FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3614, 19 June 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

Too many married folk who are nice to each oiher before company forget two's company. Gladys: ‘ That story you told me is at least 60 years old.’’ Pauline: "Fancy you remembering it all that time!” "You're a pretty sharp boy. Tommy. “Well, I ought 10 be. Pa takes mo into his room and strops me three or four times a week.” Convicted Criminal: “All through my trial you kept saying. ‘My lord, I object. ” Counsel (soothingly): "So I cl.d. so 1 did. ’ “ When the judge sent me to do ten years, why didn't you object to that?” Hughes: “Phew! How can-you smoke such cigars as this one you’ve just given mo?” Jeffreys: “I can’t. That's the one you gave me yesterday.” Algy: “Pa. are seats always sad;” Father (sharply): “Whatever do you mean?” “Well, they often are in tiers. ’ Kind Lady: “Do you want employment?” Tramp: “Lady, you moan wed, but you can’t make words sound any more invitin’ by usin’ words of three syllables.” Mrs Bec.-he: “What a iot more things cost than before the war.” Mrs Ashe: “Mercy, yes! A short cry used to get me a new gown then; now I have to go into hysterics.” Teacher: “Johnny, ieffjjyrc what an engineer is.” Johnny: "He is a man who works an engine.” “Correct. Now, William, can you tell me what a p oncer is? “Yes, sir. lie’s a man who works a piano.” Husband : “There wasn t a dry eye at the banquet last night.” Wife (snappishly): “Nor a dry throat, either, I judge, from the condition >ou came home in!” Chairman (addressing a meeting): "1 gm sure w'e are all very sorry that- our secretary is not here to-night. I cannot say we miss his vacant chair, but 1 do say we miss his vacant face.” Customer: “Will that rew kind of collar you advertise make me look like that fellow in the ad?” Assistant: “Well, it might.” ‘Then let me look at your other styles, please.” .X. : “By this time France probably has discovered what everyone else knew long ago.” Y. : “What’s that?” “’ihat an insistent bill collector can never he popular.” —-Lenora: “1 call that nerLeonard: “What?” “Mrs N'extdoor sent over to borrow some of my dishes to use for a party she didn’t invite me to attend.” Mrs Gray: “What kind of a girl have you now?” Mrs White: “A very nice one —ever so much ncer than the others. She doesy.t seem to object to us living in the house with her at all.” First Schoolboy: “I’m afraid dad will find out that we disobeyed him last night.” nd Schoolboy: “The best way to keep Jim front finding out is to toll hint. He nev r remembers anything.” pho amateur gardener was digging aw' at the weeds in his potato patch. Said his neighbour: ‘Makes it harder with the weeds so thick, doesn’t it?’ “No, its easier. You don’t have to walk so far io ihe next weed.” The head of the firm had caught the oKico-boy tolling lies. “Boy,’ he said, “do you know what they do with boys who tell /ies?” “Yes, sir,” was the reply. “When they are old enough the firm sends them out as travellers.” —An argument between man and wife had been going on for some time, and at last she exclaimed : “I suppose you think I ani a perfect- fooi?” “None of us, my dear,” came the soft answer that does not turn away anger, “is perfect.” The dear old gentleman got into conversation with a ycung man. “And what is your job, sir,” he asked, “if I may make so bold as to inquire?” “I travel in undeswear,” was the reply. “How curious!” said the old man. rubbing his spectacles. “And—or—what a cold job it must bn in the winter.” —Mr Jones: “Bridget, has Johnnie come home from school yet?” Bridget: “Yes, sir.” “Have you seen him?” “No, sir ’’ ‘Then how do you know lie’s home?” “ ’Cause, the cat’s hidden under the stove, sir" They were sitting in the shadows. She: “You are not weakening in your love to me, Harold?” He: “No. indeed, darling! Your love gives me the strength to lift mountains!” She: “Dearest, it is only necessary for you to raise the dust!” A little girl was to!d that polite people did not talk about their ailments in company, or outside the family. So when a visitor asked her if she was well she said: “Well, in the family I have the stomach echo, bait in company I am quite well thank you." Two needy actors, who bad long been “resting,” found a snuffbox which happened io contain cocaine. In the belief that it •was harmless snuff, they indulged in it freely. Suddenly one of them exclaimed: “l addie! I have an inspiration. I shall buy up every theatre iu the Y\ est Knd. The other regarded his friend for a moment, and repli d : “Not a chance I decline to sell !” A cautious Scotsman, who was not married, was travelling over the moors with Jessie. For a time they kept up a pretence of cheerful conversation, but eventually lapsed into a moody silence. After a whhe Donald heard a little voice at iiis elbow, saying. “Nobody loves me, and my hands are cold!” “1 hat i?r:a time,” retorted Donald. “God loves you, and you cun sit on your hands ’ —-She was a countrywoman, and travelling by train was something new to her. She sat down on a seat in the station, and after waiting for two hours was approached by the stationmaster, who inquired where slio was going. “But the train’s just gone,’’ no said when she told him. “Dear, dear i I thought the whole consarn moved,” replied ihe old woman. B dll were Bpirclcss enthusiasts, and after the mannrr of those who fish, and those who grow vegetable marrows, they told each other that each possessed the finest apparatus in the world. “Do vou know,” said the first., “I distinctly heard the scene-shifters talking the other night?” liis companion took a deep breath. “Why. listening-in to the performance of ‘The Merchant of Venice' the other night, I not only heard the applause, but could distincely hear the cries of ‘Author !’ ”