FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3419, 26 September 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Waiter: "Er haven't you forgotten something, sir?" Dmcr: " iies; wmit u decent meal tastes like." Archie: "'1 can marry any woman I please." Clarice Marte: "Then, I conclude, you haven't pleased any yet.'' She: "i tlunk it is so silly to throw kisses. Don't you " Ho: "Ratncr. i peeler to deliver the goods." —He (boasting): "I put all my brains into that last poem of mine." She (scathing): "Four-liner, wasn't it'/"' Oswald: 'iMy love lor you is like the deep blue sea " Clarissa: "And I take it with cho corresponding amount of salt. Heck: "Yes, L have met .with your wife—in fact, I know her before you married her." Peck: "Ah, that's where you had the advantage of me—l didn't!" —" Do I understand, my man," said the 'magistrate at one point, -that the defendant hurled invectives at rou*" # "No, sir. To tell the truth, it was only bricks. ' Mabel: "They say people with opposite " characteristics mafco tne Happiest marriages." George: "Yes; that's wiry Im looki;°, for a girl with money." --"Why do you alwavs carry your umbrella':" "asked the bore. "Because,' moaned his victim, "my umbrella can't walk." , ~ - —Mrs Jones: "They say the new maid of Mrs Diggs is a good., p.ain cook. Mrs Brown: " i don't know afcoufc her cookery, but she's plain enough." He- "Well, it takes two to make a qtirrrol, so I'll shut up." She: "That's just like a contemptible maul loull sit there and think natty things!" Percy: " When you proposed to her, I sun pose'she sad 'This is so sudden';" Arthur: "No, she was honest and said, • lliis suspense has been terrible.' " --"What could be more sad than a man without a country?" asked the patriotic speaker feelingly. "A country without a man," responded a woman in the audience. "Does your wife drive a car?" "Not exactly," renlied Mi* Petroll. "She doesn't do the actual work, but when she's in the car she decides wh.ch way it is going .every time." , ~ , Smail Boy: "Mother, wont you buy me a watch?" Mother: " What do yea want a watch for?" Small Boy: "I want to swap :t with Jimmie Jones for one of his pups." , , economise?" "Yes," replied Mrs Flimgilt, " but I'm not lotting him bother me. He's one of those people who insiston taking up every fad that comes along.' Charles (after the proposal): "Have you ever loved before?" Clarice: "No, Charles.- \ I have often admired men for their strength, courage, beauty, intelligence, or something liko that, you know; but with you, Charles, it is love—nothing else !" Little Jeanie went with her mother to a bootshon to be iitted. The assistant put one shoe on and asked" her to walk round and sec how it felt. She. did so, then said: "It feels all wight. I'll take two of them, please." Grace: "I'm worried." Famela: "Why'" Grace: "I wrote to Jack in my last letter to forget that I had told him I didn't mean to reconsider my decision not to change my mind, and he seems to have misunderstood me." —An Englishman once complimented a Scot by saying, "Scotland is a great country." The Scotsman's rcp.y was: "Mon, it's the greatest country in the world—for keeping the Sabbath—and anything else we can lay our hands on! ' Experienced Physician: "If you wrote this prescription, you had better give up medicine and go into some other business. Dr Squiler (just got his L.R.C.P.): Why what's wrong with it?" Experienced Physician: "What's wrong! Why, tne thing is positively legible!" A grammar school teacher having asked for a short essay employing certain words oudin"- with "tiou," a pup'.l handed in this astonishing production: " Father s hair is a recollection, mother's is an acquisition, sister's is an aggregation, brother's is a conflagration, and baby's is a mere premonition." , A certain Irish railway company has a regular printed form on which to report any mishans which occur to animals on its lines. Recently a strav cow that had wandered on to the line was accidentally killed, - and Tim O'Toole, who had lately been promoted to bo traffic injector, was asked to send in a report. In answer to the question, " Disposition of carcase," he wrote, " Kind and gentle." Mrs Snanny (looking up from paper): "Isn't this strange? A man after shellshock was absolutely unable to remember his wife, and didn't believe she was tho woman he had married." Mr Snappy: " Well, I don't know about it being so strange after all. It's pretty hard work sometimes for ar.y man to realise that his > wifa is the same woman he went crazy over in the days of his youth." _ A negro soldier was clad in white pyjamas one night when the camp was surprised by German bombers. Everyone headed for his own dugout, and Sam had some distance to travel. "What did you do?" he was asked the next morning. " Easy," he replied. "Do good Bawd has gimme do bes' in do world. I dropped deni pajamies right whar I stood an' made de res o' de trip in my birfday clo'es."