Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4039, 11 August 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

THE LIMITATIONS OF SUBTLE CRAFT. Fortune Teller : “In the .configurations on your palm, lady, I can trace your future husband.’’ Client : “ Really ! Then perhaps you can also trace my present one; I can’t.” YES, WHERE? The open golf championship at Carnoustie _ was followed by a number of people ignorant of the game. Two such—ladies, regretfully to say—were standing in a sand pit watching the putting on a green, when a steward came along. “Take care pf the bunkers,” he said wrathfully. “ Oh, certainly,” said one with a charming smile, “ where are they ? ” HIS LIVING. Judge: “You have been arrested 15 times for theft. Can’t you leave off this vice ? ” Accused : “ It is my only means of earning a living.” LETTING OFF STEAM. “ How’s that new office boy of yours ? ” asked Mr Shareholder. “A regular steam engine I ” replied the junior partner. The other look puzzled. “A good worker, eh ? ” “No; a good whistler.” MISSING. “What did your fiance say when you said you would have no money when you married ? ” “ I don’t know—he has never been since.” A SCARECROW, NO LESS. One of the competitors in the open golf championship turned up in an exceedingly chic and original colour scheme. Two local men, farmers, eyed him with deep misgiving. “ What do ye think o’ him, Willie ? ” asked one. “Well,” replied -the other, “he’s maybe no’ a very guid golfer, but he’d do fine in my turnip field.’’ ABSENT-MINDED. “So you’ve bought another car, professor ? ” “Yes; I couldn’t remember exactly where I parked the old one.” STILL PECKING. Henpeck (beaming): “ Hurrah ! I have won £lO,OOO in a lottery.” Mrs Henpeck : “ Where did you get the money to buy the ticket ? ” RUDE. A lady was trying to console her friend. “ But, my dear lady, you should not allow your grief to overcome you. Remember your husband is far happier in the other world.’’ “ Maybe he is, but I think you are exceedingly rude to say such a thing tome.” THE SAME THING. The leader-writer of a newspaper of solid renown encountered a colleague of his earlier days who was a successful novelist. “ Hello,” said the leader-writer, “ and what are you doing nowadays ? ’’ The nevelist was rather annoyed by the other’s ignorance of his success, and so he replied suavely, “ Oh, I’m doing the same as you are . ~ . writing fiction.” EASY. “ Can I marry your daughter ? ” Can you lend me a fiver ? ” “ Yes.” “ Yes.” 1 / GEOGRAPHY WITHOUT TEARS. Young Wife : “ Going out again ? Two years ago you said I was your whole world.” Husband : Yes, but it is surprising how much geography one can learn in two years.” DIRTY. Auctioneer : “ Real gold watches for ten shillings. A bargain, because they are the work of Swiss apprentices.’’ Man (after buying one): “What a dirty trick those Swiss apprentices have played their master.” Auctioneer : “ What is that ? ” Man : “ They have inscribed the watches ‘ Made in Germany.’ ” SOMETHING ALWAYS WRONG. Actors are sometimes considered rather finicking and touchy fellows. In a London restaurant well favoured by “ the profession ” a regular diner called the manager one day and complained petulantly about the waiter’s rudeness. “ Well,” said the manager indulgently, for he knew his man, “I’m glad you picked oh the waiter for a change. You -usually grouse about the food.” CAPACITY. Lady: “I want to buy some oysters, ■sir. Dealer : “ Large or small size, ma’am?” i ° y I’ m n °t sure as to size, out they're for a man with a size sixteen collav."

