FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3590, 2 January 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

First Cynic: “Women are crazy about clothes.” Second Cynic: “So they say.” First Cynic: "Well, then, why don’t they wear more of them?” - —First Writer: “I want a newer expression for ‘between the devil and the deep' sea.’” Second Ditto: "Oh, just say ‘between an empty cellar and an unpaid coal bill.” The Doctor: “You say your little boy has an abnormal appetite. In what way is it manifested?” The Mother: “He’s lost all desire for things that make him sick.” Mrs Higgs: “Some people are never satisfied. I’ve just paid two guineas for my eldest girl to learn shorthand, an’ now, believe the, she wants to learn typewritin’.” Mag.strate: “The police say that you and your wife had some words.” Prisoner : “I had -some, but didn’t* get a chance to use them.” Cullen: “I thought you were going to send me a chicken for my dinner last Sunday?” Cooper: “I was; but it got better.” Slim: "What book supplies the best light reading just now?” Jim: "The bank book.” She: “It says here that the average walking pace of a healthy woman is about seventy-five steps a minute.” He: “Huh, and the average talking pace of a healthy woman is about seventy-five words a second.” Visitor (to artist): “Been doing any work in the nude?” Struggling Artist: "No; but I will be if men’s clothing prices don’t come down 1” Wigg: “I never knew such a woman as Mrs Talke. All the summer long her tongue has never stopped wagging.” Wagg : “And in winter even her teeth chatter.’ First Salesgirl: “That man to whom I just sold a five-pound box of chocaltes said it was for his wife.” Second Ditto: “Is he newly married?” First: “Either that, or he’s done something.” Her Young Alan: “Edward, will you be sorry when I marry your sister?” Edward (aged five): “Yes, I’ll be sorry for you.” Barnes: “Six hundred women were executed in France for witchcraft in 1609.” Wedgwood: “And they still bewitch men even in the year 1922.” —Mr Mulhoolv: “Phwat fur are _ yez makin’ such a noise on that pianny, an’ me won a sphlittin’ headache. Daughter: "Them new neighbours have been complainin’ of my playin’.’’ Mr Mulliooly: “Begorra, thin, hammer harder.” “Please, sir, ought I to be punished for something I have not done?” “Why, certainly not.” “Well, then, ought I to be punished because I have not done my sums? —Hubby (to wife, who is leaving for the seaside): “What have you in that little handbag?” Wife: “Three dresses and my bathing dress.” “Well, what’s in /that big trunk?” “Cold cream, rouge, powder, and lip salve!” —Virginia: “George says ill-health always attacks one’s weakest spot.” Friend (sweetly) ‘‘You do have a lot of headaches don t you. dearie?” —Professor: “The female of the species may be more deadly than tne male, but the male is more destructive 1” Young Student: “But, at the same time, you can always flatter a woman by talking of the hearts she has broken !’’ —Titewad: “I never deny my wife a single wish that she may desire to express.” Nonought: “That’s generous. But how in the world can you you afford it?” “Afford it? L<n, it doesn’t cost anything. If she wants to wish why shouldn’t I allow her to do so? —Johnny: “Grandpa, can you help mo with this problem?” Grandpa: “I could, dear, but I don’t think it would be right.” Johnny: "I don’t suppose it would, but take a shot at it, anyway.” —Bride: “How can we stop people thinking we’re on our honeymoon, love? I don’t want them to guess the truth.” “Groom : “Well —er —darling, if you like you can carry this bag.” —lnterviewer: “And please, sir, what have you to say on the subject of anonymous letters'" Great Man: “Stupid missives! £ admit I invariably read anonymous letters—but I never answer them.” —Barker: “Why uoes a woman always keep a man waiting so long after she says she’ll be ready in a minute?” Harker: “Because she picks out a minute about half an hour away.” .—Jack: “My ideal of a wife is one who can make good bread.” Madge: “My ideal of a husband is one who can raise the ‘dough’ in the hour of ‘knead.’ ” —Mother (to the vicar): “Oh. please, sir, I was agoin’ to ask you. could anything be done to change pore little Lloyd George's name ’ere? The child’s ’ad to suffer summat cruel. ’E can’t do nothin right since ’is father changed ’is views about the Prime Minister 1” —Airs Brown addressed her neighbour, whose husband was notoriously brutal. She —iof-e with a purr th->t was catty:—-“You know, my dear, husband is so indulAnd the ott-r woman retorted, quite as purringly“Oh, everybody knows tw-t What a pity he sometimes indulges too much.” —An Irish priest, who had been on very had terms with his late bishop, was visiting the new occupant of the see. “Ye’ll have to be verv careful where ye go at night, Father Pat,” said the new bishop, with a twinkle in his eve. “I’m sure ye’d not like to be meeting a ghost with a mitre and a crozier.” “F° : th. no!” replied Father Pat. “ ’Twould lie mighty inconvenient to be hit over the head wid a red-hot crozier!” -—The boy entered th" cobbler’s shop with a pair of shoes. “Father wants ’em repaired.” he said, “an’ they must be done by Sundnv 1” “Wbnt does he want done to them?” the cobbler inquired. “Wants ’em soled and stretched,” the bov replied. “Stretched.. eh?” the man returned. “Where do they pinch him?” “Thov don’t Pinch him at all,” the boy replied. “He ninebed them.’ —The firm of Putem and Takem was started during the »w. and did very well for a few years. But recently things have been on the downward grade, and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up their none too good record for t.he year, Putem said“ This state of affairs makes one thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about a liffle honest business?” “No thanks,” said Takem. “I never indulge in experiments.”