Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4042, 1 September 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

NO USE CALLING. The Scots dramatic society was producing a tragedy “ with full lighting effects.” One of the big scenes depicted the wronged hero lying in a dark cell. In the dim light he was seen to stir and to exclaim, ‘‘At last the dawn.” Nothing happened. “At last the dawn,” repeated the hero in a slightly louder voice. At this juncture the perspiring amateur in charge of the lights appeared in the wings and said crossly : “ It's no good you bletherin’ aboot the dawn. The sun’ll no’ licht.” WHY SHOULD HE? , For three solid hours the captain had /been lecturing his men on “ the duties of a soldier,’’ and he thought it was time to see how much they had understood of his discourse. Casting his eyes round the company, he fixed on Private Green. Captain : “ Private Green, why should a soldier be ready to die for his country?” The man scratched his head for a moment and then a smile of enlightenment crossed his face. Green: “Yes, sir. You’re quite right; why should he ? ” HIS CHOICE. The doctor gazed down at his patient and shook his head sadly. “ What kind of a nurse do you want ? ” he asked. “ Did you wire for my wife to come and see me ? ’’ inquired the patient. “ Yes, we did that,” said the doctor. “ Then I think I’d better have a plain nurse,” replied the other. CAN YOU REVERSE? Have you ever noticed how a lamb, the most timorous of animals, will become suddenly brave when badly frightened ? Well, that is what young Bingle is like. Bingle is so nervous that it almost amounts to a disease. He was at a party the other night, and sat against a wall between two charming girls, twiddling his thumbs round each other i n a fever of fright. But it was very annoying. “Do you always do that at a dance ? ” asked one of the girls, unable to stand it any longer., . “ Er—no,” stuttered Bingle. “ Sometimes ”■—twiddling his thumbs i n the reverse direction—“ Ido it this way ! ” SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Old Irishwoman (grumbling at the amount offered for her chickens) : “ Yer a thafe, Mr Murphy ! Share, if I had them lubly birds in Derry I’d git half a crown a piece for them.” Dealer : “ Shore, indeed, ye might. Mrs M'Ginty, an’ if ye had a bucket of wather in hell ye might git a poun’ a glass for it ! ” DOG STORY. A lady had lost her favourite poodle, and in much distress notified the police. Next day a constable appeared at her flat with the wet and bedraggled little dog in tow. “ Oh,” exclaimed the owner in grqat joy, “ where did you find him ? ” “ Well, mum,” said the constable, “as a matter of fact, a shopkeeper down the road had him on the end of a pole and was washing windows with him.’’ BAD. Mrs Smith: “Mrs Brown, lend"me a drop of vinegar.” Mrs Brown : ■“ I’m sorry, but I haven’t any in the house.” Mrs Smith : “What a bad housekeeper you must be ! Whenever I come to borrow a bit of anything, you haven’t any.” PROOF. The assistant in the wireless shop was endeavouring to see a very expensive set to a customer. “Can you get Barcelona with it?” asked the client. “ Oh, yrs,” said the assistant, airily, as lie twirled the controls. When he had set the tuning dial correctly all that resulted was a particularly fierce barrage of atmospherics. The customer waited for a moment and then observed gently, “Hear ,’em cracking their nuts ? ” EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY. Brown noticed that .Tones, his fellow- ' -clerk, was looking very sad and downhearted. “Anything wrong, old boy ? ” he asked*. Jones nodded gloomily. “ It’s my girl,’’ he replied. “Dropped you, eh.?” asked Brown. “ No,” went ou Jones. “ I showed her a photograph of myself as a boy sitting on my father’s knee ’’ “Nothing wrong in that,” interrupted Brown. “No, that’s what I thought,” said the other; “but she asked who the ventrilo- > -quist was.” DID SHE? “ Don’t you remember me ? ” asked the ■charming lady sitting next to the profesor at dinner. “ Why,' some years ago you asked me to marry you.” “Ah, yes.” said the professor vaguely; “ but you didn’t —did you ? ” THE REAL NEED. “Need any help?” asked the passing ■motorist. ‘‘Yes.” replied the man as he lifted a grimy face from under the hood, “I’d be obliged to you if you’d answer my wife’s, ■questions whil» I’m trying to get this engine to” run.”