CAUSE FOR ASTONISHMENT. " Your niethods of cultivation are hopelessly out of date/’ said the youthful agricultural college graduate to the old farmer. “ Why, I’d be astonished if you got even ten pounds of apples from that tree.” would I,” replied the farmer. ’ It s a pear tree.” SELLING THE SURPLUS. Angler : “ What do you think of these beauties ? ” Wife : “ You needn’t try to deceive me. Mrs Smith saw you in the fishmonger’s.” Angler : "I know she did. I caught so many I simply had to sell some.” WHITE-COATED REFEREE. I.he traffic police in a certain large city wear long white waterproof coats on wet clays. On one such day an unwarv pedestrian would have gone to his last account had not a bus driver crammed on all his brakes and drawn up inches short of the startled walker. Instead of bursting into invective, as might have been expected, the driver looked at the constable in his long coat and said, “ How’s that, umpire ? ” EASILY DONE. “ I’m tickled to death at meeting such a pretty girl. We must have been made for each other. 11l meet you by the band s ™pd e^even o’clock in the morning.” tile baud, stand ! We shall never find each other in the crowd.” j e^ we can Soou pick up someone IN THE NEWS. The two local newspaper proprietors were sworn enemies. Neither ever missed an opportunity of insulting the other. One day they met. ‘I fi ay, Gotalot,” said Richman, “ I best thing in your paper last night that I have ever seen in it.” The other looked amazed, and a little surprised. ‘‘That’s very sporting of you,” he said. And 1 think more of the compliment coming, as it does, from a rival.” ‘'Well, I thought it was right to tell you, said Richman. “V,? uld T°u mind telling me what it was ? asked Gotalot eagerly. smiled his rival. “It was threepennyworth of chips.’’ DRY. A colonial on holiday in London met two men who, ascertaining his fondness for a game of bridge, asked him to come to their fiat for a few rubbers. A fourth was soo n found. Although he was no mean player, the colonial soon discovered that his opponents played with uncanny excellence, although he could detect nothing wrong. When at last, many pounds out of pocket, he left them, he said dryly : W ell, gentlemen, thank you very much for ’ having ’ me.” DISAPPOINTING. An old lady was taken to see her first talkie. At the end of the show, wishing to indicate to her friends that she took a lively interest in all things modern, she said : “Well, if that is one of your famous •' speak-easies,’ T don’t think much of it.” HE WAS KNOWN. “ I saw the doctor who advised me to see.” said Bachelor to his friend. . “ That’s good,” said the other. “And I suppose you told him that I had sent you ? ” •’ Yes, unfortunately,” said Bachelor. “ What do you mean ? ” said his companion aggrievedly. “ When I mentioned that I knew you, he asked me to pay in advance.” PRIDE’S FALL. “ I’m proud of Brown,” said a schoolmaster to a visitor on whom he wished to make a good impression. “ I have so inculcated in him the love of knowledge that he now prefers study to play. I suppose at this moment he is writing Latin prose.” He called the lad to him. “ Brown,” he said. “ let us see what you are doing.” “ I —l’d rather not. sir,” said Brown. “ Come, Brown, let me see what you have been writing,” the schoolmaster persisted. Still the boy demurred, so the schoolmaster took possession of the paper, and there, in neat imitation of feminine handwriting, he read : “ Please excuse my son James from school to-day. He is wanted at home.” WANTED TO KNOW. Tommy : “My Sunday school teacher says if I’m good I’ll go to heaven.” His Father : “ Well ? ” Tommy “ Well, daddy, you said if I was good I’d go to the circus. Now what I want to know is who’s telling the truth.” LESS PAINFUL. Little Tommy dashed round the corner and ran straight into the vicar.- “ Good gracious ! ” said the latter when speech was possible. “ Why. are you in such a hurry, Tommy ? ” Tommy wiped his perspiring brow. '■ Oh. sir,” he panted, “ I’m rushing home because mother is going to spank me.” . ’ “What!” ejaculated the vicar. “Am you so keen on being spanked ? ” “No,” replied Tommy: “but if I don’t get there before dad gets home he’ll do it.”

