STORIETTES.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XXXV, Issue 11231, 21 March 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

STORIETTES.

Robert Smith, brother of Sydney Smith, and an ex-advocate-general, on one occasion, engaged in an argument witlra physician over the relative merits oi" their respective professions. "I don't say that all lawyers are crooks," said the doctor, "but you'll have to admit that your profession doesn't make angels 'of men.'' "No," retorted Smith; "you doctors certainly have the best of us there." ■ •■ . . * . * * ' j i Marconi, the wireless telegraph inven•tor, was once cautioned by a reporter, who said that the man of science was .working too hard and gaining fame at the expense of.- flesh. "I am. not like the Italian admiral, Libertini, then," said ;Mr Marconi, laughing. ' "Libertini," he went on, '.'had won many battles and great, renown/ and at -a ball given, in his honor one lady said to another: 'But how frightfully fat our dear. admiral is getting.' :'Yes,' said the second lady. 'Isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he would not be able to wear Q& his ,mddals.' ". * * '*'■-. * . The small boy was an Imperialist, and his father had pronounced views on the question of alien immigration, so this piece o( news found: immediate acceptation: "The population of China,", announced the school .'teacher impressively, "is so vast that two Chinamen die at every breath, we take." Shortly afterwards,., he was observed to be turning purple in -the. face, and- puffing like an overburdened steam engine. "What's the matter? What are you ■, doing?" asked the instructor .anxiously. "Killin' Chinamen," grunted the patriot.A teacher in a downtown school has for her pupils the children of Russian parents. The other day she was explaining a sum in subtraction which the little ones; found difficult to understand. "Now," said she, to exemplify th'e.proposition; "suppose I had ten dollars and .went into a store to spend &• ' Say I bought a hat for five dollars. Then I spent two dollars for. gloves, and a dollar and fifty cents for some other things " How much did I have left?" For a, moment there was dead silence. Then, a boy's hand went up. "Well, Isaac, how much did I -have left?" <"Vy didn't you count your change?" said' lsaac, in a disgusted tone. ;,. '•■*,. * : *;■'•.* .'.*•. At a dinner given by the Marquis .'of Bute, among the guests was 'a \ve"U T known duke who, in full Highland dress, had his piper standing behind his chair. At dessert a. very handsome and valuable snuff-box -belonging to another : of the guests, was handed round. When the time came to return it to its owoer, the snuff-box could not be found anywhere, though a very, thorough search was_ macler The tlnke was specially anxious about it, but with no result. Some months afterward^, the duke again donned, the kilt for another public ceremony — the first iime' he had worn it since t'e abovp dinner— and happening to put his hand into his sporran he, to his utmost astonishment, found there the snuff-box which had been lost at the public dinner. Turning to his piper, the duke said: "Why, this is the -snuff-box we were all looking for! Did 'you not .see me put it awry, in my sporran?" "Yes, your grace," replied the, piper, "I did, bub I thocht ye wushed tae keep it." * ■■•■*. ' * ..».--, Senator Johnston of Alabama owns a beautiful home surrounded, by several acres in Birmingham, and takes great delight in donning a pain of overalls: and ,a ' split hickory hat and working in the garden. O'ne .day a fashionably dressed woman, who .bad resided in Birmingham ouly a short time aud had never seen Johnston, called on his wife. Xo one answered the bell, so ehe walked out among the flower beds, where the exgpvernor ; was hoeing ; some geraniums. He bowed and she asked him how .long he; 1/adJ'wdrked for the Johnstons. "A ' gbodi.riiany years, madam," he replied. 1 'Do' thejr ]3ay you well ?' ' "About all I get outJ^f it is my clothes /and keep." "Why, donie. and work for me," she said, 'Til do. that: and pay you so much a month besides." VI- thank you, madam," -'he replied; ; bowing very low, "but I signed up with Mrs Johnston for life." "Why rift, "such contract is binding. .Tthat is peonage." "Some 'may call- it ,tliati but 1 have alwaj-s called it nini 1 ; -tiage." ■■; "'•■"• ; • *•• v .■■-..■- --.. .;;.■ ... *•••-. * - *- * .. '. ; ? .-■'; IT WOUID'T WORK. ' On th& mighty deep. Thegreat ocean liner rolled and pitched. ; "Henry,'-' faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?" "More than ever, darling," was Henry's fervent; answer. „ Then there was an eloquent silence. "Henry," she gasped, turningiher pale, ghastly face away, "I thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"- ,».'■. * ■*■■*_.« * LOOKING BACKWARD. The reporter of a big London daily was interviewing a Crimean veteran in Chelsea Hospital the other day. "I see the trace of a sc^r along your left cheek, sir," said the newsman, "that must have been an interesting story-." . • "Oh! I don't know," said the moclesr, warrior. "How did you get it?" "Well, you see, replied the. old -man, "after I had run abputamile I got kind o' careless and looked back." * « * ■■#•■. WHERE THE MONEY WENT. An American farmer asked a negro farm hand the cause of his worried and harassed expression. . "De trubbul, boss," said the negro, "is mah wife. .She is de stravagantest person I. knows. She is alvhis arter money. Money dis, en money dat,s en mo' money. She comes to me fur one dollar, en she wants two dollars, en fo hit goes." "But, Joe," inquired the boss, "what does she do with all this money?" "Well, de, fac' is, boss," explained Joe, "I ain't give 'er none yit !" * * ■ * * THE PRESENT PERISHED. Six-year-old Harry wanted to buy his sister a little Christinas present. ' His heart throbbed with joy at the thought, though he had in his pocket only twopence. Nevertheless, he went round the shops, and came back with a very satisfied look. His mother asked him what he had bought. "I got her a cream puff,' he said. '•Well, you know, Harry," said Ivs mas. ' "That's what I thought after I bought it mother," replied -Harry, calmly, "and so I ate it." ' ' ' •1 S H I IO 111" 11 fsi-l I.uoav iuu/},, '.loq-join * * ■«■ # # ; HIS SHARE. A gamekeeper found a boy fishing in his master's private waters. "You mustn't fish here!" he exclaimed. "These waters belong to Hie Earl of A-^~" "Do they? I adidn't know that," replied the culprit; nnd, laying aside his rod, he took up a book and commenced reading. ... The keeper departed, but on returning about an hour afterwards, he found the same youth had started fishing again. "Do you understand that this water belongs to the Earl of- A ?" he roared. "Why, you told me that an hour ago !" exclaimed the- angler, in surprise. 'Surely the whole river don't belong to him? His share went by long ago '." * • * •..• ■ ■■ » ♦ HE WOULDN'T WASTE IT. When Gomersal and Conquest took the Garrick Theatre, Leman Street, Whitechapel, they agreed to abide by one hard and fast rule, and that was no free admissions were to be given by either. One evening Paul Herring", the celebrated clown, asked to be passed in free. "I'm sony," said Gomersal, who was in front, "but I cannot, Paul; its against the rules ; but, as I don't like to refuse an old friend, there's a shitlinq to pay with.'*"' h "Thanks," said Paul. "What are you ■flaying?" "The Dumb Man of Manchester " said Gomersal. "And who plays Tom?" "I do, of course." "And," said Paul, "do you think I'm going to pay a good honest shilling to 5-ee you tryijig to struggle through a part like that? No; I'd sooner go and have a drink with it." .And he did/

