Editor's Waller

Otago Witness, Issue 3995, 7 October 1930, Page 74

Editor's Waller

LET THEM PLAY ! Where the blossom blooms the thickest, Where the light is mellolv, Where the daisies wink the whitest By the buttercups’ bright yellow—• There let children gather flowers, There let them play' All the livelong day. Where the soft wind is freshest, Where the grass smells sweetest, Where the down stretches widest, Where their feet may dance the fleetest — String their days with golden hours At one with the sun, For their course is soon run. THE GOLFER. A golfer who always plays in his oldest clothes was proceeding towards the course one morning with his clubs slung over his shoulder. What was his astonishment when he observed a woman leaning over her garden gate, eyeing him angrily. “You are very late,” she said, irately. “ Late ? ” echoed the astonished golfer. “ Yes, late. You promised to sweep my chimneys at eight o'clock, and it’s past nine now.” CAUSTIC. Hard-boiled Grocer : “ No, sir ! No cheques ! I wouldn’t cash a cheque for my own brother.” Disappointed Customer : “ Well, of course, you know your family better than I do.” THESE AMATEURS. A man stranded in a Lancashire town went in search of an evening’s amusement. Suddenly he heard roar after roar of laughter proceeding from a large hall. He inquired of the doorkeeper what was happening. “Amateur Dramatic Society, sir,” came the reply. “Ah!” said the other, as there came another outbreak of mirth. “ Doing a comedy, eh ? ” “No, sir,” said the doorkeeper grimly. “They’re playin’ ‘Hamlet.’" FRANK. “ But, look here,” said the manager, interviewing a candidate for the post of office boy, “ these aren’t testimonials! ” “No, sir,” said the boy, “ but I thought they would help. They're copies of the death certificates of my grandparents. I shan’t want any days off.” FREE MEAL. Here is a new one from Aberdeen. At a recent bazaar in the Granite City a native was seen growling about from stall to stall, holding something under his overcoat. Finally he put his burden in the bran tub. “Do you want a penny dip ? ” asked the attendant. “Not me!” was the reply. “I was just giving my rabbit a feed.” TAKING SIDES. Some natures don’t like taking aides. A.s a rule, they, ask : “ Why should I take sides ? After* all, it is something of a nuisance to do so. I don’t want to be bothered. If I take sides I’ve got to take a stand, and when that is done I subject myself to attack.” Taking sides always means that. Life Is that way. No walk in it makes it really practicable for you to take the lone trail You may think you’ll do so, but sooner or later you’ll be tripped up. You literally must be for or against. And really there is a great stimulant in taking sides. You may, of course, take the wrong side. Or you may find yourself on the side of a lost cause. Then you find the honey of life. Dullness goes. You become, as the insurance experts say, a first-class life. The mind reacts promptly and generously. Where once it was flabby and uninteresting, it jumps up the high-water mark of intellectual standard. It is a great thing to unfurl your flag and wear your favour.— G. H. G., in Tit Bits. BELIEF. Prison Chaplain : “ Why are you here again, John ? ” Convict: “ Because of my belief, sir.” Chaplain : “ Your belief ! What do you mean ? ” Convict: “ I believed the policeman had gone by, sir.” THE WORLD. “The world is wet,” said a little frog; “ What isn’t water is mostly bog.” “Oh, not at all ! ” said a little fly; * It’s full of spiders, and very dry.” “ The world is dark,” said a moth polite, “ With ruddy windows and beams of light.” “My poor young friends, you have much to learn : * The world is green,” said a swaying fern. 1 “ Oh, listen to me,” sang a little lark : “ It’s wet and dry and it’s green and dark.. To think that’s all would be verv wrong; It’s arched with blue, and it’s filled with song.”

ROOM FOR DEGAN.

, A recruit, wearing size 14 in boots, was included one night in a raiding party, and when the roll was called afterwards he was missing. “ Has anyone seen Degan ? ” asked the officer in charge. “ He’s .gone up to the crossroads to turn round,” answered a voice.

