HINTS TO MARRIED MEN.

Patea Mail, Volume IX, Issue 118, 12 October 1896, Page 2

HINTS TO MARRIED MEN.

(Written especially for tlie County Press, by Lady Cook, nee Tennessee Claflin.)

It is an axiom of jurisprudence that rights have their corresponding duties. This fact, however, is often lost sight of. We are all very tenacious of our rights, but do not think, to the same extent of our duties. Married men are invested by law and custom with extraordinarypowers over their wires. It is evident therefore, that their duties should bearsome due proportion to these. It is not supposed to be that all men insist on the privileges. Some are con** tent with less than the law allows them ; others demand more. All depends upon their temperament and whether their notions accord with advanced modem views or with those of the past. It is no uncommon thing for a workman to castigate his wife with a stick or any othr-r handy weapon, and reports say that in higher circles corporal punishment is still occasionally inflicted. Until recently it was commonly believed that a b'asband could seize his straying wife whenever he might find her, and compel her by force to re-enter his home and submit herself to bis will. More than that, that he could lock her up in solitary confinement and for as long as he pleased. One man, bolder than most, lately kept his wife in the kitchen, and his mistress upstairs; but the judges have exploded rights like these. Now and then some rustic, in good faith, sells his wife in open market with a halter around her neck, and all parties, buyer, seller, and sold, appear to regard it as a legitimate transaction, sanctioned by ancient custom. We smile at the folly of these poor creatures, yet tuany of their superiors insist en privileges almost as inequitable if not quite so ridiculous. What is to be desired, however, to render marriage more successful in its results is the equalization of conjugal rights, and a moral reciprocation of conjugal duties. The first thing to be got rid of is the idea that the husband has any property in the wife that the wife does not possess in the husband If he is entitled to her exclnsive love and regard, so is she to his. if he has a right to look for unfailing tenderness and affectionate courtesies at her hands, she has the same right to' expect them equally from him. Many bus** bauds seem to think that they may be sour and grumpy, harsh and inattentive to their wives, but that these at the same time ought to be all sweetness and comcompliance. This is impossible except they are fools, or such conduct be feigned from policy or fear, like that of Katharine, the reformed shrew. She could t sa y to the married lady

Thy husband ta thy lord, thv iif 6| thy keeper* Thy head, thy sovereign, one that Cares for thee And for thy maintenance: commits his body To painful labour, both by sea and land; To watch the night storms, the day in cold. While thou keep’st warm at home, secure and safe; And craves no other tribute at thy hands, But love, fair looks, and true obedience ; Too little payment for so great a debt Such duty as the subject owes the Prince, Even such, a woman oweth to her husband; But when she’s froward, peevish, sullen, sour. And not obedient to his honest will, What is she but a foul contending rebel, And graceless traitor to her loving lord? But the day of the patient Oriseldas is over. Keoiprocity is the spring and mainstay of domestic happiness, and here as elsewhere, whatsoever a man sows, that he also reaps. Imitating the quotation above, the men say: We Work for our wives; we go to business from early till late; we plough and sow, buy and sell, coop ourselves up in smoky factories or dingy offices, brave heat and cold and wear ourselves out for them, while they enjoy the comforts of home. Therefore we can fairly claim their gratitude, their obedience, and a larger measure of forbearance towards our faults. Some go further, and say with f etruchio

