A RATTY TALE.

Otago Witness, Issue 3566, 18 July 1922, Page 66

A RATTY TALE.

By

W. J. Coffin.

(Copyright.) Last night I saw a rat; a real bona fide rat. He was at least a foot long and trailed behind him a tail of which any rodent might be proud. He was of a bold and roying disposition, for he made daring excursions behind my bureau, washstand and desk with great ease and rapidity. He had a quick eye also, for he deftly evaded numerous missiles which I, from time to time, hurled at him in vain attempts to induce him to return to the bosom of his family. Now, although I belong to the sterner sex, 1 must have inherited from my mother the peculiar antipathy of womankind to rats, and mice. When I see a rat, a feeling which I cannot call fear, but which I prefer to call repugnance, comes stealing over me, and I at once have an intense desire to either speedily remove myself from that immediate vicinity or to sit down in a chair and draw my feet up under me. I am a lone bachelor, rooming on the top floor of an hotel. Consequently, when my obnoxious visitor appeared, I immediately experienced an intense desire for male companionship. The rat was regarding me impudently from a safe position under the bureau. He was probably speculating as to what hostile movements I would employ. I made a feint at him with my slipper. He dodged back, hut instantly re-appeared and looked at me inquiringly. I assumed a fierce expression, arose, and edged towards the door, keeping my eye steadfastly upon him with the intention of temporarily hypnotizing him until I could reach the bell and ring for the porter. Yly attempt failed signally, for he became bolder and ventured out upon the floor. I grabbed a chair and banged it around. He disappeared beneath the bureau and enabled me to reach the bell and ring violently. Then I returned to my former position with a stony glare fixed upon his point of disappearance. Again he appeared and regarded me scornfully, and I could have sworn he was ridiculing me for summoning assistance. This irritated me. and I let drive at him with the slipper, which hit over near the door with a crash and broke an umbrella jar given me by my married sister last Christmas. Then I grew reckless. The little ormolu clock on the mantelpiece fell next. I broke the lampshade with a tin tobacco box, and smashed the mirror with the clothes brush. Then my ammunition gave out. I begaip to consider that discretion was the better part of valour, and sat down on my desk and put my feet on a chair. During all .this commotion the rat complacently watched me., and I was glad to have James, the porter, break in upon my meditations. In response to my “Come in,” he pushed open the door through the ruins of the umbrella jar and stood .regarding the havoc wonderingly. “Did you ping, sail?” he inquired. “I most assuredly did, James,’’ I replied. “There is a rat under my bureau. Now if that rat stays in my room to-night, I don t. So if your fertile brain can suggest any expedient by which he may be ejected let us make haste to act upon* it.” “Sah?” said James. “I said I want you to get that rat out of my room right away and fix him so he won’t come back. It’s worth a dollar to you. “Oh,” said James, with an expansive grin, “Sut’ny-sut-ny—l understand vou now, sah. Yes, sah, I kill him fur you. Jess lemme git one swipe at ’im. Will it hurt this here thing to use it on him?” he continued, reaching for my tennis racket. “Take it, James,” said I. “Split it up into kindling wood, but pulverise that rodent.” ■Tames grasped (he racket firmly and advanced on the wash-stand.

“He’s under the bureau,” said I. James stopped and regarded the bureau’ intently. Then he stooped down and tucked liis trousers into his shoe tops. “These yer rats is jes as liable as not to run right up yo’ trousers laig,” he explained. Then he glanced at m- dressing gown and chuckled. “He’ll have it good chance at you, sah.” I got on the bed. “Fo’ de Lawd’s sake,” said James, “I beleebe you is skeered of ’im, sah.” “Janies,” I replied with dignity, “most persons have their idiosyncrncies. A violent antipathy to rats is one of mine.” “Yes, sah,” said James. “Get to work on the rat,” said I, nervously. James began to scarify the sides of my Eastlake bureau with the racket. He made a terrific noise, and succeeded in frightening the rat into running under the bed. I moved to a rocking chair. I had quite overlooked that rocking chairs are not stationary, so I landed on the floor l:ead firit. Something horribly soft brushed across my neck, but it was only the collar cf my dressing gown. James thrashed wildly under the bed and I scrambled into a chair just in time to avoid the rat on his flight to the washstand. From the chair I stepped to the bureau. There I felt comparatively safe. James knocked a couple of bottles off the washstand and the rat moved back under the bed. “’Clar to goodness.,” said James. “Kaint git a chanst at ’im no wav.” Just then there was a lond knock at the door, and Chambers entered. Ho rooms directlv beneath me. “What in the devil’s name do you mean hv this infernal racket,” he exclaimed angrily, addressing .Tames, who was on his knees peering under the bed. “Room looks as though a cyclone had struck it.” “James and T are having a little fnn trying to kill a rat.” raid T meekly. “Hope we haven’t disturbed you.” Chambers turned and saw me on the bureau. Then he roared with laughter. I suppose it was a ludicrous sight, but there was reallv no necesntv for the excessive merriment which Chambers indulged in. “What are vou doing nn the bureau ” he asked, when he had recovered his breath. “Why I am—er —that is, I’m trying to scare the rat out from under the bed,” I said, lamely. “You’re apt to do it where you are, said Chambers, rudely. “I say, old chap,’’ I ventured.to remark, “suppose you get that umbrella and help us. YVe three can polish him off in no time.” “We can.” remarked Chambers sarcastically, “but we won’t. I’ve got a better way than that.” He stepped to the door and whistled. A small whirlwind came tumbling up the stairs and Blitz, Chamber’s'fox terrier, bounced into the room. “Hot, dog!” cried James, enthusiastically. “Now we’ll have it.’’ And we did. “Rout him out from under the bed, Jim,’' said Chambers. James rattled the racket, and the rat, with a squeak of alarm dived under the desk. Blitz took his stand in front of it and whined impatiently. Chambers moved the desk, the rat came out, hesitated, and: was lost. Quick as a flash Blitz nabbed him, there was a —well, never mind what followed. It was over. I heaved a deep sigh of relief and got off the bureau. “Fine dog that,” said I. “What’ll you take for him?’’ “Wouldn’t part with him,” said Chambers, proudly. “James pass that decanter.” I tossed James a dollar, then Chambers and I had a drink, and I went to bed and dreamed that I was dead, and that rats were holding an inquest over my body. This morning, on my way down town I overheard .Tames earnestly conversing with the hell boy. “Yas,” said he, “I has an antipathy to red-headed niggers, and they kaint nobody get me to shoot craps wid ’em. Dat’s one of my ennyosinkrujities,” he continued, impressively. “You oughter seen dat dog Blitz last night. Er-haw-haw ! He jes nachully chawed dat rat up.”