MARY’S LITTLE CALF.

“ Here in New Zealand,” a correspondent writes to a Home paper, “ if Mary’s little lamb no longer follows her to school, it has been supplanted by Mary’s calf. On certain mornings many sleek calves can be seen being dragged unwillingly to school by their owners. Calf-judging day interests everybody. Mothers and fathers leave their farms to watch the judging, and sisters and brothers bring their former prize-winners to be reinspected. Experienced dairy farmers go from school to school to judge the stock, and each gives a simple explanation to the children of the points which have influenced him in awarding the prizes. Interest in this work is growing rapidly, and, as a consequence, dairy stock is being greatly improved.”

NONE THE WORSE.

“ I never thought I'd pull through, but I did. First I got angina pectoris, followed by arterio-sclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these I got tuberculosis, pneumonia, appendicitis, aphasia, and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Then I had diabetes, gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago, and neuritis. I was given morphia ” “ Good heavens, you don’t look much the worse for it.” “ I wasn’t ill, you idiot ! I was un for my spelling test in connection with a Health Department job.” 9 _ EXPLAINED. An old Yarmouth fisherman settled in the Last End of London. On looking over his grocer’s bill he occasionally found charges like the following:—“To ilb tea, to Jib ditto.” “ Mary,” said he, “ this ’ere’s a funny business. I should like to know what you’ve done yith so much of this ’ere ditto.” “ Ditto, ditto,” replied the old lady; “never had a pound of it in the house in my life ! ” So back went the ex-fisherman in high dudgeon that he should have been charged for things he had never received. “Mr Brown,” he said, “ I’ll not stand this. Wife says she hain’t had a pound of ditto in the house in her life.” The tradesman explained the meaning of the term, and the old man went home satisfied. His wife inquired if he had discovered what ditto meant. “Yes,” said he; “it means that I’m an old fool, and you’re ditto.” IS JAZZ DEAD? The American dancing masters have been meeting in convention, and the news is that jazz is “ out.” A new dance, “ El Siboney,” is sweeping the United States—a sensational thing in the hands of experts, but depending for its charm on rhythm and smoothness in place of tapping and hopping. The masters say that Mexico, South America, and Spain are influencing the new dancing, but that Africa is now out of the picture. The latest dances are restful and in perfect harmony with the long skirts now worn by women for the evening. They will, it is declared, bring back the old-fashioned romance to nations grown cynical about love. The new dances are done to a slow tempo. IT’S WORTH WHILE! It’s worth my while to give a smile However poor I be. Some troubled spirit to beguile To new serenity; For sympathetic looks may prove An index of a helpful love. It’s worth my while a pile Of treasure beyond price, To hoard and and file, Records of sacrifice, For nothing that is kindly meant Can fail of being permanent. It’s worth my while to go a mile, Or two, if there be need. To aid the pure and check the vile. To sow the pregnant seed Of all that may. with time’s increase, Produce the golden grain of peace. —A. B. Cooper, in Answers. PICTURES IN SAND. We all know the sand castles that are constructed by enthusiastic youngsters on the beaches of our seaside resorts, but the possibilities of the sands don’t stop tl;ere. Pictures and cartoons can aiso be made in sand. One very interesting idea in this line comes from a village near Brussels, where there is a “ Sand Carpet Cafe.” This establishment boasts a sand carpet, about 20ft square, which is constructed in varied colours to make an exact copy of a picture hanging on the wall. The sand carpet is the work of an old lady, and represents several months’ work. Presently it will be broken up, and she will start another. Is there an idea here for some enterprising seaside tea garden in this country? Judging by the experience of this Belgian cafe, an artistic sand carpet is a “ draw.” And it could last quite long— sand pictures preserved in one English family for 80 years are in perfect condition to-day.

ONE REASON.

