FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3618, 17 July 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

—X: "Did you take a bath?” Y: “Xo. Is there one missing?” ‘‘Jones always said he intended to he the master in his own house.” "Yes, and he was unt 1 the baby arrived.” Bush: “What kind of a fellow is Tree?” Shrubb: “Well, lie’s the kind of a fellow who thinks wearing loud clothes makes him the big noise.” “What is an optimist, dad?” “An optimist., my boy, is a man who buys a pair of goggles in case somebody gives him a motor car.” • North: “Do you always tell the truth?” West: “No; I want a few friends, thank you.” —■ Exara ner: “Where do we find the greatest amount of the infantry and artillery assembled, at one time?” Student: “In the army.” “Do you think the end of the world is near?” “Well, it’s nearer than ever before.” Barber: “I am forty-five years old.” Customer: “How old were you when you began shaving me?” “What kind of a time did you have in the police court this morning?” “Fine.” Parent: “Willie, I’m shocked to hear you say such naughty words, Do you learn them at. school?” Willie: “Learn ’em at school! Why, it’s me as teaches the other boys!” —Mr Browne: “Take dancing lessons? I guess not! There are too many other ways by which I can make a fool of myself.” Mrs Browne: “I know, dear, but have you tried all the rest?” She : “When we were married you said I was the sun of your existence.” lie: "Well, you do make it pretty hot for me sometimes.” He: “Do you think kissing is as dan?erous as the doctors say?” She: “Well, it las just put an end to a good many bachelors.” She: “They say that when your wife’s away it’s a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind’!” He: “Yes, that's light. I’m rwt crazy about her when she’s not there.” Robert: “What’s the matter? Finances bothering you?” Richard: “Yes; I owe Rogers five pounds, and to-day I’ve got it. and he knows I’ve got it, and he knows I know he knows I’ve got it.” “There must be some mistake in my examination marking. I don't think I deserve an absolute zero,” complained the student. “Neither do I,” agreed the instructor, “but it’s the lowest mark I’m allowed to give.” “Would vou call Mrs Gregory a good conversationalist?” “Yes and no. She makes you think of a lot of good things to say, but she talks so incessantly you don't get a chance to say them.” Plain Man : “Two wrongs don’t make a right, and to that rule there’s no exception.” Friend: “Oh, I don’t know! If your clock is an hour fast, it is wrong, and if you set it forward eleven hours more you. of course, make it more wrong, but at the same time you make it right.” —Mr X: “Wiseman was very short in his manner to everybody to-night.” Mrs X: “Yes; but we must forgive him, as I hear he’s just had some heavy losses.” Mr Jv: “My dear, a real gentleman does not give vent to that sort of thing till he gets home to his wife.” A coloured woman consulted the village lawyer. “Ah want to divo’ce mah husband,” she said. “What’s the trouble?” asked the lawyer. “That nigger's done gone an’ got converted to religion, and we ain’t seen a chicken on de table foh tw'o weeks.” Child (during thunderstorm, of which she is frightened) : “Mummy, what makes it thunder?” Mother: “It’s (he clouds running across the sky, darling.” Child (after a moment’s pause): “Mummy, I wish the clouds would not wear such noisy boots.” Mabel had gone to the art exhibition. Not that she cared for pictures, but everyone went. A friend saw her and told another friend. Friend No. 2 met her a few days later. “Why, hello, Mabel! I’m awfully glad to see you. I hear you are interested in art.” “Me? Art who?” - “Now that we are engaged,” she said, “of course I can’t call you Mr Parkinson; and even Sebastian seems too long and formal Haven’t you any short pet name?” “Well,” replied the happy Parkinson, “the fellows at school used to—er—call me ‘Pieface.’ ” A Spanish woman with a slight knowledge of English tried to tell a tourist that veal was the best meat procurable. Unable to remember the word “veal,” she described it as the “meat of the child of the wife of the bull.” Accent apart, there is said to be a teatable test by which the nationality of a hostess miv be determined. In serving tea the Englishwoman selects or.e or more lumps of sugar, according to the capacity of the cun. The Irish hostess hands round the sugar basin so that guests may help themselves. In Scotland, however, the guid wife fixes her eye on the guest and inouires sternly: “Are yo sure ye’ve stirred it?” - The curate was a frequent visitor, and it was thought that Grace, the elder sister, was the cause of it. One day he was dining with the family, and the moment he sat down Amy, the youngest, began to talk.” “Hush, Amy,” said the mother as the curate started the blessing, “Mr Pinkie is about, to ask grace!” “Well.” said Amy, “it’s about time; we’ve been ’specting it for months, and so’s she !” Tommy repeatedly arrived late at school. One day the head master said to him: “Next time you are late I’d like you to bring an excuse, from vour father.” “I don t i\a; l to bring an {v< i se from father, said ihs hov “Why not' ’ “ITe’s 10 good a’ them. Mother ai vays find him out.” The woman lecturer was going strong. “Yes,” she cried emphatically, “women have been misjudged for ages. They have suffered in a thousand ways.” She paused to give the listeners time to consider the momentous statement. “There is one way in which they never have suffered and r.eier will,” murmured a meek little man. Idle lecturin' fixed her eyes on him. “And what way is that?” she demanded. “They have never suffered in silence,” he replied.

lie had just returned home from a convivial evening with some friends, to be met at the door by his wife. “Where have you been?” she demanded. “I’ve been at the Smiths’ party, my dear,” he replied, beaming at her. “You have not.” “I say I have.” “I am sure you have not,” she insisted; “I’ve been there myself, so I know you were not there.” “Well, anyhow,” he answered, in resigned tones, “it’s the lale I’ve made up, so I’m going to stick to it.”