FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3443, 9 March 1920, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

She: "How dared you tell my father that you have a prospect of £IOOO a year?" He: '"Well, I have, if I marry you, haven't I?"

-—"I was surprised to hear you were kissing my girl in the dark the other night!" "No more surprised than I was when I saw her in daylight!" Husband (angrily): "What! Eight guineas for a hat!" Wife (soothingly): "Well, dear, just think what I saved you on your income tax!"

—■ Higgs: "Why do you allow your daughter to bang the piano so hard?" Higgs: "I'm hoping she'll either sprain her wrist or bust the instrument."

—-Artist: "Am I quite safe in this field with your bull?" Farmer: "Yes, I should think yer would be now, mister—it's over a month since he killed the last hartist!" Golfer: "The day I get round these links in less than a hundred I'll give you "a'sovereign." Caddie (cuttingly): "Thank ye sir! • It'll come in handy in me old age " Dora: "I often wonder how many men will bo unhappy when I marry." Percy: "Don't bo absurd. You know quite well that you can. only marry one man at a time."

Employee: "I'm afraid, sir, under the present high prices I shall be unable to live on ,my salary, and " Employer : '.'Well, what of it? I'm conducting a' business, not a life-saving- association." I need a new dress. All I have- are out of style." "Everything's frightfully expensive, my dear. Better go in for literature for a bit, and pretend to be superior to the fashions." "What is worse," demanded the pretty girl disgustedly, "than a man who will make love to you, in spite of all you can do?" It seemed to demand a reply, so the other pretty girl said: "One who won't!" Romantic Girl (in steamboat): "Oh, captain, there's a bottle! Perhaps there's something in it!" Captain: "Don't think so, miss. Nobody's throwin' 'em away with anything left in 'em nowadays/' Ethel: 'Why do you walk round by Jack's office everv day?" Ada: "I jilted him last week." ""What of that?" "And now I'm told he. says he's trying to forget me.''

Demobbed Soldier (relating experiences at the front) : "Why, bless yer, I've seen the sky so thick with them flying machines that oven the poor little sparrows 'ave had toNpome down and walk!"

Temperance Orator: "When the rich man was in hell fire, what did he ask for ? Did he ask for whisky ? No! He asked for water. What does that show?" Old Toper: "It shows where the teetotallers go !" Post Office Clerk: "We can't pay you the five pounds on this money-order until you are identified." -Man: "That's rough! There's only cne man in the town who can identify me, and I owe him four pounds." —Mr Spink.s: "Halloa!. Haven't seen you for ages. If you're motoring down my -way you might drop in." Mr Binks: "I've given up the oar. I travel in an aeroplane now." Mr Spinks: "Oh, well, then, you might drop out." Mrs Pecker: "To think * that I once considered you a hero! Bah" Henry (her husband): 'I suppose the thought struck you on the evening I performed the deathdefying and foolhardy .feat of proposing marriage to you!" Hampton: "What did you do last night?" Wickham: "Oh, I read for a couple of hours." Hampton: "I thought you were going to the kinema." Wickham: "I did go. And 90 per cent, of the films consisted of sub-titles."

The Man: "I say, Mabel! What do you mean by keeping me waiting at • the corner half an hour and looking like a silly fool?" The Maid (swcetlv): "I know I kept you waiting, Wilfred dear, but really, you know, you did the rest yourself!" Two men wore wandering through a country churchyard examining the quaint tombstones. "Look here," said one, "here's a queer one: 'Sacred to Thomas Sitter, a Lawyer, and an Honest Man.' " "What did they want to put all three in one grave for?" asked his companion. "Ye;3," said the prospective buyer, "I always judge, a motor car by its engine." "But don't you nay any attention to' its finish " asked the. seller, who had been extolling the upholstering and trimmings. "Never!- My motor cars always have the eame. finish—a brick wall or a ditch." This particular story is about a small boy whoso parents had very distinct ideas on the subject of discipline. The walls of the sitting room were lined with tracts. and the cane was always kept behind "Love One Another." One black day, when everything went wrong, the little boy was whipped eighftimes. After tho eighth Caning, ho said, between his sobs: '♦D-d-don'fc you think it's t-iime to take the e-o-oane from behind .'L-love One Another,' and n-nut it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?"