HUMOUR MORE OR LESS

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume LV, Issue 17227, 5 April 1930, Page 9

HUMOUR MORE OR LESS

The school class was being subjected to a familiar form of rest. Pupils were asked to write a sentence illustrating ihe use of thu phrase, "cool and collected." One hoy wrote:— "Before lite explosion the man was cool; after the explosion he was collected:" Discussing the tendency to greater length in woman's dress, the editor of the Arkansas Gazette observes quite truthfully thai "skirts had to be longer to be skirts any longer." « * * * GOLF. Golf?"' said the young farmer who he.d lately tried his hand at the game, to a friend who enquired how he liked it. "11 ain't so bad. It's a bit harder than hoein' turnips, and a bit easier than tiiggin' potatoes." SOME SATISFACTION. '' You were going forty miles an h'.ur," said the policeman reproachfully. "I'm no deliberate lawbreaker," said Mr. Chuggins. "I'm ashamed of myself, but I 'm kind of proud of the did iliv." SEVEN ACES OF WOMEN. The Infant. The little girl. The girl. The young Jady. Tin' young lady. Tin' young lady. The young lady. XO APPETITE. Doctor (after examination:--] do not wonder that yon have no appetite if you eat tv.o purlieus of roasl beef, baked potatoes, greens, sauce and three helpings of apple pie. I'alient—lt was not that, doctor, I had no appetite when 1 .started, .1 X * * DOUBLE. ile was a vet) moderate golfer, and oiii' day rushed into lus home with a smile nf gladness on his face. "My deal," hi' shouted to his wife, "I had a wonderful game to-day. How many do you think I. went round i a .' ■'' "Oh—double," his wife replied. "What'" he asked. "Double? What do you mean—double?" "Why, love." wilie murmured, "double what you're going to tell me! " WANTED TO KNOW. A farmer had lost his temper trying to drive two mules into a Held. He was applying a hearty dose of strong language'whCn the local parson came along. "Don't speak to dumb animals like thai." exclaimed the parson. The farmer turned around. "You're just the man 1 want to see." "Why?" asked the parson. "Weil, tell me, how did 'Noah get those mean brutes in the ark?" * * * * HEL RING HAND. A steward at the gangway of a ship kept shouting for tho benefit of arriving passengers: "First-eias-i to the right! Second-class to the left!" A young woman stepped aboard with a baby in her arms. As she hesitated before the steward he said: "First or second?" "Oh!" said the girl, her face as red as a rose. "Oh—it's —it's not mine at all. I'm just helping a girl friend get aboard."

PROVIDER. "Is your new son-in law n good provider?" "He can just about keep my daughter in gloves. I pay for everything else." "Then he deceived you as to his circumstances?" "No, f remember he merely asked ■fin her hand." GIFT. A certain bishop, walking down a city street, one day came across a costermonger swearing most lustily. Said the bishop: "My good man, wherever did you learn to use. such dreadful language?" Said the costermonger: "Lord love you, sir. you can't learn it; .it is a gift." : v a * * NO DIFFERENCE. A J'at woman elbowed her way through the crowd, jabbing first one person and then another. Finally she gave one nearby man an unusually hard thump, and said: "Say, does it make any difference which ear I take to Greenwood Cemetery?" "Not to me, madam." he said.

A SONG BIRD. A woman of uncertain vocal attainments deemed it her vocation not merely to lead, but also drown the efforts of the village choir. The choir rose in protest, and risked the vicar to inform the offender that she must sing more in harmony. Calling on her as soon a ■ he could brace himself up for the nnplea: ant duty, Ihe vicar said blandly: "And now. Miss R , I have been asked to say a word to you about your singing " Don 't menl ion it," I he chorister broke in. "Not to me be the praiseit 's a gift." » * • • WHOLE FAMILY. Visitor And have you any brothers or sisters '. Little Girl—No; 1 'm all the children we've got. « » « * MTOH BETTER. A certain man announced that he was marrying a widow. "I could never be a widow's second husband," his friend said bluntly. The newly-engaged man smiled. " Well," he murmured. "I'd much rather be her second than her first."

A NARROW ESCAPE. The following story is (old by Lord Aberdeen in his little book. 'Mokes (tracked by Lord Aberdeen." An old' farmer had become a widower. A neighbor called to expri'.-:■■ condolence. The old man. in urntofiilly accepting Ihe assurance, said lhai he would like lo tell his \ a-.itoi i lie I'ircuinsiances of the loss he had sustained. 'A while ago I i\asmi I'd liu ' \ei ra ive<d, an' I sent word lo Die druggist, telling him what like the t rouble was, an ' he said he wid sea' me Mime ponthcrs, but by Ihe time the ponthcrs cam" I wis feelin ' a good piece belter, so l just pul them past, I hinkiii' they micht be I.' some e'es anifher lime; an ' I hen, snon offer, the wife took ill. so 1 thoeht she wad be better for Ihe pouIhers, so I gied them till her, but she didna improve one; and suae she jist slippit aw a '.'' '' Dear me! *' said the visitor, '' how very sad." "Ay," said the other, i 1 's terrible; but, man, isna il a mairev I didna tak' rhae pout hers irutsel'.' "