I will be master of what is mine own ; She is my goods, my chattels ; she is my house, My household staff, my field, my bam, My horse, my ox, my ass, my anything. But, rightly considered, it will be found that these pleas are neither true in fact nor in equity. The cases and responsibilß ties of married life are equally divided between the sexes as most things are, and if so, neither should claim such absolute supremacy or superiority over the other, As women we are willing to concede much, but we also look to receive the same. Single men take a large share in the field of labour, and married women* even those in affluent circumstances, do not lead such lazy lives as they are said to do, unless they completely ignore thei l duties The cares of a household are not light, whether the wife does the work herself or sees to its being done by others. They may appear small in themselves taken singly, but their number, their dull monotony, and the incessant watchfulness required, wear the health more than those greater and more spirited occupations which fall to the husbands. In addition, there are the disadvantages of childbearing 3 with all its pains and dangers, and tbi never-ceasing control ol young children, often sickly and always troublesome. Men usually have the pleasure of companionship in their work, but wives saldam, and their loneliness makes their lot the heavier. We are sure if husbands and wives could change places, the wives would be delighted with the ease and freedom of their new position, unless, as is probable, the husbands should go maa. There is a popular story of a rustic coup it who tried it, and the good man, aftu making a nice hash of his worir, heggea to be reinstated in the only office ici which he was tit, after which he neyet a-ain despised his wife’s homely duties. yVe trust the husbands will forgive toe uncomplimentary truth when wo say that there is too often a large amount of imposture in the account of their labours. Those that have boen behind the scene* "know that, when it is possible, married men do not spend nearly so much time on duty as they pretend, and that they manage to squeeze a considerable amount 01 recreation in ‘ one form or another into their day’s work. It is not very easy for two people to live so familiarly as husband and wife fo/ ong without occasional differences of opinion, displays of temper, and other causes of friction. There may be a few 111 this world eligible for the Burunov; Flitch but they must be rare indeed, ano it must be a question whether, if it exists, the serenity of such dispositions as then* is desirable; whether, in fact, it does not more resemble the muddy surface of the stagnant pool than the crisp and crystalline cheeriness of the running brook. Wt distrust such perfect natures, and prefer those more human and less angelic. It husband and wife really love each otner they love none the less for a conjugal tin now and then, so that it be m moderation and not too frequent. Old lerenc* knew this more than two thousand year* a o*o when he wrote for the manned ana single of Carthage, what every schoolboy learns in his Latin grammar now: “ Amantinm irae amoris integratio est fthe falling-out of lovers is the revival oi love). Bat forbearance is always a virtue notwithstanding, and always profitable, and should he expected even more from the husband than the who, it it do true that she is the weaker ves.se*. If the husband treats his wife as if sin were a child it proves either that he treat her unjustly, or that he has made a bao selection. The woman who cannot lx trusted is unfit to he a wife. If his goods and honour are not safe 111 her keeping, in whose should they he . And the sun way to make the honest faithless, whether it be a wife, or friend or servant is to show an unmerited distrust. We ab desnide unfounded suspicions, and fee) fSy esteem lor those who hold the,,. But wh.en husband is mistrustful without a pause and treats a wife more like a dishonest housekeeper than as his closes and dearest companion, we must not expect her to love him much or long. Sger may be forgiven, but meanness or baseness never. , Why does a man many but to be happier to have a cosy home as a quiet refuge Lm the selfish and stormy world, where the woman of his love welcomes her chaste embraces, and Ins hspm 0 httle ones climb his faces for kisses. What state in life can be holier or » acre humanizing than this ? Where else or how else can a man find his earthly Eden Yet there are thousands of miserable husband, who might have been the happiest of men so far as their wives are concerned, but for their own weak principles and vagrant habits Polygamists by nature, what Sffave ttfy to pretend to a love for one only ? Utterly selfish, how dare they take a gentle and loving woman into marriage which is hateful if not ammatea by the widest liberality. Those mean ana narrow although rich, how can they expect a generous woman to bend anc dwarf her nature to theirs . J But to such a wife we may say in the warning words of Tennyson

Yet shall it be, thou shalt lower to his level day by day, What W hue within thee growing coarse to sympathise with clay. As the husband, the wife is : thou art mated with a clown,^ And the grossness of his nature will have weight to drag thee dowin TTq will hold thee, when his passion shall have spent its novel force. Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse. _ r’nrspd he the social wants that sin against the strength of youth, Cursed be the social lies that warp ns from the living truth ! Cursed be the sickly forms that err from honest Nature’s rule 1 Oursed be the gold that gilds the straitened forehead of the fool I jjfc £he man who has secured a worthy wife" treat her worthily, and she will Llv increase in worth Let him share pi, joys with her, and she mil gladly share his sorrows. Let him be tender, and her tenderness will never lad him. Let him be true, and he will find her evoi faithful. But selfish neglect or studied indifference soon develop from contempt to insult, and are often able to destroy the most unblemished characters and tne homes that should have been bnghtesv. A good husband, however, will tool a J JSes Bussell Lowell wrote m his sweet .Jjttje poem, “ 2dy k° ve

I love her with a love as still As a broad river’s peaceful night, Which, by high tower and lowly mill Goes wandering at its own sweet will, And yet doth ever flow aright. And on its full deep breast serene Like quiet isles my duties lie ; It flows around them and between, And makes them fresh and fair and green, Sweet homes wherein to live and die.