HUMOUR--- More or Less

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18255, 25 November 1933, Page 9

HUMOUR---More or Less

Lady Motorist: "But really it. wasn’t my fault. 1 put out my baud.” Gallant Irishman: "Sure, me darlin’, ’tis your hand that 's so small I didn’t see it at all." » • * * Mrs Smith: "I hear your eldest daughter lias married a struggling young man. Mrs Brown: "Well, he did struggle towards the last, but he couldn’t get away. ’ ’ ** ■ * Mrs M‘Gregor:;"l always encourage my hubby to recline in an easy, chair au’ put his feet on the mantelpiece," Mrs Newlywed (horrified): "Why?" Mrs M‘Gregor: "When ho .goes to bod there is usually some small change left on the chair." • • » « Policeman; "Say, do you realise you were going 65 miles au hour?" Sweet Young Thing: " Sixty-five ! Don’t bo silly! I couldn’t have been going over 30 at the most. In fact, I don’t believe I was going moro than 25 at the outside." Policeman: "Well, maybe you’re right. I’ll just tear this ticket up and give you oue for parking," s a » » A youngster from tho Amazon Put nighties on. his Gramazou; The reason’s that Ho was too fat To get his own Pyjamazon. * * Sr Astonishing Reductions! Come, and she our Bargain Basement. Frocks half off!—-Adv't. in a paper. Very rough affairs, somo of these bargain #

Jiist as in. England, where "His Majesty’s Tradesmen," as they are known (there arc 1500 of them), regard as a high honor tho right to display the royal arms with tho inscription "By. Appointment," so in Australia the privilege of announcing that an establishment is "Under Viceregal Patronage” is much valued. The distribution of this mark of favor, which issues both from the Federal and the State Government Houses, is not lightly made, and only leading firms can secure it. But, as the war demonstrated, difficulties, are. made to be overcome by tho "Digger." A returned soldier who conducts a stall in tho markot at Cpmborwoll, a prpsperous Melbourne suburb, has placarded his booth thus:—; Wo .don't servo the .Governor. That is his misfortune. Bqt— We have Served the King. .... • # .* *. t <i ?.

“Steak and chips," rasped out the famished customer.

"Yes, sir," said the waiter, beaming, "and will there be anything else? How about lainb chops and peas?"

"No; I want steak," said the customer. . .. r. . v . "How about some nice beef and Yorkshire?" went on the waiter.

"No, steak," said the customer, becoming slightly red about the face. "Crab salad, or perhaps you prefer our pork pies?" smiled the other. "I ordered steak—’’ began the customer.

Just then the manager intervened. ‘' What do you mean by all this nonsense,. waiter?" he asked. "I distinctly heard this gentleman say steak. ’ ’ "That’s all .right., sir," replied the waiter* ■ "I’m just, making him feci at home., Ho’s the barber at the end of my street." * * * W

.One night i»i a theatre a man who had dined rather too well stood up in his. seat right smack in the middle of the play and cried: "Is there a doctor in :thc house P 3

The actors faltered slightly, but the plav bravely went on, although it was a*bit of a blow to those concerned. ; -7 ‘ ... A moment la.t<?r, the same man, still standing, repeated, his question. At this second call, another man arose and said: "Yes, Dm a doctor," whereupon the other nearly iinishod off the performance, for that evening by asking, in a tone of great bonhomie, "How do you like the show, doc?" * * * * Wife (bitterly): "So you have forgotten our wedding anniversary?", Hubby: "How could I remember it? Time has slipped away so fast and so happily that the wedding seems but yesterday.” The Wife: "Shall we ask Mr. Snookos to our bridge party, dear? He plays quite a fair game, doesn’t he?" The Husband: "Oh, yes, quite fair —if you watch him." **’ * * ' t ' The young naval officer was showing the pretty flapper over the ship. "Awfully interesting," she said. f ‘ And tell me, do you close the portholes when the tide rises?" W «K* # ■ * Solicitor: "And what began the dispute over your marriage anniversary celebration?" Client: "Me 'usbnnd goes and drinks the toast in vinegar." •* * * « There are .times when Signor Mussolini tires of tho limelight of publicity and goes away into tho country unattended. He put up at a village one night and, having nothing better to do after dinner, w'ent to the local cinema. , . . :,

One of the pictures shown was of himself addressing a public assembly. When it appeared on tho screen the audience rose in a body—with ono exception, Mussolini, who remained seated. The man next-to him asked, "Why don’t you get; up?" Mussdlinl rejoined, "Why Should I?" A disturbance seemed to be ihirninoiit tvhen the ptbprietot intervened. Bonding low oVet Mussolini,, he Whispered: , "Look hero, old elmp. Most of us think the same as you do, but when we see his face wn always stand just to savo a row. So get up, there’s a good fellow." Milssolini rose.

Tho story sounds almost too good t) be true, hut It has come from a friend to whom Mussolini hirnSelf told it* '