now?” “ There’s some cold fish downstairs, and I think there is a raw ham in the cellar,'’ ruminated Mrs. Spoopendyke, regarding her husband with a startled look ,of inquiry, as if asking if he thought Sprecklewottle would miod the meat being raw and the fish a trifle cold, "lldon't think he. has anything at home on Mondays eswept cabbage arid beans . Ur perhaps he may have dough-nuts and -pie.” she continued, hastily, seeing' swelling with a retort. “ And I’m sure dough-nuts and pie are good.” “ That’s what be wants” howled Mr.Spoopendyka. " Bring forth the fish that froze to death in the house of Spoopendyke! Produce the ham with a crumpled horn, that milked the fish that froze to. death in the house of Spoopendyke! Develop the banquet and let joy be uncrmHned. Ain't ye got any more sense than a bunghole 7 Think I’m going to bring tbo aristocracy here to fatten on dead fish and live bogs 7 How long are yon going to let that man sit downstairs in a state of starvation 7 Where's that roust of beef 1 brought homo Die other day 7” “ I think wo ate that\all up the day it enme home,” sighed Mrs, Spoopendyke. "Do you mean that roast with the queer little sticks in it 7”

“ The same.” replied Mr. Spoopendyke, nerving himself for another ordeal. " Did we cub the sticks!” And in the excess of his emotion Mr. Spoopendyke gasped for breath, and, resting his hands on his knees, looked as if he were inviting his wife to a little game of leap-frog. “ There's some lettuce in the house, and I bought some strawberries to-day, and I could cook the steak I had saved over for breakfast," murmured Mrs. Spoonendyke, coming out triumphantly in the end, woman like. " And I will put on my new wine-coloured satin, and we will give him a nice supper."

“ Going to put that wine-coloured satin on the iish’or the ham?" howled Mr. Spoopendyke, who had a man’s isiea that a dinner is not a dinner until it’s roasted. "Think I brought that man here at six o’clock in the afternoon to take, breakfast? Got some kind of a notion that Cold fish, raw ham, wormy lettuce, green strawberries, and a fried cow are going to satisfy the cravings of a man, who has just won a bet of a dinner on —” But here Mr. Spoopendyke stopped short. The last revelation was unintentional.

Was it a bet,dear ?*’ asked Mrs, Spoupendyke opening ber eyes in astonishment. *>• Did you bring Mr. Specklewottle home here on a bet 7 If I had known that, and you had given me time, I would have had a nice supper.for you. I don’t suppose that he would core for a cold meal, under the circumstances. I really think ” “ That settles it,” squealed Mr. Snoopendyke, mad at himself for what he had divulged, and angrier still as he saw that he most explain to Specklewottle how he was fixed. “ When you commence to think, the free list is entirely, suspended. Some day when I catch you thinking, I’m going to drive a . spigot in-your head - and advertise science on tap; book science extra; free lunch from 11 to 1.”

And with this prospectus Mr. Spuopendyke daslnd downstairs and explained to Air. Specklewottle that, owing to Mrs. Spoopendyke having a severe headache, they had better postpone the dinner or go to a restaurant.