ASK DAD, HE KNOWS. “The husband ought to have a voice in the furnishing of the home,” says a' woman writer. Oh, but he does—the invoice. LOVE OF MOTHER. A man will need a mother In ev’ry hour of living. There never is another So giving, and forgiving. Oh, sweet the dreams of lovers, And younger lips are clever, And yet a man discovers But one love lives for ever— The less he hears her, less He heeds her, The more he learns how much He needs her. A man may have a mother, And yet not have her, even Perhaps may have no other _ Than one who dwells in heaven. Yet, when the new love leaves him, To seek some other passion, Or when the old deceives him, As all loves have a fashion, He knows that somewhere far Above him A little mother leans To love him. The. memory of mother, _ Oh, keep it ever brighter; You’ll never find another, A truer love, a whiter, To cheer you and to save you. Let still her arms enfold you— Remember all she gave you, , Remember all she told* you. The time will never come, _My brother, You will not need the love Of mother. —Douglas Malloch, in Tit Bits. HIS SIGNATURE. A man went into a shop to buy a fountain pen. He tried one particular style of nib and wrote several times upon the proffered sheet of paper “ Tempus Fugit.” The smart young saleswoman, noting his expression of doubt, offered him another pen, _ saying, “ Perhaps you like a broader point, Mr Fugit,” TAKING PRECAUTIONS. An old lady in church was seen to bow whenever the name of Satan was mentioned. One day the minister met her and asked why she did so. “ Well,” she replied. “ politeness costs nothing, and—you never know ! ” NOT TO BE TAKEN IN. “King’s Cross,” said a countryman at a “ tube ■’ booking office as he put down half a crown. “ Change ■ at Holborn,” said the clerk. “Eh? "’ exclaimed the countryman, pushing back the ticket. . “ Change at Holborn.” repeated the clerk. “ Look ’ere,” said the countryman, “ I want my change ’ere, else there'll be trouble ! ’’ BETWEEN TWO FIRES. The old gentleman stopped beside the small boy who sat on the park seat crying for all he was worth. Why are you crying, sonny ? ” he asked tenderly. “ B-boo,” blubbed the child. “I’ve just found sixpence.” “ But you need not cry about that,” said the old gentleman. “If I had found ■sixpence I would think I was very lucky.” “Yes: but you don’t understand,” murmured the boy. “If I give it to mother, father will spank me; if it give it to father, mother will spank me, and if I keep it myself they will both spank me.” THERE’S NO PERFECT CRIME. Betty : “ How did mamma find out you didn’t really take a bath ? ” Billy : “ I forgot to wet the soap.” MONEY-MAKING. That mouth organ you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I’ve had. uncle.” “ I’m glad to hear that.” “Yes; mother gives me a shilling a week not to play it.” FLAT IN PARTS. Not many of our modern women are as ignorant as the wife of the motorist who suspected from the uneasy running of the car that something was wrong. To his wife he said : “ I say. dear, just hop out for a moment, will you, and see if the back tyres are all right ? ” The lady complied. “ One of them,” she said on her return. “ is flat at the foot, but it’s perfectly all right at the top.” CAUTION. Professor Notes : “What is the rent of this room, including the use of the piano ? ” Landlady : “Well, perhaps you’d be so good as to play me something first.” CUTTING ACCORDING TO THE CLOTH. “ Hello, is that Jones ? asked the voice at one end of the telephone. Jones said it was. “Come and have a round of golf.?” asked the first voice. “I’m sorry.” replied Jones, “but I’m afraid I can’t. You see, I’m in halfmourning. “ Oh ! ” dubiously from the other end. Then brightly, “ Oh, well, what about nine holes ? ”