INFLAMMABLE. Farmer Govan was taking a walk through the village when he came upon the vicar, who was looking very depressed. “ Sorry to hear about the fire at the vicarage,” said the farmer. “Was there any serious damage ? ” “Yes, Govan,” replied the vicar sadly, “ very serious damage and loss.” “ That be bad,” said the farmer, with a touch of sympathy. “ Something destroyed that ye cannot replace ? ” “ Ten years’ sermons burnt to a heap of ashes,’’ was the reply. “ My, but that must have been some blaze, sir” returned the farmer, his memory going back to ten years of w-eary Sunday mornings. “ They was all very dry.” GERMAN ENTERPRISE. The following postcard from an enterprising German professor was received by librarian in England the other day: — ; “ Dearest Sir, —Since I from my work, ‘ ’ any more completely new stitched exemplaries on hand have would I me the most humble inquiry permit whether You would be inclined into your library a stitched exemplary to incorporate ? It contains XXV. pages of sources and of literature, besides 804 pages, 23 sketched maps, and four plans. . . . Would you dearest Sir, perhaps so gracious be and me, if you please, as soon as possible communicate whether and to which utmost price you would eventually be inclined to purchase from me a stitched exemplary ? ” THEIR CAMOUFLAGE. Sandy : “Do you know, I had a beard like yours once, and when I realised how it. made me look I had it cut off.” Pat : “ That’s funny. I had a face like yours once, and when I realised how it made me look, I couldn’t cut it off, but I grew this beard.” MEMORIES. M oonbeams of silver lavishly strewn, E udless twinklings of stars, M ellow all Nature into a dream. O dours of sweetly scented flowers unseen, R emind me of the happiest hours I ’ve ever known—not because E arth’s beauty strove for perfection, but S weetheart —I was with you I GENTLE REMINDER. Her father entered the drawing room and saw his daughter writing at the desk. “Are you writing to that sweetheart of yours again, Joan ? ” he asked. “ Yes, father,” replied the girl. But, my dear child, you have been doing that for years,” put in the parent. How do you sign your name ? ” . Oh, I always say, ‘ I remain, ever thine, Joan Brown.’” returned the daughter wonderingly. “Well, strike out the ‘ever thine.’” suggested the other thoughtfully, “ and underline ‘ Brown.’ It’s time that young man was coming to the point.” MAC’S STRATEGY. • The rain was pouring down in torrents. M'Tavish had neither an overcoat nor an umbrella. Yet he insisted on climbing to the top of the bus and sitting down there. With muttered curses, the conductor went up to collect his fare. “ Why don’t you come and sit inside ? ” he asked. “There’s plenty of room.” M'Tavish grinned. “ I have good sense, laddie,” he replied. “You sec, if I get wet through the wife might allow me to have a wee drappie when I reach home.” THE FEMININE WAY. The very modern girl had met one of her friends in a cafe, and they were discussing male acquaintances. " I think 1 shall settle down with young Gumldigh ! ” said the first. “He’s frightfully rich ! ” “ Yes,” said the other. “ I hear he owns several country residences. But won’t people say you've married him for Ins money ? I can just hear them 1 ” “ Oh,” replied the first, “ I can truthfully say I love him because of his charming manors ! ” OPTIMISTIC. Traveller : “ You look very happy.” Farmer (sitting on free trunk chewing gum): “ Yes, I wanted to fell this tree, and the lightning came and did it for me.” Traveller : “ That is good. Now what are you going to do ? ” Farmer: “Wait for an earthquake to dig up my potatoes for' me.” THE BAN. There was a scene outside the theatre. An attendant had just ejected a youth from the gallery, and a policeman came along to see what the argument was about. « “ It’s all right ! ” said the attendant. “ He’s been misbehaving himself, so the manager had ’im thrown out ! ” “ But,” said the indignant youth, “ I was only passing some fruit to a pal of mine—can’t I do that ? ” v . a “ you can’t said the attendant. “Not when you’re in the gallery and your pal s in the pit and the fruit is a rotten tomato ! ” SHATTERED DREAM. Harold : ‘‘ There’s the handkerchief you dropped last night, dear. I slept with it under my pillow and I‘ve kissed it a thousand times.” Helen : “ Don’t be silly, Harold, darling. That isn’t my handkerchief. That’s little Fifi’s sweater.” A SEARCHING QUESTION. If you could see your ancestors All standing in a row There might be' some among them whom You won’t care to know. But here’s another matter .which Requires a different view : If you could see your ancestors. Would they be proud of you ? For understand if in that row They were .alive again. Would seeing you give them much joy Or would it give them pain ?

