HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 16213, 25 August 1923, Page 11

HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

"lll.this part," said the movie director, "you have to do a number of funny falls. How are you on foils?" "1 rank next; 10 Niagara," the applicant replied confidently.

Wife: "Tier run times when I certainly wish ! iveru a. man." Husband: "When, dcai';". Wife: "Whenever 1 pass a milliner's shop and think how happy I could make my wife by giving her a present of a new hat." * * "A" * RICH UNCLE. Angelina—What did you telL papa about, prospects? Edwin—l said I had expectations from my uncle. "Why, Edwin, you told inp yon had no relatives at all." "Oh, yes,' but you sec, I'm going to pawn my watch this evening." # # * * GIVING HIM A LESSON. First Man —I Hear tiiat your wife grabbed a thief the other night as he crawled in through the window —and mauled him all over—she must have plenty of courage? Second Man—Not Much ! She thought it was me! # * «• * HE KNEW. .Teacher—What is' tihe most congested spot on the earth? Bright Boy—Atoms. Teacher—There isn't any such place. Bright Boy—Ain't that where everything is blown to? #■* * « THE OTHER REASON, The Visitor—Your boys are leaving college very late. What kept them hack so long? Are they delicate;? The Proud Father—Delicate? On the contrary they're athletes. A SAT) PLIGHT. ; % A tourist in Scotland camo upon a farm in a remote Highland glen. "How delightful to live in this solitary spot, - ' ho remarked to the farmer.

"I'm na sae sure about that, sir," replied tho farmer. "Hfw wad ye like to line to ga 15 miles for .a glass of whisky?''

"Oh," said the tourist, "hut. you could keep a bottle." Tho farmer shook his head, mournfully. "Ah, mon," he said seriously, "whisky'll na keep." # -x- # » ; THE SAME PERSON. Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual. "I fancy I play the worst game in the world," ho confessed to the caddie. "Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling reply. "From what tho boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must he worse than you are." "What's his name?" asked the player hopefully. And the caddie replied • " ArbuthnotJoyce."

HE COMPLIED, NEVERTHELESS

Two Irishmen were working at a quarry, and one fell over the edge. The other alarmed, came to the margin of the hole and called out J --"Arrah, Pat, are ye killed entirely?- If ye're dead shpake." Pat assured him from tho bottom by saying: "No, Tirn, I'm not dead, but spachless." * * * * ' THE WEDDING- PARTY.

Jimmy's mother had told him to remain near the window and watch for the bride and groom, and tell her when he saw them coming. After waiting for some time his patience was rewarded, but he forgot to run and tell his mother. When they were quite near he remembered suddenly, and called out lustily, "Mamma, here comes the bride and the gloom." * *■ # # ■ ITER 'COMING-OUT DRESS., A countryman visiting London was invited tg a "coming out" dance. During the evening he was introduced to a young woman, whose evening dress was notable for its extreme economy of material. "Ah," observed the provincial cuttingly, "I see you are wearing your coming-out dress!" * * , * * •NO USE FOR IT. A short timo ago a gentleman sent a small" boy in his neighborhood to deliver at note to a young lady who lived a few streets away. He gave the boy twopence to make him hurry. After a short tim» the'messanger came back and, returning the money, said—- " Miss Jones says she will be glad to see you to-night, hut she didn't, want the twopence 1" *j * * . *• NO USE TO HIM. ■.■

To the maker of movies an earnest lady who wished to "uplift" tho screen suggested a version of Shakespeare's fn.rce, "Tho Taming of tho Shrew." • "Not on your life!" boomed the magnate. "I've lost enough money already on animal pictures." * * *-. #■ CORRECTED! The teacher wrote on the blackboard those words: "The toast was drank in silence," and then asked the class :*- "Can anyone tell me what the mistake in the sentence is?"

>The pupils pondered. Then a little girl held tap her hand, and at a nod went to the board and wrote the following correction .-—"The toast was ate in silence!" t' * # * * '. QUITE SURE OP THAT.A schoolmaster picked up a penny iii the playground. Later, wheri all the scholars had assembled, he asked:—"Has any boy lost a. penny?" After a- short pause a small boy held up his hand. "Please, sir, I did." "Ah, Tom Jones; and where did you lose it?" "Please, sir, where you found it!" ' # ih * #

SHAKESPEARE AS HE IS WROTE

The boys of St. Briayels, in Gloucester, were being asked by their master to put certain passages of Shakespeare into their own words, with results of, extraordinary felicity. Hero ar© two examples:—'"'John of daunt—'l am dying, my lord.' Richard—'For God's sake, die, then.' (He dies,.)" "Caesar (finding that it is Brutus who has stabbed him) —'Tut, tut, Brutus.' ".—Morning Post.