OBEYING ORDERS. A police constable had not been a member of the force for long when he was put On trap duty, being instructed to watch ■ the road very carefully and to take the numbers of all motorists who exceeded the speed limit. On his way back to headquarters he caused no little excitement passing through the streets in a highly dishevelled condition with a dozen or more number plates under each arm. UNFORTUNATE. The two friends met at lunch. “ I say, Tom,” said Dick, “ you’re looking rather miserable this morning. Anything wrong ? ’’ “ I’ve just had my fortune told,” replied Tom miserably. “ Well, I must say I wouldn’t let that worry me,” put in Dick. “Why, those sort of people only guess it.” “ Maybe some of them do,” came the reply; “ but this was my bank manager, and he didn’t guess.” SAVING TIME. A Scottish business man in London was entertaining a friend to lunch. The friend observed : “ I haven’t seen you for some months, but it strikes me you are talking a good deal faster than you used to.” The Scot laughed. “ I believe you’re right,” he said. “ You see, I have to telephone to New York once a week nowadays.” A TYPICAL TRICK. After the open golf championship had been lost and won ip was announced that Joe Kirkwood, the celebrated exponent of trick shots, would give an exhibition of his prowess, and that a collection for charity would be taken. The money was safely gathered in, but owing to a misunderstanding Kirkwood did not appear, and after waiting an hour the crowd dispersed, one of them observing gloomily: “Is this one- of Joes tricks ? ” DR BROWN’S BOY. A boy went to a chemist’s shop to use the telephone, and the chemist overheard him call up Dr Brown and ask if he wanted a boy. “Are you quite satisfied with your’ present boy ? ” the lad inquired, and after getting a reply he answered, “ Oh, then I don’t think I need trouble you any further, thank you.” . The chemist at once offered him work. “ Oh, I don’t want a job,” the boy replied. " Why, you young beggar, you have just asked for a job,” said the chemist, “ You see, I am Dr Brown’s boy, and I just wanted to see how I stood.” WINDY. First Catty Woman : “ I wonder hew old Mrs Peters really is ? ” Second Catty Wotnan : “ Well, if she had a birthday cake it would- take a cyclone to blow out the candles.” CANDID. A nervous old lady was buying a portable wireless set. “ Now, do you definitely assure me,” she asked, looking anxiously' at the instrument, “ that I shan’t get a shock ? ” “ Madam,” said the assistant impressively, “ I do definitely assure you that you won’t get a shock—until you hear some of the programmes.” HIS EXCUSE. Housewife : “Fancy a big strapping fellow like you asking for money. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Beggar : “ I am, ma’am. But once I got twelve months for taking it without asking.” GEORGE FOR SHORT. She rang the bell and the secretary appeared. “ Do you wish to see Abdullah el Rajamatru, the great Hindu clairvoyant ? ” the secretary asked the caller. The latter nodded her head impatiently. “Ay, that I do an’ all, young man,” she said. “ Tell George it’s his sister from Wigan wants to see him.” FAIRY CHARIOT. Hotel Garage Man (to fusser about midget car) : “All right, sir, all right! I’ll see that it’s refilled and washed and polished, and if you like I’ll have it left outside your bedroom door with your boots in the morning. THE BITTER TRUTH. Teacher : “If coal is two pounds a ton and you pay the dealer ten pounds, how many tons does he bring you ? ” Willie : “ Four tons.” Teacher : “ You know that isn’t right.” Willie: “It ain’t right, but they do it.” SPOKE FOR ITSELF. Higgs was anxious to purchase a car, and Potts was equally anxious to sell him his own vehicle. Finally a trial run was arranged. Potts sent the car rattling and squeaking along the road, and all the time he did his best to convince Higgs it was a great bargain he was offering. “ There you are,”’ he said at last, “ a rattling fine car for you. Sound in every part,” “ So I hear,” shot back Higgs. WANTED: WIFE-PROOF PANTS. Mrs A : “My husband has no idea what I go through when he snores.” Mrs B : “ Mine never misses his small change, either.” LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING. Lunatic : “Get ready to die. I am going to shoot you.” “ Why ? ” “I always said I’d shoot anyone that looked like me.” “ Do T look like vou ? ” “ Yes.” “ Then shoot.”

