FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3672, 29 July 1924, Page 58

FUN AND FANCY.

Young Man: 'oo Miss Ethel is your eldest sister? Who comes after her?” Small lioj : “Nobody ain’t come yet; but pa says the first fellow that comes can nave her.” —“Mr Deputy, I want you to find a Government post for my boy.” “Is he intelligent?” “If he were I shouldn’t be worrying you for a Government job. I could use him in my own business.” Mrs Lufferty: “Ten stitches did the —A clergyman and an actor were playing e round of golf. The actor was not only e bad player, but a profane one. Presently one of his rounds of oaths was too much for the clergyman, who said. “Look here, old chap, even if you don’t respect me, you might respect the cloth !” “Hang it all !” said the actor. “I didn't know wo were playing at billiards.” —To a tramp who wanted to earn a bite to eat, a lady said: “If I thought you were honest I’d let you go to the chickenhouse and collect the eggs.” “Lady,” he replied, with dignity, “1 was manager of the public baths for fifteen years, and never took a single bath.” —“I believe in witches, ghosts, and fayweys,” chanted baby Joan. “I believe in ghosts,” affirmed her five-year-old brother, “but I don’t believe in Father Christmas.” “< >h. Peter,” exclaimed his mother, “you did believe in him at Christmas time.” “No, I didn’t,” said th 4 polite but blase youth. “I only pretended, just to oblige you.” Stranger: “What kind of a town is this?” Gob: “Navy town.” Stranger: “What do the people do who aren’t in the Navy?” Gob: “The Navy.” —“Well, what do you think of the new neighbours who have moved to next door, Mrs Pryee?” “I haven’t had a chance to form an opinion. They haven’t had a washing day yet.” A man in a tweed suit and leggings walked into a poulterer’s and asked for a couple of rabbits. “Sorry, sir,” said the shopkeeper, “but I’m completely sold out of rabbits. I could let you have a nice veal and ham pie, though.” “Don’t bo ridiculous,” snapped the customer, angrily; “how the dickens could I go home and say I’d shot a veal and ham pie?” —“Would you like to take a nice lone walk?” she asked. “Wh” I’d love to, replied the young man caller, joyously. “Well, don’t let me detain you.” —“Well,” said the doctor, inquiring of the old Irish servant, “is your master any better?” “Nary a bit, and as obstinate as a mule.” “What is be obstinate about?” “You said he was to take a black draught. Never a one all black could we find in the bouse, but when I wanted him to swallow the double six of dominoes he abused me terribly !” —A commercial traveller, staying at a small hotel in Glasgow, wished to catch a very early morning train to London, and asked the landlady for the loan of an alarm clock. She produced the desired clock, and remarked: “We don’t often use it. sir, and sometimes it sticks a bit. but if it doesn’t go off, just touch that little hammer and it’ll ring all right.” —“Got a ’iding, did I?” exclaimed the dilapidated one. “If I got a ’iding, ’ow do I come to ’are ’is ear in me pocket?” , —“So you have sold your piar. Pat?” “Sure!” “How much did you get?” “Ten pounds.” "How much did it cost you?” “Ten pounds.” “What did it cost to keep him?” “Ten rounds.” “You didn’t make much.” “No !* But I had the pig’s company all the winter !” The beadle was in the habit of showing visitors over the remains of the abbey. On one occasion he had done so for a woman, who, cn leaving him in the churchyard, offered him only barren thanks. As she went through the gate the wily man remarked: “Well, rna am, if you find you’ve lost your purse when you get home, remember vou didn’t take it out here.” The film magnate was one of the astutest men in the moving-picture business, but his best friends could not maintain that he was educated. One morning things had gone wrong at the studio, and he w r as inveighing in no measured terms against his staff. “Such a lot of duds I never say!” he vociferated. “I’d send the whole lot their notice this minute—if I could write!” A number of men were engaged in a discussion as to who was the greatest inventor. Some said Edison, some said Marconi. and seme said Morse. Finally. a small Jew got in a word and said: “Veil, chentlemens, dose vas great peoples, but I tell you. de man vot invented interest vas no fool.” —An old Southern planter was discussing the hereafter with his servant. “The first one that goes, Sam, must come back and tell the other what it is like over there.” “Yes. massa. Dat suits me exac’lv. massa; hut if you go fust, would you please come hack in the daytime?” —-The young countryman was suffering badlv from headaches, so his mother sent for the doctor. The doctor said to her. “Put some ice in a calico bag and tie it tightly over his head. I’ll come again in a day or so and see how he is.” On the' next occasion, in response to the doctor’s inquiry, the mother said : “His headache is quite gore sir. but all the mice are dead.” A modern young man kissed a beautiful modern girl. “I’ll he frank with vou.” the young man said, after the embrace was over. “You’re not the first girl I’ve ever kissed by a long shot.” She lit a, cigarette. “And I’ll ho equally frank with you.” she answered. “You’ve got a great deal to learn, even at that.” Mrs B' own : “I admire Dr Young immensely. He is so nersevering in the face of difficulties that he always reminds me of Patience sitting on a monument,” Mr Brown: “Yes: hut what I am hecoming rather alarmed about is thp number of monuments sitting on his patients.” —The prisoner had been convicted a do7<m times before. “Your Worship,” he said. “T should like to have my case postponed for a week. My lawyer is ill ” “But you were captnved with your hand in this man’s pocket. What can your counsel say in your defence?” “Precisely so, your honour. That is what I am curious to know.” Wife : “Everything is getting higher.” Husband: “Oh. I don’t know. There’s your opinion of me, and my opinion of you, and the neighbours’ opinion of both of us.” Small Child (admiring herself in the looking-glass): “You must have been awfully pretty once, mummy.” Mother: “Why do you think that, darling?” Little Girl: “Because you’ve got such a lovely little girl.”