FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3444, 16 March 1920, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

Women think that /ools are pleasant company—while the latter's money lasts. Revue "Star": "Cissy Barton says her new funny song is a scream." Her Rival: "It is, the way she sings it." Rich Bride: "I think you married me for money." Sad Bridegroom: "Well, dear, I believe I earned it, don't you?" Bess: "And when we are married we will live near mother so she can slip over?" Bill: "Yes, we'll live near the edge of a cliff." Lecturer: "Is there anything now that isn't clear to anyone?" Student: "Yes. I don't see how they discovered the names of the stars." ' ■ —Mabel: "Edith J 9 one of those girls whose interest in a man is governed by his wealth." Jack: "I see; the greater the principal, the greater the interest." "Did you tell her that smoking isn't allowed?" "Yes." "Did you point out the notice?" "Yes." "Well, what did she do?" "Lit her cigarette with it." Kind Gent.: "And how long has yoiir husband been out of work, my poor lady " My Poor Lady: "Well, I ain't quite sure whether we was married in 'BO or '81." —Prunella: "Does Albert, love you for your money?" Priscilla: "No, he doesn't know that I have any, so ft can't be that." Prunella: "But what else could it be?" —X: "Some women have a hard time of it." Y: "How's that?" X: "If a thing is expensive they feel they can't afford it, and if it isn't expensive they don't want it." "We should sympathise with a man when he is unfortunate," observed the wise man. "Not when he is a widower who marries again," commented his foolish friend. "What are you doing?" asked the convict of the reporter, who was writing an account of the prison building. "I'm taking notes." "Humph! That's what brought me here." Mrs Gabbe: "I could have married four Of the wealthiest men in town." Her Husbahd: "Why didn't you? The whole four might have been able to pay your dress bills." Arthur (bitterly) : "I suppose you consider it a triumph to make a fool of me?" Joan (sweetly): "Oh, no I A triumph means accomplishing something that was very difficult." # "What! Five guineas a week for this little room—and with such dirty paper,., too?" ''l-can have a new paper put over' it." "Heaven, forbid —the room is small enough as it is!" Dauber: "I got more than I expected for my last picture." Friend: "Why, I thought your landlord agreed to take it in lieu of next month's ient." Dauber: "Yes, but he raised my rent." "Now, look here; if you go on making eyes at the new parlourmaid it'll be you that-clears out. Can't afford to lose a servant'nowadays." "Well, dad, I thought it might induce her to stop!" Phyllis: "I couldn't decide among my suitors,' so sent them all to get father's consent." Iris: "Well?" Phyllis: "Now I'm worse off than ever. He gave his consent to every one of them." Alice: "I thought you had got rather tired of dancing." Dora ~"I had. But I've, been reading what the clergy have been saying about it, and I had no idea how delightfully wicked it is." —."D'id you ask the new maid why she left-her last place?" asked Mr Torkhis, "No," replied his young wife. "I didn't get a chance She kept me too busy trying to explain why our last maid didn't stay." —-Old Lady (to costermonger who is illtieating his horse): "Haven't you got a ha'p'orth of mercy, my man?" Costermongei: "No! Not to-day, ma'am. Only kippers, threepence a pair. Gee up, you brute!" Mrs Brown: "Mrs Jones has one very bad habit." Mr''Brown: "What is it, dear?" Mrs Brown: "She turns round and looks back every time we meet in the street." Mr Brown: "How do. you know she does?" ..... M rs ; Brown: "I had to get rid of that new maid of mine." Mrs Green: '*What was the matter?" "She had worked, so long in an ammunition factory that every time she heard a whistle blow she wanted to stop work.'' .'"'. ;'_;' —."Mind that step," said the young policeman to the very old offender as' he. reached the police station entrance with/his charge. "Garn," growled the hardened. old gaol-bird. "I knew 'that there step afore you were born." < i\r "M. : "You see that fine house? A' man built that with the money he saved on cigarettes." N: "He must have been a terrific smoker before he broke himself of the habit." M.: "He didn't stop. He's a cigarette manufacturer." "Yes, sir." said the trust magnate proudly, "I am the architect of my own fortune." "Well.". rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors around when you were constructing, it." •'■'..- ■',: .. A schoolmaster had been presented with a magnifiesnt gold watch and chain, which he was never tired of fondling—so much so that the class could not help noticing his habit. "Now, Jones," he said" one day, "let me hear you srell 'metal.' " "Yes,, sir," said Jones. " M-e-t-t-1-e." "Quite right, my boy," remarked the' imster, placing his hand on his chain. "That's one sort, but this is the kind I meant." "B-r-a-s-s," replied Jones, without a smile. —lt was the week before little Willie's birthday, and .he was on his knees at his bedside petitioning Providence for. . presents in a very loud voice. "Please Lend me," he - shouted, "a bicycle, tool chest, a " "What are you -praying so loud for?" his younger brother interrupted. "God ain't deaf." "I know He ain't," said little Willie, winking towards the next room, "but grandma is." And he continued, louder than before: "a scooter, a drum, a talkin' machine, and a pony. Amen." Tom: "Halloa, John, you look downhearted. What's the matter?" John: "I don't know. I can't get a girl to speak to me at all. When I see you with yours, I feel jealous. You might tell me how I might fall in with one?" Tom: "Yes, # old man, it's easy. Go out on a dark night, and the first bit o' skirt you come across, 'click' with it." "Righto! I'll remember." Next day the two friends met again. "Halloa, John, who gave you that black eye?" "Oh, I followed your instructione last night and 'clicked' with a Gordon Highlander!"