OBEYING ORDERS. A man contracted to do a job for a Government department, it being understood that the contractor would be allowed to submit a bill showing “ extra ” expenses incurred. One item on this expense sheet was : “ One porter, sixpence.” The department objected to this item on the score that they could not be expected to pay for his occasional drinks. The contractor replied that a porter had carried his bag. The department, in allowing the charge, stated that in future, to avoid confusion, he must describe such expenses under the heading of “Porterage.” Later the contractor carried out another job for the department, and in forwarding his expenses on this occasion there occurred the item : “To one cabbage, 25.” ITS REPERCUSSION. Pupil : “ You think I ought to insure my voice ? ” Professor : “ Yes, against third-party risks.” JUST ANOTHER BAWLING OUT. Judge: “The traffic 'officer says you got sarcastic with him.” Mr Nagger : “ But I didn’t intend to be. He talked to me like my wife does, and I forgot myself and answered, ‘ Yes, my dear.’ ” GENTLE REBUKE. Client ; “I thought you were to be ready, for me at 11 o’clock.” Hairdresser’s Assistant (undefeated) : “Madame is a little punctual for her appointment, is she not ? ” PERSEVERANCE MERITS REWARD. Husband : “ I’ve got to get rid of my chauffeur; he’s nearly killed me four times.” . Wife : “ Oh, give him another chance.” THE PARENT BUSINESS. When it comes to raising, children, I’ve a notion of my own. The parents of the youngsters should agree. If the mother says, “ You may not ! ” in her most decided tone, The answer of the father, “No ! ” should be, For no home can ever flourish or hold lasting happiness Where the father’s “ No ” is cancelled by a doting mother’s “Yes.” Start it early and keep at it ! Never venture to divide, Even though you think the verdict may be wrong; If you’d like to grant the pleasure which the mother has denied, Let her be the one to say : “ M 7 ell, run along ! ” And, oh, mother, if you think the dad a trifle too severe With the verdict he has given, do not rush to interfere. Oh, this job of being parents calls for courage and for tact, And the sense to be untempted by a whim; The mother by the father in her verdicts must be backed, _ And she must very often bolster him. For what is right and proper how can children ever guess When the mother and the father can’t agree on “ no ” and “ yes ” ? —Edgar A. Guest, in an exchange. PERFECT JAZZ INSTRUMENT. “ Don’t you love the sweet moan of the saxophonist ? ’’ “ I’d rather hear his death-rattle.” MODERN CAMPING. Willis : “ Hello, where have you been ? ” Gillis : “Just got back from a camping trip.” Willis : “ Roughing it, eh ? ” Gillis : “ I’ll say so ! Why, one day our portable dynamo went off and we had no hot water, electric lights, ice, heat, or radio for almost two hours ! ” KEEPING HIS TEMPER. He was badly bunkered. He whacked and smacked, and hacked and cracked, but the ball would not come out. He had already taken thirty-seven over the third hole. He tried lofters and brassies and cleeks and putters, but all to no avail. And he spoke never a word. Then, with the light of madness in his eyes, he took his clubs and smashed them one by one across his knee. The caddie nodded approvingly. “Aye, man ! ” he said, sagaciously. “ Ye’ve the speerit a’ richt. It’s better to break your clubs than lose your temper ! ” NO NOVELTY. Wifey : “ There’s an old clothes man at the door.” Hubby : “ Tell him I’ve got all I need.” WASTED ELOQUENCE. The Park orator made frequent references to Darwin’s “Origin of Species.” A tall man and his short companion hung on to the outskirts of the crowd, but were unable to get near the speakei'. “ What’s his lay, Bill ? ” asked the small man, tired of craning his neck to no purpose. “ Eat more fruit, I think,” replied the other. “All he keeps talking about is Darwin’s oranges and peaches.” ONE AGAINST THE LAW. The charge that was being heard in court was one of dangerous driving. “So you were speeding, which means you were driving to the common danger,” said the magistrate to the man in the dock. “ How many times have you been before me ? ” . The ,man in the dock shrugged his shoulders. “ Never, your Worship,” he replied. “I’ve often tried to pass you on the road, but my bus will only do about sixty miler an hour.”

