FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3511, 28 June 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

A kiss speaks all languages. A howling success —the first baby. Many a straight face hides a crooked mind. —-Life is full of uncertainties —even to those who expect the worst. Only .a clever person can be wicked and happy at the same time. A woman vsiii pardon cruelty and injustice, but never indifference. —No girl likes the. dark, unless there’s something in it besides solitude. Often conscience is given us as an excuse for not doing what we don’t want to do. A woman doesn't object to a man with a lot of go in him —provided she goes with him. Don’t despise the little things of life — even the microbe is sometimes a ladykiller. A pessimist would test with acid the lining m every cloud to see if it’s real silver. Marriage is a volume one reads and puts down, but love is a whole circulating library. ’-to believe that two could live as cheaply as one used to be optimism; now it’s insanity. “What is the best fire preventative?” asks a weekly journal. The answer is the present price ot coal. Dobson: “Why is' a hen like the British Empire?” Hobson: “Because her son never sets, of course.” Mrs Hogg: “What have you ever done to save others from suffering and misery?” Mr Hogg: "I married you, didn’t I?” Battling Ned, soil of the local undertaker.” Ned’s Opponent: “That’s enough—l’m off.” —Mr Parker: “Do you know what happens to little boys who smoke?” Little Boy: Yus! They gets worried by rude old men !” Dora’s Mother: "What makes you so positive that Sydney is falling in love with Doia?” Dora’s Sister: “He’s beginning to find fault with you and father.” _ —And what is an egg?” asked the missionary who was testing his hopeful pupil’s knowledge of English. "An egg,” replied the boy, "is a chicken not yet.” He: “I spent mv honeymoon here at this resort.” She: "That is the happiest time of one’s life, I suppose?” “Oil, yes! One is so ignorant of the future.” "Well, young man, so you wish to be my son-in-law?” "Not in the least —but marrying your daughter as I intend to do— I can’t see how it can be avoided.” Thomson: “Your wife is for ever sewing and lipping and tearing and trimming and putting flounces on things.” Tyril: “Yes; she even ruffles my temper.” Scottish Customer (to dentist): “Hoots, mon, five shillin’ for a wee bit tooth. No, no; the man over the road pulled oot two an’ broke me jaw for one and saxpence.” | —Elderly Aunt (to little boy, sliding down the banister) : “Here, Johnny! I wouldn't do that.” Johnny: “’Course you wouldn’t. How would it iook —an old lady like you?” j “What views of the hotel would you I advise me to have published?” asked the j proprietor. "Not mine,” murmured the 1 disgruntled guest. "My views wouldn’t be | fit for publication.” Clerk (at seaside hotel) : “Fifteen shil- | lings, sir, for room with bath.” Farmer i Hayseed: “But I don’t want no room with 1 a bath. I’m goiid to wash in the ocean every three or four days.” ! —Mrs Neighbour: “You used to delight so in doing your own marketing that I am surprised to find you ordering over the ’phone.” Mrs Wyse: "My dear. I couldn’t bear any longer to see how little I was getting for my money.” “Can anyone,” demanded the teacher, j "tell me the meaning of the letters I R.S.V.P. ?” There arose the daughter of wealthy parents whose receptions drew all j the local society. “Rush in. shake, and | vanish pleasantly,’’ she replied. “No, Bobby.” said his mother, “one i piece of cake is quite enough for you !” j "It's funny,” responded Bobby, with an | injured air. "You say you are anxious | that I should learn to eat properly, and ! vet von won’t give mo a chance to practise !” “What is a person called who steals?” asked a. teacher ; but there was no answer. Teacher: "Now. Herbert, suppose f were to put my hand in your pocket and take out a penny, what would von call me ” Herbert: “Please, sir. you would be a conjuror !” Little Phyllis Pavmore heard the remark that her grandfather was a tailor. "Arc you a tailor, grandad?” she asked. “Yes. my deal,’’ admitted the old man. “Then will you put a. tail on my rocking horse?” She led the way to the attic, where mice had robbed the steed of its rear appendage. The rector was paying an afternoon i call, and all went well until the five-year-j old daughter of his hostess arrived home j from school. “Well, v little girl,” said I the reverend gentleman, “and what is vottv ! name?” “I guess you ought to know,” replied flic modern child, “con side ring that you christened me.” -Bob. ail only son, had often expressed a desire for a brother, and latterly lie had been led to suppose that his wish was reasonable and might possibly be fulfilled. Tile other day a visitor calling at the home was met bv a righteously indignant Rob. “It’s route.” lie announced. “It’s a girl. Fancy all that trouble for nothing!” A coloured mail in Chattanooga. Tennessee. wrote this letter to a coloured mail in Macon, Georgia: “Dear Bam, — Is you dead or is you alive? If von is alive, send me that ten dollars you owes me.— George.” A week later George received this reply: “Dear George.—l is dead, and that ten dollars was used to help buy my coffin.— 8 am.” —ln a. rural district a Scottish minister was out. taking an evening walk, when be came upon one of his parishioners lying in a ditch. “Where have you been the nicht, Andrew?” “Weel, I dinna riehlly ken,” answered the prostrate sinner, “whether it was a. wadding or a funeral, but whatever it was, tt has been a most extraordinary success.” The man entered the cab, and instructed the driver to take him to bis residence near the cemetery. On dismounting lie gave the cabby Is 6d. his exact legal fare. The cabby looked at the coins, and said, pointing to the horse, “D’ye see that ’oss with the short tail?” “Yes.” said the man, rather puzzled; “what of it?” “Oh, nothing; only I ’opes as the next time you’re brought here it will bo by a. black ’oss with a long tail. Even’, sir.”