FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3383, 15 January 1919, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

—lf trouble breaks down a woman's face she can always make it up again. She: " 1 understand ne writes light fiction." He: "Yes; all about summer clothes." Wife: "You know, Henry, I speak as I think." Husband: '" ¥es, my love; only oftencr." '• The Lord knows how Binks made his money!" ".No wonder Binks always looks worried." Mary: "la he very spoony? Ann: •'Dear me, he's as spoony as an eighteeneoarse dinner." 'Did they give the bride a shower? •'Well, all her friends threw cold water on the bridegroom." —''How old is Madge?" "Old enough to make a goose of herself when she tries to play the chicken." —"Are electric wires made of well-tem-pered metal?" ." Hardly j since- it is so dangerous to cross them." Mrs Grimm: "And so you are going to be my son-in-law?" He: "By dove! I hadn't thought of that!" Gertie: ••Fancy, dear, we've been engaged just a week to-day." Bertie: "What a memory you've got, darling." —"I am unworthy of you," he murmured. "Stick to that idea," said the girl, " and we'll get along fine." Grocer: "Did that watermelon I sold you do your whole family?" Customer: "Very nearly. The doctor is calling yet." —Hostess: "Mr Joplin is going to sing a comic song." Guest: "I knew something awful wouhi happen; I upset the salt at the dinner-table I' . About the only way a henpecked husband can say the last word is to listen until his wife has finished, then say "All right." Mrs Youngbride: "Did your former mistress assist you with the cooking?' Bridget: "Yes, mum; by leaping out of the kitchen " Millie: "Poor Mr Jones was unable to meet his creditors, I hear." "Oh, no; that's quite wrong! His difficulty was to dodge 'em." First Typist: " The boss offered Pearl his heart and hand." Second Typist: "Poor girl! And she's been working so hard for a promotion." John: "Do you think your father would object to my marrying you?" Jane: "I couldn't say, Johnny. If he's anything like me he would." Wife (excitedly): "If you keep on like this I shall certainly lose-fny temper. Husband (serenely): "No danger, my dear. A thing of that sizo is not easily lost." —•June: "Then you think he hasn't the nerve to propose?" Jane: "Yes; asking pa's income and ma's disposition and my age seems as far as he dares to go." The Major: "What a splendid colour your- cheeks are 1 Did you get it from playing tennis?" The Widow's Mite: "No, Major, from mamma's dressin' table." JTrifcnd: "Won't this ten o'clock closing hour hurt your show?" Actor: "Not a bit. Most everybody leaves at the end of the first act anyway." —;" Who can tell me the meaning of leisure?'"asked the teacher. "Please, miss, It's a place where married people repent," replied the youthful novel-reader. Mrs Jcjies while dressing, "the second act takes place two years after Act I." "We may bo in time for that," commented Mr Jones.

—A lucky man,.. on being asked how it felt to be engaged to a great heiress, replied: "Fine! Every time I kiss her I feel as if I were clipping a coupon off a Government bond." "Oh, dear friends," said the minister solemnly, "it is deeds, not words, that count most." "Oh, I don't know that," replied the cynical listener. " Did you ever send a cablegram?" [Little Boy: "Isn't fathers queer? Auntie: "In what way?" Little Boy: " When a boy does anything for his. father he doesn't get anything, but if another man's boy does it he gets a penny." —'"lf you notice," said Finnick, "the poets invariably say ' she' when referring to the earth. Why should the. earth be considered feminine?" "Why not? "Nobody knows iust how old the earth is!" Music leaoher: "Your daughter is improving, but when she gets to the scales I have to watch her pretty closely." Mother: "That's just like her father. He made his money in the grocery business." Piper' Mao: "The verra best music I ever heard whateffer was doon at Jamie Maclauchlan's. There was fifteen o' us pipers in the wee back parlour, all playing different chunes. I thocht I was floatin' aboot in heaven I" Last time I saw him he was in doubt whether to enter *he Church or to be a lawyer. I wonder what decided him?" Jinks: "He probably recalled the saying tLos i* is easier to preach than to practise.'' —'" Thero goes Professor Diggs. He's a very learned man." "Ho looks the part." "Yes, I dare say the professor could find his way around in ancient Babylon, if the city still existed, more easily then he can here in this town, where he has lived for thirty or forty years." a woman of fifty-six at a tea last week." "And I am twenty-six," said a woman of forty five. Then, turning to a girl of seventeen. who stood near by, she asked: "How old are you, Ethel?" "Oh," replied Ethel, "according to present reckoning, I'm not born yet!"A particularly dapper but very small officer was walking down a street one day between two fashionably-attired ladies, and happened to pass by two street arabs, who looked at them with a broad grin, and. much to the discomfort of the officer, one of them said: ' 'Ain't much 'am in that sandwich, is there. Bill?" A Scotsman bored his English friends by boasting about what a fine country Scotland was. "Why did you leave Scotland," a Londoner asked, " since you like the country so much?" The Scotsman chuckled. "It was like this," he said. "In Scotland everybody was as clever as myself, and I could, make no progress; but hero"—and he chuckled again—"hero I'm jjettin' along vera weel!"