The rector had invited the village boys to the rectory for a strawberry tea. After they had finished, he, seeking to point the moral, said : “Now, boys, wasn’t that nicer than breaking into my garden and helping yourselves ? ” “ Oh, yes,” chorused the boys. “And why was it nicer ? ” he asked a chubby-faced boy.

“ Because, sir,” was the reply, we shn.-vin’f have had anj- sugar and cream with them.”

WORLD’S TELEPHONE EXCHANGE.

London has become the telephone exchange for the world’s long-distance calls. The only transatlantic telephone service now in operation is that between England and America. If someone in Rome -wishes to speak to Oklahoma the call comes over the land telephone lines from Italy to Northern France, then by submarine cable under the Channel, and so to the Foreign Exchange in London. Thence it goes to Rugby, from which giant station it is sent out to New York, and passed over the telephone lines to its destination.

The opening of the new telephone service to Australia has enormously increased the work of London as the world’s exchange. Other Empire services will be in operation shortly. The minimum charges for telephone calls from ' London arc as follows:—To Australia : Sydney and Melbourne, £6; Canada : Ottawa and Toronto £9, Winnipeg £lO 4s,'Calgary £lO 16s, Vancouver £ll 8s; United States, £6: Argentine : Buenos Aires, £6 9s; Chile : Santiago 'arid Valparaiso, £7 Is; Cuba : Tffavana, £ll 8s; Uruguay : Montevideo. £6 15s; Mexico : Mexico City, £l2; Morocco : Ceuta, 15s 9d. LOVE’S WEATHER. Strange how the winter of our love Can change so soon to spring. With skies all clear and blue above,. And tulips blossoming. So long love lasts ! We have grown old In variable weather. You are the sun’s enduring gold, And so we are together. - —Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly. POTTED WISDOM. A married man ate a piece of slate and said his wife’s cooking was improving. Most people who are called dreamers are really sleepers. The man who said he was always looking for an opening complained when he found himself in a hole. People wouldn’t get divorced for such trivial reasons if they didn’t get married for such trivial reasons. Irony : The man who signed the pledge just before getting a job in a brewery. A little invention that would make life easier would be a rubber mouthpiece for the telephone, so that when they gave you the third wrong number you could bite it. QUEER CHILDREN. Susan would very much like to find The boys and girls of the proper kind, Who like the skin on their milk and rice, And think cold mutton is really nice, And send up their plates for the cabbage twice. If it’s really true that they would be grateful For porridge, they’re welcome to Susan’s plateful ! —Barbara E. Todd, in the School Journal. RIDICULOUS. Mrs Brown was old-fashioned, and when a friend asked her to visit her at an hotel she was extremely nervous. Inquiring the number of her friend’s rcom at the entrance, she was told to take the lift. There a small boy opened the door for her. “Are you going up, madam ? asked the boy politely. “ Yes, I am, my boy,” she answered, with a kindly smile, “ but a little boy like you can’t pull me all the way up to the fourth floor in that thing ! ” NO HURRY. Mrs King engaged a new maid, who seemed to be 'self-possessed and independent. On the morning of the girl’s first day in the new situation Mrs King awoke and listened for sounds of the maid working in the room below. The house was silent ! Getting out of bed, the mistress went along to the maid’s bedroom. “Are you awake, Jane ? ” she asked. “ Yes,” came a sleepy voice. “ Why ? ” FAIR EXCHANGE. The stage for the second turn in a variety show was held by an illusionist. “ I now come to my great performance,” he told his audience, and, without another word, he opened a big black box, from which there was no other apparent outlet, put a woman in it, and shut down the lid. When he opened the box again there was nothing inside but a couple of white rabbits. After the performance a Scotsman, who had been much impressed by the trick, went to the illusionist, and asked if he could perform the trick if his (the Scotman’s) wife were placed in the box. “Why, yes,” answered the illusionist; “ but are you anxious to get rid of your wife ? ” “ Weel,” answered the Scot, “ it’s no’ sae much that, but wee Jock, my boy, got me to promise him twa rabbits for his birthday.” NEW CLUB WANTED. He was a golfing novice, and he had driven his ball along the fairway, but, unfortunately, it had disappeared down a rabbit hole. Which club will you take now ? ” asked the caddie, with a sly smile. The novice sighed wearily as he scratched his head in doubt. “ Have you got one shaped like a ferret ? ” he said at last. PROGRESSIVE. Two advertising agents met. Each had been engaged by rival hotel managers to “ boom ” their respective resorts. Said the first agent : “ You don’t seem to be doing much. Why don’t you do what I do—get photographs of your place distributed ? ”

