HUMOUR-- More or Less

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 17947, 26 November 1932, Page 13

HUMOUR--More or Less

The worst of it is that, when confidence returns, the confidence men will return.

Rastus: “Dat am a great lawyer Two whole days now he been argil fyin' afor' dat jury.” ' taambo: “Yah. What lie been argu lyin' about?” Rastus. “He doan’ say.” •tt * # *

“Mose, can you explain wireless telegraphy to me?” “Yessuh, it’s like dis: Ef you-all had a long, long, houn' dawg, an.' he stretched from Cincinnati .to Cleveland, and you stept on his tail in Cincinnaty he would howd in Cleveland. Dat am telegraphy. Only in wiahless you does de same thing without dc dawg.” Chance.

The polite dinner guest turned to the forbidding female on his left and said: “Tell me, dear lady, have you children, by any—r —chance?” Same as Before.

The young bride was asked what she thought of married life.

“Oh, there's not much difference,” she replied. ‘,‘l used to wait up half the night for Henry to go, and now' I wait up half the night for him to come home.” Disguised.

Fay: That follow I used to know has asked me to go to the firemen’s costume ball, but I can't think what, to impersonate.

Ray: Why not go as an “old flame?”

Helped. Members profess great satisfaction with the achievement of the British Medical Association in attaining its centenary; but the fact remains that it was only kept alive by the doctors. —Punch. Played the Game.

Employer: Rather strange, Johnny, that your grandfather should be buried 1 on the day the ball game is ip fawn. Office Boy.: Yes, good old grandpa—a sportsman to the end.—Tid-Bits. No Lie. Hubby (at the races): Let mo back one more horse. I -promise you it ’ll bo the last. Wife (gloomily): It usually is. Kitchen Cremation. By order of the Brazilian authorities quantities of coffee are being destroyed by burning. This is what is constantly happening in our kitchen. — Punch. Just Black. Miss Sophia Petunia Jones tripped into a lawyer's office. “Can't Ah sue dat no 'count R.astus Smith fo’ aomepiu, mister?” she asked. “He promised to marry me, dat he did, an' 'yistiddy lie done Toped with another gal.” “Promised to marry you, eh.”' mused the lawyer. “Well, have you anything in black and white to show’ . for it?” j “No, suh,” replied Sophia. “Jos black.” Consultation. I A bookmaker, who was ill, sent his small son to tell a certain doctor to call. A different doctor having arrived, the bookmaker afterwards asked his son to explain. “Well, you see, dad,” he said, j “there were a lot of brass plates on tho doors, and when I got to the number you gave me, I saw' ‘ Consultations, 11 to 12.' The chap next door was offering ‘Consultations, 10 to I', so I knew’ you'd like the one that gave you tho best odds.” Too Ambitious. An ambitious young man heard of the death of the junior partner of a big firm. Being full of self-confi- ! deuce he hurried to the offices of the ‘ firm, whose senior partner w’as a | friend of his father’s. ! “How about my taking your partner's place?” ho asked. “Excellent!” said the senior partner. “If you can fix things up with the undertakers. ’ ’ Head Work. | “I can assure you,” said the phil'osopher, “that a good woman’s 'thoughts rise above dress.” j “That’s right,” agreed the cynic. '“She’s probably thinking of a new hat!” Stimulating. j One M.P. declares that, a visit to the pictures cheers him up more than any cocktail. It. must be pitiful to sec him staggering home after hav- ’ ing a close-up too many.—Punch, Information. | Suburban Neighbor: So Mr. Green ( j isn’t at home? Well, tell him I called, j will you? j Maid: Yes, sir. And what shall I say you wanted to borrow? Not Rough. I Madame Yvette Guilbert once told this story to illustrate the difficulty that foreigners have with the English language owing to the one word having many different meanings. A mother said to her daughter, “Don't you think Gus rather rough?” And tho daughter answered with a faint blush, “Yes, mamma, and yet lie says he shaves every day!” The Bishop’s Flock. Orange is full of stories about “Tommy” Hood, the well-known breeder of Lincolns, and distinguished visitors to the country towu arcs usually advised to 'visit him, states the Sydney Sun.

Bishop Ingram of London, was one of them. Setting out by car, he found, after he had travelled some distance, that lie had gone astray. Ho he approached a man in working clothes, handling u small flock of sheep, for directions. It proved to bo “Tommy’’ Hood himself. “Those are fine sheep,” remarked the Bishop. “How many in the flock?” “They’re stud ewes,” said “Tommy” Hood. “Only about a hundred there.” “I have a flock in London,” remarked the Bishop facetiously, “that numbers over a million.o “You must have a devil of a time in the lambing season,” remarked Hood, shortly. Take Shaw’s Vitality Pills (Double Strength). Wonderful revitalisers. Send for new and complete price list. —H. H. Shaw, M.P.S., "The Men’s Chemist,” 212 C High Street, Christchurch.*