WHY BABY BEHAVED. A clergyman credits a married college girl with an original and pracfcictl idea. '•Recently," the clergyman said, "I christened her first baby. Now, babies usually cry while they are being christened; but this one was as quiet as a lamb. Throughout the ceremony it smiled up beautifully into my face. " 'Madam,' I said to the young mother ..at the christening's end, 'I must congratulate yon on. your little one's behav- ... iour. I have christened more than two thousand babies, but I o never - be- i ifore christened one that behaved so well as yours.' <. ■■. . • "'No wonder he behaved well,' the: young mother said, smiling . demurely, 'His father and I, with a pail of water, t have been practising christening on him for the 'last ten days.'" , , * '•-- * ■ . •» . ■ * ■.*-■•■>•■■.■ 1 . VERY ANNOYING. ' When the fire brigade, in response to an alarm, reached the long row*- of ten'e- T -* ments, the captain at once jumped from his engine and endeavored to locate the fire. When he had ineffectually hunted l through three or four structures for ity she descried an old womna sticking her i head out of a window of the topinost , floor -of an eight-storey tenement/' .; a i little 1 farther xip the street.' i "Any fire up there?" he yelled, when he had reached the pavement beneath the building. ■ In. answer, the old woman motioned for him to come up. ' Accordingly, the captain, with his men lugging their heavy hose behind/them, laboriously ascended the eight flights .> and burst into the room wheref the- void woman was. . •',-. ; "Where's the fire,' demanded the ' captain, when no fire or smoke became visible. ; ■-•'..- - >..-' : "Oh, there ain't none here," replied the old woman, flashing an ear-trumpet; '; "I asked ,y' up 'cause I couldn't heat: a word you -said away down tliere!" •; \ ,'■»•'■ *.-■ '».■'...-.■■*•■■'• ■•'. . ' : ,' SETTLING HIS ACCOUNT. ' A lawyer in a Western ATiierican town interested himself in the case of a man accused of murder. As a result, the culprit, who had had much 1 provocation, got off very lightly. Six months afterwards a man, armed to trie teeth, appeared in the lawyer's loffice. . . . '. " . -r "Are you Lawyer Ri ?" he roared. , "Yes,", was the reply^ . ..•■".'. ..:..-. . "And are you" the. fellow that helped Dingo Jack at Court?" llie lawyer, thinking his time had come, again answered— ' • "Yes." ■ ..-■ ■.;.!•:■ •;. -. .. :. ' .1/ . "Well," said the man with the guns and knives, "I'm Jack's pardner, 'an' I've come to pay you. I haven't any money, but I'm a man of honor. Anybody in town you don't like?" ,: ■■'■■: The other assured him there was not; ; but the man looked., incredulous, arid 'said—- -. . \ '.. .--■■•. '•<- ... ' i j "Put on your hat, and take a wnlkV* w)th me. See anybody you don't like, just po.int him out, an' Til pop him." SLIPPED INTO A SUIT. !' ;■ A story is related of an ambitious i : gentleman, who, rather unwisely, stood as : '. a candidate- for some office, and who at i the close of the poll was found to have ! received only one vote. The candidate ' ,was excessively mortified, and, to in- ! ereae his chagrin, his neighbors talked ' '•as if it were a matter of course that he had given that one vote himself. /This annoyed him so much that he . .offered a .t-w6-and-a>half guinea suit of 'l f clothes to his only supporter if the indi. ' ' vidual would come forward and declare' '' himself. ' . .; ." ' \'■' • | An Irishman responded to this appeal, proved, his claim, and called for the re- i! -ward. \ •■• • - • ' "How did it happenf inquired the candidate, taken quite by surprise. "How did it' happen th'at you voted for me?" ' ' '■.""-. ; The Hibernian hesitated, but only being pressed he answered. ■ . "... '■ - ■ /'lf Oi tell v yez, yo won't go back bri ■ the suit o' clothes?" ' ; x V " On , '.rib: I promise that you shall the suit, anyhow." . , ' "Faix, then, yer honor, v ' replied Pat', smite. Oi made a mistake in the ballotpaper." ■ ,