FABLES IN SLANG.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 16021, 6 January 1923, Page 11

FABLES IN SLANG.

THE DREAM THAT COMES TOO TRUE. ' Once there was a provincial Tradesman who gave his Yokemate a Christmas Present. It was a kind of Dingus formerly exhibited on the WhatNot in almost every; polite Home. By peering through at the twin Photographs and working it, like a Slide Trombone, one could got lavishing glimpses of Trafalgar Squares, l.ake Como, and the Birthplace of Bobby Burns.

While gazing up the Ru'p' do Rivoli or across the rice paddies' at the snowy cap of Fuji, his Blood would become hot by the old boyhood Desire to sail across the Blue to Foreign Parts. ,"'.'■''.

Those who saw Edwin mowing the Lawn little suspected that he was being inwardly eaten by the Wanderlust.

His Managing Director, Selena, belonged to :c Club, that was trying to get a side-hold oil the Art' :ind Architecture of the Old World. She had a smouldering Ambition to 1 ride a Camel in the Orient and then come home and put it all over a certain proud Hen who had ppen.t six weeks in Europe. One visit to Niagnra Falls and a glorious-week of Saengejrfest at Cincinnati had simply whetted her desire to take Edwin by the hand and beat it all the way around the Globe, via Singapore. To prepare herself for the Grand Tour, she took 12’ lessons in French and read up on the Taj Mahal. She had to wait patiently until Edwin was threatened with a Nervous Break-Down. •: At last the' Happy Day arrived when the Specialist told him ho must make his choice between a long Sea Voyage and a slow rido to the Family Plot. When they, tottered, dou'n the GangPlank, after' six days’ on flic playful North Atlantic, their only Comfort was derived from the..knowledge .that,-.as. scon as they had rested lip, they could write home and quote the Second Officer as saying that it was the roughest Passage he had icver Known.' After spending a few days', in Eondon trying to got warm, they moved on to Paris, which they remembered long afterward on account of Napoleon's Tomb and the price of Strawberries. • \

They employed a. Guide who knew all tlic Shops. If Selena happened to admire a Trinket or some outre Confection With Lace slathered oh ft, a perfumed Apache in a' Frock Coat, would take Edwin into a Side Room, give him the sleeve across the WindPipe, and bite a piece out of his'Letter of Credit,, Three weeks after saying good-bye to Griddle Cakes they wore in Naples, which they had seen pictured on so many Calendars, Looking back across the Centuries they recalled the Clerks standing in the Door-ways and the friends of the Bridge Club. It was sweet to remember that the world was not made up entirely of cadging Head Waiters, it a a a Their only chance of catching even on tlie} Imperial Suite at .1(5 Bucks a Day Was 'to make the Folks back at the Whistling Post think they Were playing Guitars and dancing the Tarantella, whatever that is. • Next we sec.them in Egypt, still addressing Post-Cards, and offering anything within Reason for a good Cup of Coffee.

Somehow, sitting in the dusky Tombs didn't seem to, help their Nostalgia. .. Not that they would own up to being Home-sick. No, indeed! They kept writing back that they "enjoyed every Minute spent, among the Cemetrics and Ruins, or sailing up the. Nile, and Edwin was. holding up wonderfully, for an Invalid. ,'.. f . Only, when either of them spoke of tho Children, or -Corned-Beef Hash, or the Canary, a long Silence 'would ensue, and then the Nervous Wreck would cheer her by computing that thoy would be in God 'a Country within four months, if they escaped Shipwreck, Sunstroke, and 'Bubonic Plague. By the time they found themselves in that vast bake/oven known as India they were benumbed and submissive and had settled into a Routine.

They would arrive in 'a New Town, fly to the Hotel, unpack, go out and buy their colored Post-Cards, come back to tho Dump (usually called tho Grand Hotel Victoria), address Cards to all tho Names on tho list, then pack up, pay the Overcharges, and ride to tho Railway Station, accompanied by a small regiment of Baslii-Bazouks who were looking for Theirs. * • * * The sight of a Temple threw Edwin into a Relapse, but he would have given 8000 dols. for one look at the galvanised Cornice of the Court House. Back among the Corn Fields, Cousin Ella pictured them as riding a caparisoned Elephant, up to the marble Palaco of tho Gaekwar to Baroda, where Edwin would fldsh his Passport and then the distinguished Guests would bo salaamed to the Peacock Throne.

Nothing like it. They wcro led up to the highly odorous Bazaars conducted by tho lineal Descendants of tho 40 Thieves.

Often, while riding in the dusty Cattlo Cars and looking out at the parched Plains, they would think of the shaded Front Porch, only 5 minutes from Barclay’s Drug Store, where they sold the Ice-Cream Soda. Moaning feebly, they would return to the italicised Guido Book. The Chow consisted largely of Curry and Bice, the medicinal flavor of whicli was further accentuated by Butter brought in Tins all tho way from Sweden. 0 • • • Year after year in the months of March and April they continued on their; tedious Way through the burning Tropics. They spent weary Ages along the avpiiucs of white Lime-Kilns, looking at Countless millions of hungry Brunettes in fluttering Nighties. The Invalid’s one desire was to got home and take a regular Bath before being laid out. Hongkong pleased them exceedingly because they learned, by consulting Mr Mercator’s Projection, that they were on the Homo. Stretch and, with Luck in 4 their favor, might live to see another Pieeo of Huckleberry Pie. Japan they liked tho best of all. At Yokohama they received a bundle of Dailies only six weeks old, giving full Particulars of a Wedding and telling who was about to run for Mayor. As soon as they were on tho Pacific' and headed for a refined Vaudeville Show, they began to recover the brave Spirit/of Travel arid blow about what they had seen'. -

Before touching at Honolulu they were real enthusiastic about India. They, advisod the awe-stricken Lisr tenor who had not been all tho Way around, to bo sure and take in Penang and Johore, and, if necessary, they would give .him Letters of Introduction. They said it had. been a Wonderful Experience. Yes, indeed. And broadening. Very. Then Edwin would wander to- the front end of the Ship and want to climb out on tho Bowsprit so as to be in San Fran ahead of anybody else. Two hours after landing, Edwin saw a Porter-House Steak and burst into tears. They sped eastward by the first

Books, for they knew they would have to-answer a lot'of Questions. "Shall we own \ip and tell them the A'w'iul Truth?" asked Selena. "Not on your Esoteric Buddhism," replied Edwin. "We never will be rewarded for our Sufferings unless we convince the Neighbors that we had a run for our Money. It was a troubled Nightmare, in Spots, but when I lecture in the Church Parlor I am {jjoing to burn Jofs Sticks and pull every variety of Bunk made-famous by Kir Kit-ward Arnold and Lafcftdio HCarn:'.

On the following Tuesday, Selena appeared at the Club with her Mam <.arin Coat and the lonjr Hindoo Earnings. She had them frozen to their Chairs. ' '/'„

MORAL: Bo it ever so Hard to Take, there is no Place like away from Homo.