FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3593, 23 January 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

He: “Tl :ere’s somethin*? about you I like.” She: “1 always thought you were tho most conceited of men.” Dulverton fat pia.no recital): “What is that charming thing he is playing?” Cleverly : "'A piano, you fool !” Teacher: "Now, Willie, what is the Order of tho Bath?” Willie (puzzled): “Johnny comes first, then Henry, then the baby, and then me.” Best Boarder: ‘‘Mr liarduppe is so blase. Kvery time I try to draw him out lio looks bored.” Landlady: “Huh! I wish he’d pay instead of looking it.” . Cholly: “Is Miss Blank in?” Maid: “No, sir.” C'holly: “Just ask her again, T/ill vo 1 ? She may have changed her mind.” Doris: “I thought you were going to kiss me when you puckered up your lips just now.” Jack: ‘‘No—er —it was only a piece of grit in my mouth.” Doris: “Then for goodness sake swallow it—you need some !” “He’s kinder to his second wife than he was to his first.” “Yes; but his second wife keeps insisting that, he’s not nearly so kind to her as her first husband was.” Bang: “I'm never afraid to tell a man anything, because it goes in one ear and out at the other.” Slam: “Yes; but if you teli a woman anything it goes in at- both ears and out at the mouth.” Caller: “Well, you are a good little boy. Aie von always as quiet as this?” Johnny: “No fear; but mother's going io give me sixpence if I don’t say anything about your bald head.” Mistress: “Did you manage to find that basket of eggs that was on the pantry floor. Bridget?” Bridget: “Oh, yes, ma'am, quite easily. I stepped on them!” Charlie: “I gave my wife a rainbowkiss when I left home this morning.” Matty : “What's 3. rainbow kiss?” Charlie: “One that follows a storm.” Mr Blimp: “Remember, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Don't forget, that, d.ar.” Mrs Blimp: “Then you come in and rule the world a while. I’m tired.” The Old One: ‘'Yes, this is a sunset JSaintel by my daughter. She studied abroad several years.” The Young Man: “Ah, ye 3! I understand now. I can’t remember having seen a sunset like that in our country.” Sandy: “So ye didna’ eo away for the wreek-end, Mac.?” Mac.: “No. Sandy, the Maogregors wrote an’ invited me to their place, an’ I’d like to have gone, but they forgot tae enclose a stamped envelope for reply.” “Give, me the man.” roared the orator, “who has a mind and will of his own—the man who goes on his own way, and does as his conscience dictates, without regarding the opinions of others !” “He means a man that ain’t, married,” whispered a scoffer in one of the back rows. “Buy a flower, sir?” “No, thanks. “Buy one for your wife, sir?” “Haven’t one.” “For your sweetheart, Ihen?” “Haven’t one either.” “Well, buy one to celebrate your luck.” Mrs Murphy was cleaning up the house when a visitor called and asked if she could give her anything towards an Inebriatco" Home, for which she was collecting. “Come round to-night.” was the reply, “and I’ll give you Murphy.” A little boy startled his mother by asking. “‘Mammy, is there hair oil in this bottle?” “Mercy, no. dear!” she exclaimed, “that’s gum.” ‘Oh!” said the child. Then, after a short silence: “Perhaps that’s why I can’t get my hat off.” Elsie: “My momma got a nice present yesterday, an' she threw her arms around papa’s neck. What does your mamma do when she gets a nice present?” Eddie. “She tells daddy she'll forgive him, but he mustn’t stay out late again.” Farmer (to applicant for dairyman's position) : “D'yer drink beer?” “Noa.” Or whisky-, perhaps?” “Noa.” “Maybe wino?” “Noa." ‘'Then ye'll be drinking milk. No job for yer here.” A family had a parrot that became ill. They sent it downstairs to be treated in the servants’ quarters. The parrot remained downstairs fo; several weeks. Then it was brought back, cured, to the drawing room. But* always, after that sojourn downstairs, the pairot could never hear a bell without declaiming crossly: “Oh, let the old fossils ring again !" On returning from a party Mrs Brown .turned angrily to her husband and asked: “Whatever made you tell the Thomsons you married me for my voice, when you know I can’t sing a note?” John (usually a tactful man, tripped this time): “Well, darling,” ho replied soothingly, “I had to give some reason, and that was the only one 1 could think of at the moment.” Teacher: “Willie, what is ratio?’ Willie: “Ratio is proportion, sir.” Teacher: "But what is proportion?” Willie: “Why, sir, proportion is ratio.” Teacher: “But what are ratio and proportion both?” Willie: “I’m sorry, sir; but I can only answer one question at a time.” A particular}' small but very dapper man was walking between two fashionablyattired girls. At the corner of a side street they happened to pass two street urchins, who looked at them and grinned. To the obvious embarrassment of the girls' escort one of them said, “Ain't much am in that sandwich, is there, Bill?” —Mr Morrison had just “popped the question” to Miss Elderleigh. the lady of his choice. “I am sorry,” she answered resolutely. “I cannot marry you. I’m sure you never saw any encouragement written on my face.” “An, true.” sighed the rejected one. “I suppose it was because of my inability to read between the lines.” The teacher was so interested in the lesson that he did not realise how near dinner-time it was until he glanced at his watch. “My goodness!” he exclaimed, by -way of a joke, “Tempos fugit!” (Time flies!) Then, pointing at a small boy in the front row. ho asked: “Tempos what?” “Ten pas' twelve, sir 1” was the reply. A candidate for municipal honours, irritated by the groans and unfriendly remarks with which ho was received at ohe of his first meetings, exclaimed furiously: “I don’t care what you say; you have got to have mo whether you like me or not.” “Why. puv’nor,” inquired a placid individual at the baok of tho hall, “you ain’t tho blessed measles, are you?”

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