On the Best of Humour

Otago Witness, Issue 3995, 7 October 1930, Page 75

On the Best of Humour

(Copybight.—For the Otago Witness.)

DID HE DO WRONG?

By

RICHARD CONNELL.

The prisoner at the bar was a small, neat, mild-looking man, with meek blue eyes and more Adam’s apple than chin. Looking at him, it was hard to believe that he was charged with a particularly ferocious assault and battery. Yet such was the case.

“ Prisoner,” the judge said, “ you have heard the evidence against you. Are you guilty oi’ not guilty?” “ Oh, I’m guilty, all right,” the prisoner answered, in a quiet tone in which there was no regret. “ But, before you sentence me, I’d like to say a few words ”

“ The fewer the better,” the judge said.

“Let me ask you, your Honour,” said the prisoner, “if you are a lover of football?”

“ Yes, I am,” the judge said. “An enthusiastic supporter; but what has that to do with your crime? ” “ You’ll see,” said the prisoner. “ I too, love football. I am a student of the game, and read all the news about it. It is my hobby; indeed, I may say it is the passion of my life. By profession, I am a thumb-tack designer. I barely make enough to live on. I have no wife. I couldn’t support a canary. My work is dull and my year has just one big thrill in it. That is the day I go to the Harvard-Yale football game. I can attend only one game a year. To afford that I have to eat ten-cent lunches.

“ Well, this year I scraped up enough to get one good ticket for the big game. I got there early, polished my binoculars, and made ready for my big afternoon. Just as the whistle blew for the first kick-off, two women came in. They were built like sedans and wore big fur coats. Their seats were right in front of mine. It took them three minutes to sit down, so I missed the first two plays. Every two minutes one of them -would -pop up and squeal. I asked them, finally, if they -would please remain seated while the ball was in play. I was very polite. They gave me two of the dirtiest looks a man ever got; and they kept right on popping up. I could hardly see over them, let alone through'’ them. Well. I just sat there. lam a very patient man, your Honor. “ It seemed that the brunette had never seen a football game; but the blonde had. I have a fine memory, your Honor, so I’ll tell you in part what the blonde said. “‘Aren’t these dandy seats, Myrtle? Harry got them for me. Harry Barker, you know. He’s a dear. A college man, but so understanding! And more fun on a party than a sack of monkeys! Oooooh, look! Isn’t that Hortense Cubbit—across the field—in a red hat? Stand up and look. Well it looks like Hortense. She would wear a red hat. Ooooooh, there goes a punt. Don’t you see it? It’s the ball. They call that a punt. Yes, dear, there is a boat called a punt, but ‘ that’s a different thing. Look at That man running with the ball.

I hope he makes a goal. He has such a sweet expression, something like Harry Barker. Oh, they’ve caught him and thrown him down. Booooo! Booooo! You see, Myrtle, he’s a quarter-buck. In football, they have a full-buck, two half-bucks, and four quarter-bucks. They’re supposed to buck the line. Then they have some tackles, and ends, and centres. I forget how many of each, but it all adds up to eleven, and that’s why they call a football team an eleven, on account of there being eleven men on each side. To-day the Harvards are playing the Yales. The Harvard boys wear red, though I must say that nice-looking boy who just threw the ball would look better in pink; and the Yale boys wear blue, so that a Yale boy won’t tackle another Yale boy, for that would be a double fault, and they’d do something dreadful to him.

“ ‘ Ooooooh, -there goes that Harvard boy down the field. Look at him run, Myrtle. Stand up. You can see better. He’s making what they call in football a home-run. He’ll make a gool. Goody! Oh, no, that big mean-looking Yale boy has caught him and is sitting on his head. And he’s twice his size, too, Booo! Booo! Let him up, you big bully, you! No, dear, that oldish man in the sweater is not a player. He blows that whistle to tell the Yale boys what to do. You see, he’s the Yale coax. He coaxes the Yale boy to play harder. 1

wonder if that really is Hortense Cubbit in the red hat. Now they’re going to throw a forward pass. The man in the front of us just said so. Ooooooh, wasn’t that cute ? The Harvard boy threw the ball right into a Yale boy. Applaud, Myrtle, applaud. That’s good sportsmanship. “ ‘ Doesn’t that Yale boy run beautifully? I’d like to meet him, or some other nice boy like that. I’d make Harry just a teeny-weeny bit jealous. Oh, dear, how perfectly awful! There's a Yale boy rolling on the ground and rubbing his tummy. He’s been knocked down. You see, Myrtle, if a player is knocked down, the umpire counts ten seconds over him, and, if he can’t get up, then he’s what is called knocked out. Oh, good! He’s up. I’ll bet he’s mad. I’d . be furious if anybody knocked me down like that, wouldn’t ypu, Myrtle? It’s Yale’s ball now. That doesn't mean Yale can keep it. It’s just an expression. You see, dear, they take turns having the ball. First Yale has it a few minutes, and then Harvard has it. I’m sure that’s Hortense Cubbit over there in the red hat. Look. I mean over there—near the gool-post. What did that man behind us say? Asked us not to jump up. I like his nerve. I guess our seats are paid for, same as his. Don’t pay any attention to him, dear. If Harry Barker was here, guess he’d tell the old crab where to get off. Ooooh, look at that Yale boy run. Hold ’em, Yale, hold ’em! Now he’s stopped. Listen to them cheer. I guess he must have made a gool. That

counts one point, or maybe six. I never can remember. Don’t you love it when they cheer, It’s so masculine, if you understand what I mean. Yale has a darling cheer. Hear them, Myrtle? “ ‘ Now they’re going to play again. They’re going to punt the kick-off. Look, that boy with the nice profile has the ball. One of the quarter-bucks. I wonder if he likes blondes. His name is Snavely. No, it’s Duff. Or maybe it’s Tutwiler. Run, run! Look, he’s coming this way. I’ll bet he has a girl on this side. If he makes a gool, he’ll get a letter. Not from the post offiice, dear; on his sweater. No. They’ve caught him. Dear me, I hope he hasn’t hurt his profile. Now they’re on the fiveyard line. The man in front says so. Harvard may make a gool and tie the score. Isn’t it just too thrilling? Hold ’em, Yale. How quiet everybody is! I could scream. Stand up, Myrtle. Don’t miss this.’ ”

“ With that,” said the prisoner, “ they both stood up and kept me from seeing the prettiest play of the year. So I did the only thing a man could do under the circumstances. I grabbed them firmly 'by the backs of their necks and knocked their heads together until they were unconscious. That’s what happened, your Honour. I am not a bit sorry. If I did wrong, I am ready and willing to take the consequences ” The judge beamed at him. “ Prisoner discharged,” the judge said.