FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3594, 30 January 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

--Love is like salt. A little of it gives ft tla vowing to life, but too much spoils the taste. The difference between a woman and an umbrella is that you can shut up the umbrella. Matrimony, a fiver, and trouble are all easy to get into, but getting out is another story. We may be led into temptation the first time, but after that we generally find our own way. —ln matrimony you get one of two things—an angel on the hearth or a skeleton in the cupboard. ' There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of the people whom one has ceased to love. A woman will spend two hours dressing to toe her lover for two minutes, and then say she didn’t expect him. A girl would rather have beauty than brains, because only a few of the men are blind, and all of them are fools. -—The difference between men and women is that men say what they don’t mean, whilst women don’t mean what they say. When a woman asks another woman for her opinion about a man, you may be sure she has already quite made up her mind about him. - “Marriage is a pottery.” “You mean a lottery, don’t you?” “No, I mean a pottery —a place for making family jars.” Alice: “Don’t you think a cookery-book is fascinating reading?” Clara: "Yes, indeed. It contains so many stirring incidents” l y: “Why is it ‘in the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of loye’?’’ Rosie: "Don’t know, I’m sure unless it is because Nature seems to be green then.” Chappie: “I say, Miss Highsail. don’t you think imy parents made a horrid mistake in calling me Geavvge?” Miss ITighsail : “Dear me, yes. I think Lucy would have been much more appropriate.” Mrs Tenspot: “Isn’t it odd that encores are always much more enjoyable than the regular numbers on the programme?” Mr Tenspot: “Yes. it is. I wonder why they don’t sing the encores first?" Professor (who has been assisting at a children’s party): “A most delightful time! We played at circumnavigating a tree of the Morus nigra species.” Small Nephew : “He means. ’ Here we go round the mulberry bush.’ ” Customer: “I want a good repeating pistol.” Salesman: “Yes, sir. Six chambers?” Customer: "Why—er you’d better make it nine! I want to use it on a cat next door.” aches?” “Only at time 3.” "At times!” “Y'es; the times we really ought to go somewhere we don’t want to go.” —“O, mother, father has backed an ‘also ran’!” “How do you know?” “My moneybox won’t rattle.” —Nurse: “Good gracious. Daphne! Wliat have you been a-doing?” Daphne (tearfully): “I f-fell in a puddle.” Nurse: “Wh£t! With your best dress on?” Daphne: “Y-yes. I d-didn’t have time to change." 1 have rheumatism in one foot.” “Push your foot through a window.” “Why?” “Then the pane will be gone.” Producer (to film actor): “You fall from your horse, a motor passes over you, and you come face to face with the pointed a revolver.” Hero: “Splendid! And when do they bury me?” when he died, wasn’t he?” Will: “Oh, yes!” Bill: “Did he leave your mother much?” Will: “Oh, about twice a week!” “Oh, John, they say skirts are to be worn two inches longer next season.” “That’s nothing. Tell me when they are to be worn two years longer.” Grandmother: “My dear boy. you've grown to be the living image of your father. Xou have your father’s eyes, you have his nose, you have his mouth, and ” Jimmy (gloomily): “Yes, and l have his trousers, too!” - v Outraged Proprietor: “What do you mean by cornin’ into my place and orderin’ a dozen oysters with only in your pocket?" Cheerful Optimist: “Well, guv’nor, you see, there is always a chance of findin’a pearl in one of them—perhaps two.” —“Talk is cheap.” “Not. always.” "How do you know?” “Two words cost me mv freedom for life.” “What were they?” “ ‘ Bo mine.’ ” The vicar of a London church was asked not long ago to preach a special sermon on temperance. After announcing this request, he continued : “There are only two drinks mentioned in the Book of Psalms. Orte is wine, that maketh glad the heart of man. The other is water, with which the wild asses quench their thirst. You can take your choice.” When Ernest was out walking with his mother he pointed to a woman across the road, and said: “Oh, mamma, I know that lady ! She often speaks to me.’ “Does she really, darling?’ answered the mother. “And what does she say?” “She —she— well, she usually says. ’ Don’t you dare, to throw stories at my dog again, you little wretch!’ ” Cuthbert had been listening for half an hour to a lecture from his father on the evils of late nights and late risings in the morning. “You will never amount to anything,” said his father, “unless you turn over a new leaf. Remember, it’s the early bird that catches the worm!” “Ha, ha!” laughed Cuthbert. “How about the worm? What dic%he get for turning out so early?” “My son,” replied the father, “that worm hadn’t been to bed all night: he was on his way home!" Mrs Smith, imbued with a spirit of neighbourly interest in a woman who was recovering from influenza, said to her little son: "Willie, dear, just run and ask how old Mrs Brown is this morning.” Willie returned within five minutes looking crestfallen “Well, have you seen Mrs Brown?” the mother asked. “Yes; and she said I was to tell you that it’s none of your business how old she is.” - An enthusiastic husband, on the verge of taking a few yeai-3’ sea trip, was rejoicing over the fact and descanting on the pleasures to come. “How delightful it will be,” said he to his wife, “to tread the bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea! The sea ! The boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great draughts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment of the voyage on the prow of the good old steamer with lay mouth open— —” “You probably will, dear,” interrupted his wife encouragingly; “that’s what ajj ocean travellers do.”