HIS CARRIAGE. “ To look at me now,” boasted the tramp, “ you wouldn’t think there was a time when I rode in my own carriage.” “ Did you really ? When was that ? ” “ It must be about fifty years ago now. You see, my mother pushed it ! ” LIFE’S FINEST GIFTS. Some think the finest.gift of life Is money—well, no doubt It makes one’s path the easier, ’Tis hard to do -without; It does a lot of useful things, And brings one pleasures, too; Yet “ money can’t buy everything ” Is trite, but very true ! Some think the finest gift of life Is fame—that, too, is fine; Achievement is a noble thing, And every star should shine; But. fame may bring you solitude, , Old friends may drop away, Too shy to share your limelight or Too proud on you to prey. Yes, life has many varied gifts On mortals to bestow; And of its generosity One gift, I’d have you know, Outshines the others in its worth— The finest gift of life Is that fine comradeship between A happy man and wife. —A. M. F., in Tit Bits. AS NEAR AS POSSIBLE. Two young men were in earnest conversation on matters regarding the fair sex. “ How could you be so deceitful as to tell Miss Prim s_he was pretty ? ” asked Cuthbert. “ I wasn’t deceitful at all,” replied Basil. “ But, my dear man,” said Cuthbert, “ you don’t mean to say you think she is actually pretty ? ” “ Of course not,” replied his companion. “ What I told her was that she was as pretty as she could be.” WAS SAD. The wedding party had assembled at the church. After a tedious delay the bride failed to turn up. As the guests were dispersing one of them remarked : “ Isn’t it deplorable ? ” “ Yes,’’ was the reply, “ it is sad that she should be missing from the altar when she might have been altering from the miss ! ” HIS OWN BACK. A commercial traveller had been in a shop extolling the virtues of his goods for over ajj hour without effect, when a begging woman entered and asked the shopkeeper for money. The latter cleverly pointed to the commercial travellei - and said : “ That’s the boss, madam.” The traveller was equal to the occasion. •' Yes, I think you should have something. Give her ten shillings out of the till ! ” TOO THICK. Manufacturer : “ I admit this advertisement is well written, but I feel it would be a mistake to use it.” Publicity Expert : “But surely, sir, if would-be impossible to describe the excellencies, of your product in more glowing terms ? ” Manufacturer : “ That’s just it. It would only go putting ideas into our customers’ heads.” A SOLDIER’S CONFESSION. Aunt Martha gasped as she listened to the confessions of her soldier nephew. “ What,” she cried, “ you were engaged to four girls at once ? ” “ Four of ’em,” said the young man. “ But, Harold,” she went on, “ how ever can you explain such conduct ? ” “ Dunno,” replied the nephew, with a hopeless shrug of his shoulders. “I expect old Cupid shot at me with a machine gun.” THE INTERVAL. Ronnie’s mother was firm in her refusal. “ No,” she said, “ you can’t have four helpings of pudding. Three is enough for any little boy.” Ronnie’s instant reply was a flood of tears. Not until a full hour had passed did he stop bellowing. “Are you going to be good now ? ” asked his mother. “ I’m tired of hearing that noise. It hasn’t been a bit of use, has it ? ” Ronnie’s expression grew sour once more. " I haven’t finished, anyway,” he piped in defiant tones. “I’m only resting.” THOSE WORDS. Such words as “ mine ” and “ thine ” and “ all sincerely,” And “ love ” and faithfully,” and that . word “ dear,” As life goes on we value them more dearly, So rich they grow, so warm they greet the ear. IT PAID HIM. They had quarrelled, but after a week apart she became truly repentant and sought to make amends. ‘‘ Harry,” she said to, the young man, “L’m very sorry I treated you the way I did last week.” He smiled forgivingly. “ That’s all right, darling.” he said. “ It was a good thing, really.” “ What do you mean ? ” she quickly asked. “ Well, I saved thirty shillings while we weren’t on speaking terms,” came from the lover. A GREAT EVENT. “Come round on Monday. We’re celebrating our maid’s jubilee,” said Weeks. But she couldn’t have been with you .fifty years,” put in his friend. “Why, you’ve only been married five years! What do you mean ? ” " “No; she’s the fiftieth we have had since we were married,” Weeks explained.

