HUMOUR---More or Less

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 18922, 25 January 1936, Page 10

HUMOUR---More or Less

Inspecting officer at kit inspection. —"Where are your three shirts?" The old soldier. —"One on, one at the wash, and one I lost, sir." "Well, let's see the one you've got on." "Please, sir, that's the one I lost, sir." # * *

Henry Irving was visited in his dressing-room by a distinguished patron who praised unstintingly the performance lie had just seen and said it was the greatest tour de force of Irving's Shakespearean repertoire. After the guest's departure, Irving turned to his dresser. 1 ' My best, Walter.'' No reply. "Did you hear? 1 said, my best." "I. 'eat'd, sir," said Walter wi'tnout enthusiasm. "Don't you agree —eh—Walter? Isn't it?" "No, sir. Macbeth's your best, sir., I'ou sweats most in that." * # #

A (ramp had been admitted to the casual w.ard of an English workhouse late one evening, and the 'following morning lie duly appeared before the master. "Have you taken a bath this morning?" was the first question he was asked. "No. sir," answered the man in .astonishment, "is there one missing?"

•X * # The English poet, John Masefield, told a story of an experience in New York, where he worked as bartender and general help in a saloon in the late nineties. Behind the bar was a sign which read: "Soft Drinks and Billiards." Presently there entered a countryman —popularly known as "hayseed"— who seeing the sign, said in his gruffest, tone: "Gimme a billiard." The bartender not Masefield to whom the request was addressed, regarded "the man doubtfully for a few moments, then seeing that he really thought a billiard was something to drink, he su..tod to make up a mixture of everything he had in the place. | The stranger took the mess, swallowed a mouthful, and turned red in Ihe lace. Game to the last, however, he gulped down the. lot. "How do you like that?" asked ■the bartender grimly. "Well," replied the countryman, "If I wasn't, an old billiard drinker: I'd say it was bilge-water with a dash of vitriol thrown in."

Constable at Tottenham of man charged with being drunk.—Defendant was standing on the steps of a bank, and when he saw me he said, "Disturb me not, for am I not on the stepping stones to fortune?" » * * At Least a Job "Your fiance is a charming man. He has a certain something." '' Yes, but I would rather he had something certain." Needless Uneasiness.

Sandy M'Pherson was travelling to Glasgow, and on the way he felt thirsty, so he took out a bottle and drew the cork. Just as he was about to take a taste, a fellow passenger in clerical garb addressed him. "Excuse me, sir, but I am 65 years of age, and; I have never tasted a drop of whisky." "Dinna worry ycrsel'," said Sandy, "you're no' gauntae start noo." She Was Curious

Ono of the prominent married ladies of a neighboring town was out on the lawn recently accompanied by her ever-watchful dog. Two little girls abont six years old came along. She said: "What nice looking little girls." One of the girls spoke up: "Haven't you any children?" "No," the lady answered, "I have no children." "Oh, any," said the little girl, "won't your dog let the stork come in?" Misinterpreted The electricians were making some repairs on the local school. iSehool Bo} —What are you doing, mister?

■Electrician —Installing an electric switch.

Boy —Well, I don't care. Our family is moving to-day and I won't be going to this school any more. Right G-irl

A lovesick Scotsman, wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice.

After spending, the entire day hanging about the telegraph oflice, he was finally rewarded late in the evening by receiving an answer in the affirmative.

"If I were you, I'd think twice before marrying a girl that kept me waiting all day for an answer," said the postmaster. "Na, nn," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the. cheap night rates is the lass for me."