“My dear fellow,” replied the other, “ my place doesn’t stand still long enough to be photographed.”

THE JEWELLER.

. The stranger stopped outside the jewellery shop and gazed intently at a fine display of silver cups in the window A few minutes later he was talking to the jeweller.

“ What are those big silver cups for ? ” he asked, picking up one and gazing at it critically. Those are the cups to be awarded as prizes at a sports meeting,” returned the jeweller. “ For racing ? ” The jeweller nodded.

“ Well,” said the stranger, edging nearer the door and still holding the cup, “suppose you race me for this one ! ”

THE CULPRIT.

“My razor’s awfully blunt, dear. ] can scarcely shave with it.” “ Why, Charles, you don’t mean to tell me your beard is tougher than the linoleum ! ”

“PET MARJORIE.”

A statue has just been erected to a little girl who died over a hundred years ago at the age of eight. She was “ Pel Marjorie,” the friend of Sir Walter Scott.

“ She’s the most extraordinary creature I ever met with,'’ was Scott’s judgment on her. Her own verdict on. one occasion was, “ I have been more like a little young devil than a creature.” There have been many youthful prodigies, but she was probably the most charming—and the most human—of them all. “ I am now going to tell you the horrible and wretched plaege that my multiplication table givis me,” she wrote; “you can't conceive it. The most devilish thing is eight times eight and seven times seven; it is what nature itself can’t endure.” “ Pet Margorie ” died after an attack of measles. Her statue is in Kirkcaldy, Fifeshire. A HARD JOB. The mistress was showing her new maid through the upstairs rooms. Finally they came to a staircase leading down to the garden. “ Now, Mary,” said the mistress, stepping out on the landing, “whenever you wish to reach the garden, go down this way.” At that moment she slipped, and with a great bumping noise was precipitated to the bottom. “Good gracious, mum 1 ” gasped the maid, staring down from above. “Are you hurt ? ” “No, it’s nothing,” came the reply, as the mistress struggled to her feet. “ Then you’ve done it fine, mum ! But if that’s the way I’ve got to do it, the job’s too strenuous for me.” Own Paper. HERMITS OF THE CALF. “ Many visitors to the Isle of Man have found a boat trip to the Calf of Man, the islet of 600 acres lying to the south-west of the larger island, one of the most interesting experiences of their holiday. The Calf of Man is a bird-lovers’ paradise, because of the innumerable seabirds which nest upon its cliffs. Apart from those birds, the principal inhabi tants are rabbits, but there are one or two houses. It was recently announced that the Calf was to be sold, and it has been suggested that it should be acquired by the Manx authorities and developed under their control, but with due regard to the “ nesting rights ” of the sea-birds. One or two hermits have made the Calf of Man their home, and one of them was among the earliest food reformers. This gentleman, who lived in the reign of James I, has recorded that he “resolved to make a perfect experiment for the obtaining a long and healthy life,” by living on “ herbs, oil, mustard, and honey.” This diet he “ most strictly observed ” while on the island. SO HUMAN! She loves his very features, His mouth, his eyes, his nose; She loves his greying temples. The patch of bald which shows; She loves to hear him talking, She loves him well, and yet That he takes milk with coffee Each day she does forget. He loves her from her parting Right down to dainty feet; He loves her merry manners. He loves her lisp so sweet; He’s loved her more than others for forty years, and yet Tile day that they were married, Each year he does forget ! —A. M. F., in Answers. A RECOMMENDATION. A woman entered a London newspaper office with an advertisement to be put in the ‘‘ situations vacant ” column for a cook. “ I think this will go in three lines,” she told the clerk. The clerk carefully counted each word. “ I’m afraid not, madam,” he said. “ We shall have to put this in four lines, unless you like to cut it down a little, or fill out the whole four lines with four more words.”

