FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3524, 27 September 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Hilda: “Aren’t you afraid of going out of your uept.h? May : ".No. Ail the men here think that I’m an heiress.” Phyllis wait crying bitterly one day, when her baby brother also started to cry. Upon hearing him she called out: "Keep quiet! I want to cry!” Hughes: “Nine out of every ten women in the world have a mission ” Vinson: “And even the tenth would probably marry if she was asked.” Phyllis: “Winnie is sorry now that she took Hugh’s ring to the jeweller’s to be valued.” May: "Why?” “The jeweller kept it. lie said that Hugh hadn't been in to pay for it as he had promised.” Returning from the funeral, Widow Smith, in tears, to her sympathetic neighbour, Mrs Brown: “My pure, pore ole Bill, he were a very good ’usbin to me.” Mrs Brown: “Yes, I knows he was. He was quite a pre-war ’usbin!”

tation for wisdom?” said the large wife. “I am sure, Susan, it was not through anything he thought out for himself,” said the meek little husband. “You see, lie had a great many wives, and he must have listened very carefully to their advice.” Sammy couldn’t understand the theory of evolution, so he questioned his mother. “Mamma, am I descended from a monkey?” “I don’t know, my boy,” she replied. "I never knew any ot your father’s people.”

—He was to take her for a trip in his new yacht the next day, and she was questioning him about it. “How awfully nice of you to name the boat after rne !” she giggled. "What is she like?” “Well -or,” ■he answered, “she’s not much to look at, you know, but she’s eery fast.” A lawyer was asked by an acquaintance how it was that lawyers connived, t.o remain on such friendly terms with each other, although they were famed for their cutting remarks. The lawyer looked at him with a twinkle in his eye and remarked: “Yes, but they’re like scissors; they only cut what comes between them.” Minton: “Why is it that so many bachelors like children?” Hinton: “Because they don’t have to look after them.” Wife: “Oh, John, in this paper it says that a man who speaks ten languages lias just married a woman who speaks seven.” Husband: “I’m betting on the woman!” .Jimmy: "I’d like to be a doctor when I grow up.” Tommy: “What for?” Jimmy: “So’s when fellows’ mothers brought ’em to me I could say keep ’em home from school a week or two.” • —Teacher: “Tell me five of the most important races of mankind.” Small Boy: “The hundred yards, the two hundred, the quarter, the mile, and the hurdles.” Peters: "I see a man was excused from a jury because he frankly said he hadn’t sense enough to serve.” Walters: “Ilia frankness was, perhaps, commendable, but I’ll bet both sides were sorry to lose him.” Mumpy: “That luminous paint is a splendid invention.” Singleton : “What do you use it for?” Mumpy: “We paint the baby’s face so that we can give him a drink in the night without lighting the gas.” A visitor entered a restaurant in St. Albans and the following conversation took place:—Visitor: "What can I have for dinner, waiter?” Waiter: “Anything you like, sir. ’ Visitor: "What are vou celebrated for here?” Waiter: “Well, sir, there’s the Cathedral.” —At a dog show a lady was negotiating the purchase of a pup, bred from prize parents. “The parents of this dog,” said the owner proudly, “wore never beaten, ma’am.” “Dear me,” exclaimed the lady, “what dogs they must have been ; I’ll take the pup.” Doris {aged seven, just going to her music lesson): “Mummy, they only play harps in Heaven, don’t' they?” Mother: “Yes, clearie, only harps.” Doris: "Then what’s the use of my learning to pl.iv the piano?” The rich man was taking a stroll one morning round his stables. He met a little boy, the son of his chauffeur. “And do vou know who I am, my little man?” he asked. “Oh, yes,” said the boy ; “aren’t vou the man who rides in father’s car?” Vicar: "You niusn’t neglect their education, Mrs Craddock. Why,' j had to pinch severely to send my boys to school.” Mrs Craddock: “Ah. sir, but Craddock is too feared o’ iho law to do anything like that!” A well-known actor was called upon, without any warning, to make an afterdinner speech. “Gentlemen,” said he. 1 feel like Daniel in the lions’ den.” The guests were all attention. “Now what did Daniel say when lie found himself in the den of lions? He just said: "Well, whoever s going to do the after-dinner speaking, it won’t be me.' ” A clergyman who was nailing up a refractory creeper observed a lad” watching him for a long time with obvious interest. "Well, my young friend.” he said smilinglv, “are you trying to get a hint or two on gardening?” “No.” said the youth. ‘"Are you surprised to see me working like this?” "No. I'm waiting t.o see what a parson says when he harmnets his thumb!” ■ —Teacher: "Ihomas, will you tell me what a conjunction is. and compose a sentence containing one?” Thomas (after ieflection) : “A conjunction is a word connecting anything, such as ‘The horse is hitched to the fence by his halter.’ ‘Halter’ is a conjunction, because it connects the horse and the fence.” a long grace before meals. On the first day the new lodger sat erect while the others bowed, their heads reverently. When, the following day, the young man failed to act as the others wore doing, the good lady of the house lost her temper. ‘ Atheism, I suppose?” she hissed, indignantly. ‘‘No,” responded the now lodger quietly. "Boil on the neck 1” Infant Prodigy : "Why, I can remember mv mother when T was six months old.” Interviewer: “I doubt it.. Even if you can remember seeing a woman when you were so young, you would not be able to know it was your mother.” "I knew which woman was my mother, because a mother is a person who knows what the baby is saying when the baby doesn’t know himsolf.” Jimmy (after discussion with his governess on the subject of the Last Judgment) : “Will everyone have to come out of their graves when the Last Trump sounds?” “Of Course, Jimmy.” “Shall you. Miss Brown?” “Most certainly T shall.” Jimmy (after (.loop reflection): “Well, I aha’n't.”