FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3525, 4 October 1921, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

Upton: "Wo were told that after the war we should have an enduring- peace." Lupton: "Well, it has endured a lot, don’t you think?” Myrtle: "It’s not done nowadays. ’ June: "What’s that?” Myrtle: “Why, ‘cutting down’ the elder sioter’s skirts to &t the younger.” Peggy: “Why don’t you and your muxmnie go to the church that me and my niummie go to?” Violet: “ ’Cause we belong to a different abomination.” may be a commercial possibility within the very near future.” Praps to rut "1 wonder if the exchanges will then tell us that the air is busy.” Cleric (very stouti : “What is your name, my child?” Child: “M-Mary, sir.” Cleric: That's very interesting. I, too, have a little Mary.” Child: "That you 'ave —and no error.” —A man who enjoyed Greek plays asked a friend what he thought of "Iphigenia in Tauris.” “I don’t know,” was the reply. "I've never had it. Gastritis is the worst that ever happened to me.” “Help ! Help ! We’re drowning !” Young Man (looking at the two girls in the water): "All right! I’ll save you both, but promise me first that I shan’t have to marry one of you afterwards." Vyonne: "This book says tj.lt men grow bahi bcause of the intense activity of their brains. What rot !" Bert: "Not at all I suppose women have no beards because of the intense activity of their china?” Caddie (watching unsuccessful golfer miss her third swing): "Wouldn't cost her no more if she played with new-laid eggs.” Motorist: "I tan across a friend of yours last week." Friend: "Hurt him mucl^T” —“Young man,” said the young woman’s father, "you have boasted several times that you possess an honoured name.'' "Fes, sir,” replied the suitor haughtily. "Well, may I inquire what bank it will be honoured at and for how much?” “What does your father do?” asked the clergyman. "Please, sir, he doesn’t, live with us; mamma supports me.” “Well, then, how does your mother earn her living?” "She gets paid for staying away from papa," answered the child, artlessly. Chemist’s Assistant: "Good gracious! I have kept that woman waiting for half an hour. 1 forgot all about her prescription.” Chemist; “You will have to charge her a good price in order lo make her think you had a lot of trouble in mixing it up.” Georgette - “Still angry with your husband?’ Andrey: “Yes. Georgette: “But why make such a terrible row over such a small matter?” Audrey: “Well, after the quarrel started I thought I might as well get a silk dress out of it as a box of chocolates.” Shell: "What did the bride’s father do for the happy couple?” Bell : “He bought their railway tickets.” Shell: “Ah!" Bell: "But. the happy pair didn’t discover until after they got away in the train that their tickets were singles, and not returns.” Goode: "Your little party last night was splendid." Kiche: ‘Thank you! I don’t mind telling you, as an old acquaintance, that it cost me in the neighbourhood of £2OO. and I didn’t enjoy myself half as much as I did the first time 1 ever spent a whole shilling on a girl.” A politician was once addressing a meeting. He said, in the course of his speech, that he would like to see Home Rule , not only for Ireland, but for Scotland and Wales. “And for Hell, too,” somebody interrupted. "Certainly,” said the speaker. “I like to hear a man stand up for his country.” —"Hullo, uncle,” exclaimed the nephew, as ho warmly grasped the old man’s hand. “Glad to see you looking so well. llow is my dear aunt, and all my charming little cousins ?” "Here, my boy,” interrupted the wise old gentleman, aa lie pulled out. his note-case, “how much do you want this time?” —“Pa, what’s an actor?” “An actor, my boy, :s a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatiical odds and ends, and exclaim: ‘What a lovely view there is from this window !’ ” Miss Jellus: "Your bedroom must be a very healthy place, dear.” Miss Prettyface: “What, makes you think so?” Miss Jellus: "Because I have noticed that when you are downstairs sometimes you are dreadfully pale, but if you go up into vour bedroom for a short time you come down with a beautiful colour." Mrs Morningsyde (showing the Embankment. to Mrs Struckoyle, of the States): “That monument? Oh, that’s Cleopatra's Needle! It came front Egypt, you know, and is literally covered with hieroglyphics.” Mrs Struckoyle: "Goodness gracious! And haven’t the sanitary authorities ever tried to exterminate them?” A man who had been spending a few weeks’ holiday at a seaside resort nnled for its golf links asked one of the caddies if he got much work in the winter. “Xo, sir, no,” replied the caddie. "There’s no caddying in the winter-time. Ye see, it’s this way If it’s neither frost nor sna’ it's rain: if it’s no' rain, it’s wind; and if it’s a fine day, it’s the Sabbath.” —An angler, thinking his Highland boatman was not treating him with the respect due to his station, said: "Look here, my good man, you don't seem to grasp who I ant. Do vou know that my family lias Keen entitled to bear arms for (he last three hundred years?” “That’s nothing!” was the reply. "Mv ancestors have been entitled to bare legs for I'he last three thousand years!” A little girl who did not like going to bed in the dark was fold by her mother that the angels were watching over her. The next, night she went to lied without a word, but after site had been in bed a few minutes she came t Q the fop of f'he fltairs find Shouted, ‘Mother!” “Yes. dear.” "Are tho angels watching over me?” "Yes. of course, they are.” '‘Well, T can’t see ’em, but 1 can feel ’em biting me.” A carpenter wa* called as a witness at a trial for assault, and counsel asked bim what distance he was from the parties when he saw the prisoner strike the prosecutor. “.Just four feet five inches and A-haJf.” he retorted, promptly. "Fray lei! me,” said the counsel, "how is it possible you can be so very exact as to the distance?” "Why. to tell you the truth,” replied Ihe man, “I thought perhaps somo fool might ask me, so I measured it..”