NOBODY. “It’s funny, Mabel,” he said, as they one-stepped in the dance ball, “but that chap over there has been following us about all the time. Who is he, and what is he after ? ” “ That miserable-looking, half-starved fellow in the spotted tie ? ” remarked Mabel, casually. “ Don’t worry about him; he’s only the fellow who paid for me to come in.” ALL THE DIFFERENCE. At a two-day holiday race meeting not far from London a betting man believed he had certain definite information and made a pretty steep bet on one of the races. To his annoyance and chagrin his horse was not even placed. He went to see the owner. “ Look here,” he said, “ I thought vou were winning to-day certain ? ” “ Oh, no,” said the owner in genuine astonishment, “ you must have made a mistake. It’s to-morrow were winning.” THE TEST. Man (in hospital) : “Are you a trained nurse ? ” Nurse : “Yes.” Man : “ Well, let’s see some of vour tricks.” HER DREAD. “My wife has had another bad attack of toothache,” Brown informed his friend. “ But she’s always having them,” said his friend. “ Why doesn’t she go to a dentist ? Is she afraid of the pain ? ” “ No, she thinks that her age can be told by her teeth, like a horse’s.” NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. The vicar was deprecating at his Sunday school class the disrespect shown to parents by children who referred to them m slang phrases. "I think it is very painful to hear children speak of their father as ‘the old man.’ After all, what’s the matter with father ’ ? ” Small Boy (involuntarily): “He's all right.” GAVE HIM A PAIN. They met in the park. One looked strong and healthy, the other pale and hungry-looking. “ My,” said the healthy man, “ but you’re looking half-starved, old man.” “ Yes,” murmured his companion. “ The doctor has forbidden my wife to cook.” „ is she ill ? ” asked the other. No; but I am,” came the solemn HIS PARTING SHOT. An employer once had occasion to discharge a servant for dishonesty, and, having made an unsuccessful attempt to vindicate his character, the latter said mournfully : “Ah, sir, you will miss me before I have gone lialf an hour ! ” “ I shan’t mind that,” answered the employer cheerfully, “ if I don’t miss anything else ! ” THINKING OF THE FUTURE. A famous speaker lectured to the members of a certain society, and at the end of his address the secretary approached him with a cheque. This the lecturer politely refused, saying that it might be devoted to some charitable purpose. “Would you mind,” asked the secretary,_“ if we add it to our special fund ? ” “Not at all,” replied the lecturer. ‘ What, is the special fund ? ” “ To enable us to get better lecturers next year,” came the reply. REASON. A well-known business man went to his club every afternoon and ordered a glass of which he drank with closed eyes. This eccentricity had been commented upon by members from time to time. At last one of the more daring of them thought he might get an explanation of this oft-repeated peculiarity. Approaching the business man, he'said: “Tou come here every afternoon at the same hour and order a glass of whisky. There’s nothing extraordinary in that, but do tell us why you close your eyes when you drink it.” “Well,” was the reply, “it’s like this: when I see a glass of whisky it makes my mouth water, and I don’t care to dilute it.” THE LEEK. Sir Lionel Earle, whose retirement from the post of permanent secretary of the Office of Works (England) is foreshadowed, was taking a Welshman over the War Office on one occasion, wdien the visitor, gazing at the exterior architectural ornamentations. remarked : “ I see the national emblems, the rose and the. thistle; but I do not see the leek.” It s there, all right,” retorted Sir Lionel, “ but the leak is in the roof.” JUST LIKE A WOMAN. The two neighbours were discussing their wives. . “ So your wife is getting absent-minded, eh ? ” said Thomas. “ That’s about the only solution I can find to the problem,” returned Grey. “ Have you any real proof ? ” inquired Thomas. “.Only this,” came from Gray. “ The other day I gave her some money to get me some shirts and socks, and she came ■back about three hours later with a new hat.” KNEW THE TRICKS. “You know, mum,” said little Hector, ‘ dad must have been up to all sorts of mischief when he was a boy like me.” “ What makes you think so, my son ? ” asked his mother. Hector looked very thoughtful. “Well,” he went on, “he always knows exactly what questions to ask me when he wapts to know where I’m going and what I’ve been doing.” A NEW DEFINITION. A pessimist is a fellow who shares lodgings with an optimist.