FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3510, 21 June 1921, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

rich relations. Very tew people can afford to marry sheir iirst love**. Always pay debts and compliments, and you will succeed. All s tair in love and war, except when tile other man wins. lhe man who docs what he pleases is seldom pleased with what he docs. Pearls are emblematic of tears. Perhaps that’s why women weep for them. A woman never dresses so carefully as wlien she goes to see tier best enemy. One woman equals a hundred men when it comes to getting her own back. truth ties at the nottorn oi a well. That is wliy so many people let well alone. What's in a name? Seven years, it you are not the person authorised to sign it. Butler: “Of course, 1 admit there are exceptions to all rules." ynrimp: “Not to my wife’s !’’ Blimp: “Beauty is only skin deep.’ Chump: •• Still, that isn’t the beauty about a sausage.” Mother: “Our little Mose cries from morrung to night I” Father: “ We’ll have to recti listen him Lachrymose!” The rejected: “Anyway, you’ll remember me as a trier. The rejector: “Ves, I’ll remember you as very trying. “Don’t you find writing a thankless’ job?” Author: “On the contrary every thing I write is returned to me with thanks!” Visitor: “Landlord, you told mo that the view here was unsurpassed. Landlord : “Weil, it was last week. Hut the girl hits gone home.” Examiner (in history) : “How many wives had Henry Will?’ Schoolboy: “Six.” "Enumerate them.” “One, two, three, four, five, six.” Parker: “Why do you advertise only for blondes?” Rarker: “I run a dairy.” “Well?” “Yellow hair in the butter is much less conspicuous.” Judge: “We are now going to read tile list of your former convictions.” Prisoner: “In that case, perhaps your worship will allow me to sit down.” Mistress: “Why is it, John, I find you sleeping every time 1 come home?” Maid: “Weil, ma’am, it’s this way; I don’t like to be a-doing nothing.” Row ton: ‘ ‘Are we likely to go Bolshevist.” Bowse: “I don’t think so. The amount oi soaji sold over the bargain counters to-day seems to signify that this country is against Bolshevism.” Mrs Keade: “Girls continue to decline proposals of marriage in the latest novels.” Mr Ditto: “Which shows that our writers of fiction still retain their mar velious powers of imagination.” Archie: “It’s wonderful old man, what love will enable a chap to see in a girl that he- never saw before.” Reggie: “No doubt; but it’s equally wonderful what it won’t let him see that he’ll see later on.’' Julia: “Oh, my tooth aches dreadfully; I don't see why we can’t be born without teeth.” Solomon: “I think, my dear, that if you will look up some authorities on that point you will find that most of us are I” —-Customer, lifting something out with his spoon: “What have you been putting in tnis chicken broth ” Waiter, closely inspecting it: “That seems to be a piece of chicken, sir. Accidents will happen now and again.” —-Mrs Tonkins: “Are you satisfied with your new cook?” Mrs Stevens: “I’m in doubt how to express myself. If I say l’h satisfied she’ll leave me, and if 1 admit that she is a treasure, the neighbours will steal her.” —-Friend: “Tell me your secret of success. How have you obtained so many patrons in such a short time?” Grocer: “I bought a parrot and trained it to cry out, ‘Oh, isn’t she lovely?’ every time a lady entered my shop.” Collector (exasperated): “I’ve been here a dozen times, sir, and I positively won’t call again!” Debtor (cheerfully) : i '’Oh, come now; Don’t be superstitious about making a thirteenth call. Nothing will happen, I promise you.” Mrs Brown —I’m tired out this morning. I was up half the night with the toothache. Mrs Jones (syinpathisingly)— That’s too had. I hope you have seen a dentist this morning. Mrs Brown —Oil ; it was my husband's tooth that ached. Nibbler: “Well, sir, I have found a real home. 1 am dwelling with a contented and happy couple. The husband weighs seventeen stone, and the wife weighs thirteen.” Bibbler: “Bv Jim! You are living on the fat of the land, aren’t you?” Proud mother: “Oh, George, little Harry is just beginning to talk. He’s learning to recite ‘Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?’” Proud papa: “Does he really say all that?” Proud mother: “Well, not quite all of it yet, but he’s got as far as ‘Baa, baa’ !” Marshall: “The boil on your bouse lias been out, of order for weeks. I should think yon would have it repaired.” Peter: “What’s the use? Nobody ever rings it these days. Our friends just sit out in their cars and honk their motor horns until we come to the door.” First actor: “Lend me five shillings, old top.” Second actor: “I would if I thought you would ever bo able to pay it back, but .” First actor: “Pay it back! Great Scott! In lhe play I’m booked for next, week I am left five thousand pounds in the iirst act.” Husband: “Here’s a, bill for a ball costume; what does it mean?” Wife: “All, you know that green dress I wore at the ball at. which 1 was introduced to you last year?’’ Husband: “S-o-h! And you mean to say that I am expected to pay for the trap in which f was caught?” Sandy: “One of the meanest men 1 ever knew was Ferguson. He smoked a cigar—if given to him—to iho last halfinch, chewed the stump, and used the ashes for snuff. T hen ho wasn’t satisfied, and gave up smoking.” “What for?” “Ho couldn't think of any way of using the smoke.” He wa,s of the hard-up-but-hopeful variety. Mis--, Jenks was certainly not yoitngj nor was -V> beautiful. But, she bad riches, and, as the poet might have remarked, “Sweet coin is more than ooroj nets, and simple quids than Norman | blood.” bo hi- proposed; but, alas! j “No, Mr Jones,” she remarked; “I shall I never love again. The only man 1 ever j loved was killed at the battle of— .” Jones reached for his hat, a dreadful smile upon his featun s. “Yes, I know,” he said, viih deadly calm. “Waterloo,