FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3475, 19 October 1920, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

True, it takes a smart man to speak in Beven languages, but it takes a smarter one to remain silent in one.

X.: "Last year Johnson was paying GHJKt to Miss Smart." Y.: "And this year he is paying her a separation allowance ! Lawyer: "What did you marry him for?" Client: "His money "What do you want a divorce for?" "I've got it! Brown: "Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?" Binns: "Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every turn. '

Little Gerald: "Father, what, do ye xoean. by circumstances over which we have, no control?" His parent: "Wives, my boy." Motorist (arrested for fast driving): "A fine morning, isn't it, your honour?" Magistrate: "It is. Ten shillings fine, to be exact."

Prunella: "When they came back from their honeymoon he had just thirty shillings in his pocket." Phyllis: "The stingy thing!" Proud Mother: "What do you think of little Arthur as a violinist?" Professor: "I like-the way ho puts his fiddle back into the case." Jimson: 'What was the result of your advertising that you'd lost your dog?" Timson: "Tramps have been infesting my pl&ce ever since." -*-"Talk is cheap," remarked the cynic. "The man who said that," replied the ratepayer, "never worked out the expenses of a peace conference." "But you admit that my voice is inspiring, dear?" "Of course, darling! I think if I were a man it would inspire me to murder someone !" • Bald-headed Guest: "Well, sonny, what Js ! it that amuses you?" Young Hopeful: "Nothing; only mother has put a brush and oomb :n your bedroom." Tom: "Does your wife wait for the least thing on your part to make trouble?" Henry: "Dear me. no; she's not so slow as that. She's a self-starter!" s Elsie (aged five): "I do hope some Dutchman will marry me when I grow up." Auat Mary: "Why, dear- " Elsie: "Because I want to be a duchess."

"They're comparatively rich, aren't they?" "Well, I wouldn't say 'comparatively,' but 'relatively.' They have a rich uncle, of whom they expect great things." . Harold had rescued the family cat from the well. Covered with green moss and water, he rushed to his mother with the declaration, "Ma, I got the cat out by the stem!" . Scandalising She: "Everybody knows about it. Some people take her part and some her husband's." Mere Man: "And a few eccentric individuals mind their own business."

—Mr Outertown: "Did you ask the new maid if she had any experience with children?" Mrs Outertown: "I didn't need to. I could tell by the way she glowered at them that she had." Louie: "Maud and Nora have not spoken to each other for months, but how they are inseparable again. They go everywhere together." Edie: "Yes; they decided to renew hostilities." Tattered Tim: "I've been trampin' four years, ma'am, an' it's all 'cause I heard the doctors recommended walkin' as the best exercise." Mrs Prim: "Well, the doctors are right. Walk along." Mrs Fig (with newspeper): "Do you know, Henry, that every time you draw your breath someone dies?" Mrs Fig: "Well, I'm sorry, but I can't help it. If I stop drawing my breath I'll die too." Mistress (to new servant): "Mary, why didn't you bring in the finger bowl? Didn't the lady you last worked for have them?" Servant: "No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came." .

Miss Smart: "I don't know what's the matter with that little man over there. He was so attentive a few moments ago, and now he won't even look at me!" Mrs Blank. "Perhaps he saw me come in. He's my husband.". iv—-Small Boy (politely): "Won't you take another piece of cake, Miss Jones?" Guest: "Yes, since you are so pressing, I will." Small Boy: "Now, mother, remember your promise that if-you had to cut the second cake I could have a piece." '—- "But," said, the fortune-teller to an Irish client who was much impressed by her powers, "why are you so anxious to know where you will die?" "Faith," was the reply, "if ye could only tell me that. I'd niver go near the place at all." "You remember you sold me a horse last week?" said the cabman, angrily, to the horse-dealer. "Yes. What about him?" "He fell dead yesterday." "Well, I never!" said the dealer. "I told you he had some funny ways, but I never knew him to do that before."

thiß election," said the campaign worker. "I've heard tell he's on the fence." "He wuz thar," replied the "neighbour; "but one o' the canderdates let fall a dollar on the off side o' the fence, and Bill got dizzy an' fell over."

—Curate: "I'm sorry to hear that you were intoxicated again last night, Giles, and so soon after loininsj our Prohibition League." Giles: "Well, parson, it weren't exactly my fault; ye see, a fool bet me ten bottles of ale that I wouldn't keep sober a week—and I won!" "Here you are, Dolly, run and buy something," said Augustus, slipping a coin into the hand of his fiancee's sister, hoping thus to be able to squeeze in a few moments' bliss with his lady-love. "Do you know what you've given ?" asked the amazed infant. "Yes, dear. That's a penny," returned the suitor. "Well, perhaps you'll bo good enough to tell me if there are shorn left where anything is sold at a penny?" queried the child scornfully. Two youths were sncnding a holiday at the seaside. "I say," said one, "how do you teach a girl to swim?" "That's easy," was his friend's reply. 'You take her gently down to the water; then you put your arm around her waist, and whisper, 'Darlin', don't be frightened.'" "Come off your perch," said the other, sorrowfully, "she's only my sister I" "Oh, your sister! If that's the case, just push her in."

Some visitors who were being _ shown over a pauper lunatic asylum inquired of their guide what method was employed to discover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave. "Well," replied he, "it's this way. Wo have a big trefajgh of water, and we terns »n the tap. "VPh it running, and 'eta to bail out the water with pails until they've emptied the trough." "How does that prove it?" asked one of the visitors. "Well," said the guide, *them as ain't idiots turns off the tap."