The woman nodded. “ Just add, ‘Policeman stationed opposite corner,’ ” she eaid.

SAFE AT LAST.

Smith obtained a job as a packer in a big chinaware store. On the third day from his arrival he slipped while carrying a valuable vase, and it smashed into a hundred pieces. At the end of the week when he went to draw his money he was told by the manager that a little would be deducted from his wages each week until the vase had been paid for. “ How much was the vase worth ? ” inquired Smith. “ Something like a hundred pounds,” the manager replied. Smith began to. 'smile. “ What are you looking so pleased about ? ” snapped the manager. “ Well, it looks as if I’ve got a steadj' job at last,” Smith explained.

AT A PINCH.

The young assistant in the boot shop smiled happily as his customer depai'ted ;rom the establishment. What are you looking so pleased I bout ? ’ asked a fellow-fitter. “ I’ve had my revenge,” replied the ‘ Revenge for what ? ” queried his colleague, in surprise. “ That girl I've just finished serving was a telephone operator, and I gave her ■ the wrong number in shoes,” came the reply. CLEVER IDEA. M ife (to husband who is painting his car): “Heavens ! What are you doing,’ Tom ? Why are you painting one side’ red and the other side green ? Have you gone mad ? ” Husband: “Don’t you see, dearest?, I’ve got a fine idea. You just wait till you hear the witnesses contradicting each other when we have an accident ! ” IN THE PILLORY. It is just 100 years ago since the last person to stand in the pillory in Eng-' land suffered this punishment outside the Old Bailey, in London. The pillory was not abolished till seven years later, but it was never used again. Indeed, it had not been used in London for 12 years previous to its last employment, and when a sentence including the pillory was passed on a perjurer in 1830 a new one had to be constructed, because the old pillory had disappeared. The pillory, as last used, consisted of a platform raised about 6ft from the ground. In the centre of this was an upright post, which revolved on a pivot, with a board fixed to its side, with holes for the head and hands of the prisoner. When this unhappy wretch had been fixed in position, he had to keep walking round, thus pushing round the mechanism, and showing himself on all sides as he turned.' WHY HANDKERCHIEFS ARE SQUARE. Have you ever seen a round handkerchief or an oblong one ? Probably you have never questioned it, but why should handkerchiefs always be square as they are now ? There was a time when they were made in all sorts of strange shapes, until, suddenly, in 1784, a law was passed in France ordering the manufacturers of handkerchiefs to make them square—and square only. Any manufacturer who made a handkerchief which was not exactly square was to be heavily fined. The. person responsible for the passing of this law was the Queen of France! Marie Antoinette. One morning she hap-, pened to be in rather a bad temper, and she found fault with everything. As she walked in her garden she scratched her finger on a rose bush. When King Louis offered her his handkerchief, which was of an oblong shape, to bind her finger, she immediately complained of its foolish shape. On the spot she made up her mind that all her handkerchiefs, and even those of her people, should in future be made square, instead of oblong an<{ triangular as they were. Within a month her wish became law, for a Royal Bill was passed in Versailles on September 23', 1784. Thus we owe the shape of- our handkerchiefs to the whim of a queen ! OUR GIRLS. In days of old the damsels lot Was but to languish and to swoon. Croquet was all the sport they got. And “ Home, Sweet Home ” their chosen tune.

But now they tear about the sky. And on the speed track risk their necks. Each beaten record shows us why Girls now are called the faster sex.