HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 16112, 28 April 1923, Page 11

HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

IN AGAIN

A citizen ot' Seattle who hail looked upon flic wine when lie wa.s no longer sure what color it was, on his way home eneounlcrcil a tree prelected by an iron tree guard. Grasping the bars, lie cautiously felt his way around it twice. “Curse it,’’ he moaned, sinking to the ground in despair, “locked

SCOTCH! An English tourist in the Highlands, during wet weather, said to an old boatman, “Angus, do you know where I could get a mackintosh for my daughter ' ’ ’ “I do not,” said Angus, “Hut there's a fine young Macdonald up yonder, and he’s a bachelor. Maybe he’d suit the young lady.”

C11EERIO! Hear old Mrs. Sympathy was visiting the public hospital. She came to a tied where Suffer, was lying with a black eye showing out against- the snowy whiteness of a mass of bandages. “My poor fellow!” she exclaimed, “how dreadfully battered you are. But you must cheer up.”

“Not. me, mum,” answered Suffer, “I’m done with cheerin’ up forever.” “Oh, you mustn’t give up hope, my poor fellow. You must cheer up if you want to get well.” ‘ ‘ Bli 'me, missus! ’ ’ retorted Suffer, “it wus cheerin’ up wot brought me ’ere. .1 went to tlier Stadium larst. week an’ cheered up ther wrong man.”

PAT’S FALL. Au Irishman, being awakened suddenly in the night by cries of “Fire,” hastily donned his trousers and leaped .from a second-storey window.' He reached the ground safely, but stood looking down-at his trousers, which, in his excitement, he had put on hind side before.

A fireman came up to hint and said “Did the fall hurt, you, Pat?”

“No,” said l’at; “divil a bit did it hurt me; but it- gave me a divil av a. 1 wishf. ”

STRIKING A BALANCE

Young Bradley, who has had a business college training, found that his pretty little bride was inclined to be extravagant. So one day he took her home a neat little account-book, which lie presented to her, together with ton pounds. “Now, my darling,” lie said, “I want you to put. down what I give you on this side, and on the other write down the way it goes; and in a week I’ll give you another supply.”

A week later lie asked to have a look at flic book.

“Oil, I’ve kept the account all right!” said his wife. “See —here it is. ’ ’ On one page was neatly inscribed, “Received from Willie ten pounds,” and on the opposite leaf the comprehensive little summary, “Spoilt it all.”

• • • • WILLING TO OBLIGE. Allan Wilkie, tire Shakespearean actor, was one of a group of married men who were discussing liousekoep ing and servants in the lounge of a Sydney hotel. He told of a girl who served him ami Mrs. Wilkie well enough while they were living in a Hat in Melbourne a couple of years ago, and who one day went to Mrs. Wilkie in tears and asked permission to go home for a few days—she hud a telegram telling that her mother was ill.

“Go, of course,” said Mrs. Wilkie; “only, Maggie, don’t stay longer than is absolutely necessary. We need you. ’ ’ Maggie promised to return as soon as possible, and hurried away. A week passed without word from her: then came a letter from Gippslaud as follows:—

“Dear Mrs. Wilkie, —I will be back next week, an’ please keep me place for me. N Mother is dying as fast us slid can to oblige Maggie.”

TRUE TO BE SURE. “Why do you turn out of the road for every mad-brained, reckless motordriver who comes along?” asked the farmer’s wife of her husband rather crossly. “The right of way is yours.” “Surely,” her husband answered calmly. “But my reason is suggested by the, epitaph I sjaw the other day.”

“What was it?” “Here lies tho body of William Jay, He died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right., as ho sped along, But lie’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.”

• • ■ • A CHARITABLE WISH.

“I'm quite a near neighbor of yours now, ’’ said Mr. Bore. “I’m living just across the river.” “Indeed?” replied Miss .Smart. “I hope you’ll drop in some day.”

GIVE IT AWAY. Georgie: Munisic, daddie and me were on the settee in the front room l:lie other night with the light out— Schoolmistress (who boards with Georgie’s parents): George, don’t say “Daddie and me,” say “Daddie and I.”

Georgie: Aw, I don’t mean that night.

i < • • MUSHROOMS FOB MABEL.

The wife of the great, botanist beamed at him across the supper table. “But these mushrooms,” .sin; exclaimed, pointing to the dish that had been set before her, “arc not all for me, Aristotle, are they?” “Yes, Mabel,” he nodded, “I gathered them especially for you with my own hands.”

She beamed upon him gratefully. What a dear, unsellish husband, ho was! In five minutes she had demolished the lot.

At breakfast the next morning he greeted her anxiously. “Sleep all right?” lie enquired. “Splendidly,” she smiled. “Not sick at, all—no pains?” ho pressed. “Why, of course nut, Aristotle,” she responded. “Hurrah!!” lie then exclaimed, “1 have discovered another species of fungi that isn’t poisonous.”

• 0 • *• CONSIDER ATI

He was a new recruit, aiifl a few days after joining the regiment was placed on guard over the stables. His sergeant was a crusty old chap

who believed in keeping new recruits up to their duty. The night hours wore on, and the new recruit became excessively weary. He partly undressed, curled up in the straw, and soon his snores mingled with the stamping of the horses in the stable.

A fellow-Digger sighted the prowling sergeant heading for this particular post, and hurriedly woke the sleeper. The latter commenced to parade up and down in front of the stable with as much military bearing as he could assume.

The sergeant stopped and glanced curiously at the sentry. His hair was full of straw, ho had forgotten to pull his boots on, and generally exhibited signs of having been suddenly awakened from slumber.

“Ha! Ha! my man!” thundered the sergeant; “you’ve been sleepin’ on duty!’’

“No, sergeant,’’ meekly lied the offender

“Well,” snorted the other, “what do you mean by paradin’ around in vour socks for?”

“55-h-h, sergeant,” whispered the sentry, “don’t make a noise; I’m doin’ is so as not- to wake the horses! ”