FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3442, 2 March 1920, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Willie: "Say. pa, what is meant by 'courting danger'?'" Pa: '"Why—er—any kind oi courting, my son." Minister: ""'Why do you call your dog 'Camera'?" Neighbour:- "Because he tries to snap everyone he meets."

Wilson; ''Why do you roll your cigarettes?" Melson: "Well, old chappie, I must take some exercise, you know!'' M.: "Why do you suppose Jones has such a vacant expression ':" Morrison: "Well, he thinks ol iumselt a good deal." Agitated Daughter (on the links): "Oh, mother, whatever, shall we do? Father's in that bunker, and here comes the parson and his wife."

"I know that lady in the corner of tha bus. I'll introduce you." "JNae so fast." "Why?" "Wait, mon, till she pays her fare."

Don't start thinking that a girl is good-natured just because she smiles ajl the time. Perhaps someone lias told her she has dimples. —Ho (ardently): "I would give the whole world for you!" She: "Is that all? Why, you offered that before the war raised prices." Papa: "'Yes, my son, if you want to learn anything well you must begin at the bottom." L;ttlo Bobby: "How about swimming, pa "

Shop Assistant: "This is the most correct writing-paper for polite correspondence." Customer: "But I wish to write to my husband." '■ Visitor: Well, Dolly, how do you like my new Ijat?" Dolly: "Oh, I quite like it. Mother says it's a perfect fright, but it doesn't frighten me.", Roderick: "I've often gone on the stage without a bite to eat." Antony: "And come ofF again with enough vegetables to last a month."

—"I hear that you said I was the biggest fool in town." "No, sir, I did not. i do not consider you capable of taking first rank in anything." •—Teacher: "What does the reign of King Charles I teach us?" Tommy: " Please, sir, not to lose our heads in moments of excitement."

She (just kissed by him): "How dare you I Father said he would kill the ftrst man who kissed me!" He: "How interesting I And did he do it?" Doris: "She believes every word' he tells her." Lilian: "How long" have they been married?' Doris: "They're not married. They're going to be." The Bore: "You know I had a rotten headache before I met you to-night; but I've quite lost it now." Fair One: "Oh, it's not lost—l've got it!" Hobson: "I understand your daughter is taking great pains with her singing?" The Poor Father: "Taking is not the word; giving is more like it." and I killed, one, how many would be left?" inquired' the teacher. "One," answered a bright little girl, "the dead one." always tries to get' her beauty sleep." Dolly: "Weil, all I can say is she must suffer frightfully from insomnia." "Tommy," said the-teacher, "can you tell me the meaning of 'repentant' ?" "Yes, ma'am," answered Tommy. "It's how a fellow feels when he gets caught." First Lady: Yes, my husband goes out each evening for a little constitutional. Does yours?" Second Ditto: "No, he always keeps a drop of it in the house." —Mr Gosh: "Doift you think my daughter has a heavenly voice?" Mr Knox: "Well—er—now that you speak of it, there is something unearthly about it!" "What is the meaning- of false doctrine, Willie?" asked the Sunday school teacher. 'lt's when the doctor gives the wrong stuff to a sick man," replied Willie. Ethel: "I find the professor's statistics stupid." Maude: "I don't. He told me there were 400,000,000,000 people in the world, and that I was the prettiest girl of the lot."

Traveller: "How's your train, service here?" . Small Town Native: "Wal, they advertise one train a day, but you and me know how them advertisements exaggerate !" v Mummy : "Oh, you cruel boy ! You're making your brother cry." Algernon: "No, mummy, I'm not. I'm only sharing my cod-liver oil with him —wot you said was so nice."

Customer: "Have you got a pricelist?" Tradesman: "Not a recent one, madam, but I can give you an old one, and all you have to do is to multiply everything by two." "Now, children, what did Man descend from?" asked the teacher. "Monkeys," replied the bright boy. . "And what did monkeys descend from " "Trees, madam," he replied quickly. "Why did you name your boy Herbert Fitzroy James?" "Because I wanted him to be a fighter. I figure that in our neighbourhood a boy named Herbert Fitzroy James has got to fight."' Tom: "What did the old man say when you told him you wanted to marry his daughter?' Bob: "Asked if I could support him in the same style his daughter had accustomed him to!"

The man who had put up at the cheap hotel tossed restlessly on the hard bed. "Humph!" he soliloquised. "I've often heard of bed rock, but I didn't know they made mattresses out of it."

They had just become engaged. "I shall love," .she cooed, "to share all your griefs and troubles." "But, darling," he purred, "I have none." "No," she agreed; ''but I mean when we are married."

Young Democrat: "Say, dad, what keeps us from, falling off the earth when we are upside down'/" "Why, the_ law of gravity, of course." "But how did folks stay oil before that law was passed?" Misy Passey (still twenty-four): "I think the best years of one's life are eighteen to twenty-six." Miss Youilg: "How nice for you to have been able to live the best years of your life over again!" Dibbs: "Do you believe that there is really something which can invariably tell when a man is lying?" Higgs: "I know it." Dibbs: "Ah! Perhaps you have seen one of the instruments." Higga: "Seen pne? I married one!" Young Wife (in the country): "This is a nice place you've brought me to! We've been hero for four months, and I haven't seen a new face!" Hubby: "No new face! Why, my dear, we've changed our maid eight times!" "How do you distinguish between popular and classical musio?" asked the very young man. "Oh, that's easy," answered the dispenser of home-grown philosophy. "It's popular if I enjoy it, and it is classic if I don't."