HER QUESTION. A certain drygoods merchant is also a Sunday school teacher. ' One Sunday he devoted much time to an impressive elucidation of the prodigal son, and afterwards asked with due solemnity if anyone present desired to ask a question. Susie Smith’s hand went up. Sunday School Teacher : “ Very well, what would you like to know, Susie ? ” Susie Smith : “ Please, what’s the price of them little pink parasols in your shop window ? ” THE REAL REASON. Miss Twenty, the typist, had lost in the race for promotion. “I wonder,” murmured her fellowtypist, “why the boss passed you over in the last promotion ? ” “I can’t think,” said Miss Twenty tearfully. The other saw her opportunity. “Yes, I suppose that’s the reason,” she said spitefully. WHICH OF THEM? “ Now, dear,” said the visitor, “ if your mother gave you a large apple and a small apple and told you to give one to your brother, which would you give him ? ” “Do you mean my big brother or my small one ? ” CONFIDENCES. The newly wed young man met a friend who had been married for some years. “ Does your wife ever doubt your word ? ” he asked. “Well ’’ pondered the much-married man. “What I mean to say, does she ever think you are fibbing to her ? ” interrupted the younger man. The elder man nodded. “Rather,” he replied, “especially when I’m telling the truth.” HER AMBITION. Humm : “At times my wife seems to be trying to be an angel.” Drumm : “When she wants something from you ? ” Humm: “No; when she drives the car.” MERCY ME! Quite matchless are her dark brown iiii, She talks with perfect eeee: And w-hen I tell her she is yyyy She says I am a tttt! THE VERY THING. Business Man : “ I can’t buy anything. Aly business has gone to the dogs.” Smart Salesman : “ Then I have just what you need. Let me show you my sample of dog biscuit ! ” A FAMILY LIKENESS. Air Jackson came home after a visit to friends. » Well,” asked his wife, “ did you see the Jones’s twins ? ” “Yes,” he returned miserably. “ Oh, George.” she went on eagerly, don't you think that the boy is a picture of his father ? ” Her husband nodded. “ Yes,” he said, “ I certainly do. And the girl is the talkie of her mother.’’ BUT HARD ON THE FOREIGNERS. " Aly . daughter is having her voice trained abroad.” “ How thoughtful of her.” CAUSE AND EFFECT. Herbert : '‘Arthur hasn’t been out one night for three weeks.” Flora : “ Has he turned over a new leaf ? ” Herbert: “No; he’s turned over a new car.” EYES ON THE LAW. Tearfully the nurse approached her mistress. “ Oh, mum,-” she cried, “ I lost sight of the child, and ” “ Good gracious,” interrupted the anxious mistress, “ why didn’t you speak to a policeman ? ” The nurse completely broke down. “I was speaking to one. at the time, mum,” she informed her. NASTY. , Waiter : “ There’s almost everything on the menu to-day, sir.” Crabby Patron : “So I see. Bring me a clean one so that I can read it.” WHAT COULD BE SAFER" The housewife had purchased a box of matches from a pedlar. The following day the man again called at the house to sell his wares. “ Look here, my man,” said the woman, “why did you say those matches you sold me yesterday were safety matches ? ” “What was wrong witli them, ma’am? ” asked the pedlar. “ They wouldn’t light at all,” she protested firmly. “ Well, what could you ’ave safer ? ” he suavely replied. BAD ADVICE. “If I did what my doctor told me, I should go three weeks without food,” said Hayes to his neighbour. The neighbour looked surprised. “ But that’s impossible,” he said. “Of course it is,” explained Hayes. “ You see, he wants me to pay his bill?’ A TICKLISH JOB. Paddy, who was eager to obtain work, went to the employment exchange. “Anything this morning ? ” he asked the clerk. “Yes,” said the clerk, after consulting his books, “ there’s a job at the Eagle Laundry. Do you want it ? ” Paddy shifted uneasily from one foot to another.

“ Well, it’s like this,” he said, “ I really want work mighty bad, but the fact is I ain t never washed a eagle.”